There's One Question That's Impossible To Ask Yourself — What To Ask Instead
Most of us deceive ourselves on a regular basis and have no idea we're doing it.
instaphotos via Canva Humans are masters of self-deception. We fool ourselves into believing things that are false and we refuse to believe things that are true. In fact, we lie to ourselves about just about everything — from why we like wearing designer clothing instead of non-name brand fashion to how our childhood influenced our choice of romantic partners.
And most of the time, we are completely unaware of the rampant lying going on in our own minds.
The Dilemma of Self-Deception
Given the unconscious nature of self-deception, becoming honest presents us with a serious dilemma: How do we know when we are lying to ourselves?
As articulated in a question recently posed to Dr. Neel Burton in his blog — "Can You Tell When You're Fooling Yourself?" — many people are left wondering how to detect self-deception.
Am I lying to myself?
Clearly, you can’t directly ask yourself whether you are lying, because that would require you to tell the truth! So how do you know when you are deceiving yourself?
In addition to the many questions posed by Dr. Burton to help you on your journey towards self-honesty, what follows are some specific suggestions taken from my book, "Lies We Tell Ourselves: The Psychology of Self-Deception."
These tips use self-deception in the context of romantic relationships as an example because it is rampant and has profoundly destructive consequences.
How To Detect Your Own Self-Deception
The most important way to determine whether you are lying or not is to observe yourself, without judgment or evaluation. Just notice and start asking questions that can reveal your internal motivations.
As you do this, focus on the three areas below, pause, and ask yourself the questions here instead.
1. Notice your emotions.
Generally, if we are emotionally reactive to something or someone, it is because we are being reminded of something painful, raw, or unresolved in our lives. In these areas, we are going to struggle to admit the truth.
For example, if you struggle with trust issues in your romantic relationships, you may feel anxious, angry, or scared when falling in love with a new mate. As this occurs, you may find yourself reactive to your mate in ways that are not actually warranted or based on who this person is.
In fact, your reaction is fundamentally based on who you are and unresolved issues from your past that you are bringing into your new relationship.
What to ask yourself when you have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone: What is this emotion? What is my emotion in reaction to? Is my emotion really related to the present situation, or is the present situation triggering something in me that is unresolved baggage from my past?
2. Notice your thoughts.
We all want to believe that our thoughts are accurate reflections of reality. In fact, most of us believe that we are right about everything; we think our thoughts are true. Unfortunately, our thoughts are often incredibly inaccurate, usually in characteristic ways.
Often, our inaccurate thinking reflects painful realities that we don't want to admit.
When entering into a new romantic relationship, for example, people often think things that are incredibly irrational. These thoughts can be very negative, such as “I am sure my new partner is cheating on me because my ex cheated” and “I am scared to fall in love because I am going to get hurt.” Or they can be overly positive, like “This is the most amazing person in the world.”
What to ask yourself when you notice your thinking is extreme or irrational: What words am I using to describe my partner? Are my thoughts accurate? Am I using my past to justify my current thinking? How are my thoughts biased?
3. Notice your behavior.
We desperately want our behavior to be separate from our identity. We don't want to believe that the way we act reflects who we are.
For example, you don't want to admit that you are jealous even though you check your partner's phone messages; you don't want to have intimacy issues even though you sabotage your relationships by breaking up with people when they get too close.
Yet the truth is that our behavior is a reflection of who we are in some way.
What to ask yourself when your behavior isn’t consistent with who you want to be or claim to be: Why am I acting this way? What is motivating my behavior? What do I not want to admit to myself about my behavior? Why?
Choosing Honesty
We cannot be honest with others until we first are honest with ourselves. When we deceive ourselves, we often burden and damage our romantic relationships. Being honest requires deliberate effort on a daily basis, as well as tolerating some painful realizations.
Yet by observing our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, we can learn about who we really are and give ourselves the opportunity to change.
Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor of psychiatry at the University of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV). She is also the author of Letting Go of Your Ex and Lies We Tell Ourselves.