People Who Don't Feel Like They Belong Anywhere Usually Have These 11 Admirable Qualities
Anyone who struggles with close friendships or finding community isn't inherently flawed. In fact, they're often quite the opposite.
VN_KK | Shutterstock Whether they find solace in their alone time or comfort in their inner monologue, it's a different discussion for people who struggle to connect with others and find belonging in communities. Largely, it's becoming a societal issue — the "epidemic of loneliness," like a JAMA Psychiatry journal study phrases it — as we shift away from a community-oriented culture and rely more consistently on isolating vices, habits, and technology.
While our communities and interpersonal relationships might be struggling as a result of this societal issue of connection, people who don't feel like they belong anywhere usually have several admirable qualities that add value to their lives and support their well-being, even if they haven't found "their people" or community yet.
Here are the 11 admirable qualities people who don’t feel like they belong anywhere usually have
1. They're emotionally aware
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Anyone who is self-aware enough to acknowledge their inability to connect or find genuine community is generally emotionally intelligent in other areas of their lives as well. They can recognize the micro-expressions of distaste on other people's faces, pick up when someone's tone of voice subtly changes, or even recognize when they're the only person in a conversation not being actively acknowledged or engaged with.
It's the simple parts of communication, like a 2023 study from PLOS One suggests — feeling heard, making eye contact, or being acknowledged — that people who feel like they don't belong anywhere recognize, sometimes to a fault, because they've struggled to capture it in their relationships and interactions. However, while it might feel like a burden to be this interpersonally aware, it can also be helpful for bonding, giving people the opportunity to redirect conversations or address misunderstandings in the present moment.
2. They're independent
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While hyper-independence is oftentimes a consequence of unmet childhood needs and unresolved trauma, like the Newport Institute suggests, independence on its own doesn't always have to have a negative connotation. If you're prioritizing your alone time to a fault, in a way that's directly isolating you from making connections or finding community, that's another story. However, many people who don't feel like they belong anywhere are making an effort to try out and test new spaces, while still embracing an independent identity.
They're not reliant on a partner or a community to emotionally support them or craft their daily routines, goals, and plans; instead, those expectations and experiences fall onto them. Whether they enjoy their independence or not might be different from person-to-person, but at the end of the day, they have the security of knowing they can take care of themselves, even once they find the right relationship, community, or connection.
3. They're incredibly empathetic
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In addition to being emotionally intelligent and self-aware, people who don't feel like they belong anywhere also tend to be empathetic and drawn to helping, supporting, and celebrating other people's wins. According to psychologist Jonice Webb, a person's disconnect from healthy relationships or connections doesn't usually stem from their ability to engage in them, but their ability to accept them.
For example, someone who feels like "an outsider," like Webb phrases it, might feel fundamentally unworthy of attention or love — stemming from trauma or unmet childhood needs — and unknowingly sabotage or push away people who express those positive feelings to them. They also might view their own emotional needs as a burden, while actively trying to support other people's.
Belonging is a two-way street. Of course, an "outsider's" empathy is important, but their ability to accept another person's is equally important.
4. They feel their emotions deeply
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Vulnerability is the key to connection, but many people who struggle with belonging don't have the relationships or avenues to express their intense emotions and uncomfortable feelings. Instead, they're left to express and manage them individually — or sometimes, with a parent — in ways that can feel even more isolating when they're alone.
However, this ability to feel and acknowledge their emotions from a self-aware perspective isn't something that a lot of people have the power or capacity to do, and it's a superpower, whether it feels like one or not.
5. They're more open-minded
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According to therapist Dr. Sheri Jacobson, our sense of belonging and connection is typically rooted in our values, beliefs, and shared experiences with others. When we're struggling to connect with others, we might be more willing to open our minds to new ideas, trying to find common ground with others who may not be incredibly similar to us.
While sacrificing our own moral integrity isn't healthy in any kind of relationship, even if a misguided sense of belonging is achieved, being open-minded towards difference and challenging beliefs can be incredibly helpful to building a strong personal identity and relationship, something people who don't feel like they belong anywhere usually excel with.
6. They're complex thinkers
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While social interaction and connection are important and incredibly influential on our lives and identities, like philosophy expert Shaun Gallagher explains in his book "Normativity in Perception," people who struggle with belonging also have important, unique, and inquisitive traits that add value to their lives and help to cultivate their strong-willed identity.
Considering these people aren't immediately accepted or embraced by a group of people or community, they're often pushed into modes of critical thinking to form their own belief systems, identities, and opinions, rather than adopting the shared experience and commonalities of others.
7. They're creative
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Channelling their alone time, isolation, or lack of social interaction into their own hobbies and interests, oftentimes people who don't belong find ways to express themselves through artistic ventures and creativity.
According to a study published in the Journal of Creativity, this kind of creative expression — tied to internal emotion and mental health — isn't just productive for investing in hobbies or filling alone time, but often actively combats against depression and feelings of loneliness. Their commitment and reliance on creative outlets is also fundamental for building other important cognitive, physical, and emotional skills.
8. They're emotionally and physically resilient
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Overcoming feelings of isolation or a lack of belonging can take an emotional toll on a lot of people. It's an uncomfortable feeling to cope with, especially on a daily basis without community or constant social reassurance. However, people who don't feel like they belong anywhere tend to cope with this feeling much more than the average person, contributing to their resilience in other areas of their lives.
While the Mayo Clinic Health System suggests there's a threshold between isolation and this resilience against a lack of belonging, where a toxic cycle of depression and loneliness can further sabotage a person's connections and community, there are still positive attributes and eccentric traits these individuals hold.
9. They're intuitive and curious
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Not only are people who don't feel like they belong anywhere intuitive to the emotions and expressions of others, they also tend to be more intuitive about the world around them and their own thoughts and emotions. They're curious about "the why" behind things, especially having to do with the community, connection, and social interaction that they struggle to maintain or grow.
While these inquisitive and eccentric interests might be the root of their nonconformity with traditional groups and communities, there's also a chance they're leaning on curiosity to cope with the loneliness associated with their lack of social interaction.
10. They're less judgmental of others
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Whether judgement passed upon them is the reason for their isolation or not, people who struggle with belonging tend to be less judgmental of others, open-minded to the differences, conflicts, and opposing opinions other people may have.
Like executive coach Beverly Landais suggests, "outsiders," or people without a specific community or social group, tend to have less preconceived ideas or notions about the world than those who do, bringing less bias and judgement to their conversations.
11. They're good listeners
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While some people argue it's actually the social qualms and struggles of people — like being a poor listener, socially inept, or self-centered — that isolates people from communities and feeling a sense of belonging, the majority of people are simply geographically challenged or still investing into their own identity, struggling to find the right match. Generally, people who don't feel like they belong are more empathetic towards others, yearning for healthy connection, and actively listen to help them feel heard.
Empathy, along with this innate attentiveness, is the key to active listening, according to a 2023 study, and gives people who don't feel a sense of general belonging a chance to help others feel understood and heard in ways they've struggled to achieve.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.