8-Year-Old Drives Herself To Target, Hits A Mailbox, Spends $400 & Is Found Casually Sipping A Frappuccino When Police Arrive
Look out, literally every female icon in history, there's a new viral diva in town! (And she is NOT a good driver...)
Zoriana Zaitseva | Shutterstock Audrey Hepburn. Marilyn Monroe. Aretha. Madonna. Cher. These are just some of the female icons of the last century. And every single one of them needs to SIT DOWN because they have officially been eclipsed!
No, not by today's rising divas, but by an Ohio 8-year-old with a love of shopping, a penchant for Frappuccinos, and hilariously poor judgment. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet the internet's new sensation…
An 8-year-old stole her mom's SUV and drove herself — badly — to Target.
Listen, we've all been there: You have stuff to do, places to be, necessary purchases to make — and also, you're 8 and know darn well that if you ask your mom for a Target run, she's gonna be all, "no you are literally 8 go play Parcheesi" or whatever 8-year-olds are into nowadays.
So what are you supposed to do? Just NOT complete your pressing errands?! Not on this girl's watch! The Bedford, Ohio youngster decided the only thing standing between herself and her Target run was arbitrary laws saying she was not old enough to drive.
So off she went in her mom's Nissan Rogue to the local Target, because nobody ever changed the world without breaking a few rules!
And she probably would have gotten away with it if, you know, her parents hadn't noticed both she and the car were gone and called in a missing persons report like a bunch of NARC DORKS! Seriously, why won't they just let their daughter be great?!
The youngster hit a mailbox but was otherwise unscathed and was found by police sipping a Frappuccino after spending $400.
Listen, you gotta knock over a few mailboxes to make an omelet or whatever that saying is, and frankly, it's inspiring that this little girl was so unfazed by a little property damage. She simply will not be deterred, and one day, she will be elected dictator.
Anyway, after her understandably hysterical parents called the cops, they quickly tracked her down to the local Target.
Local police posted the details to their Facebook page, reporting that she was safely apprehended after dropping $400 on Pop Rocks and Skibidi Toilet t-shirts or whatever third graders buy on Target runs.
When police discovered her in the Bainbridge, Ohio, Target, the little girl was cool as anything. She casually admitted that she destroyed the mailbox en route while sipping a Frappuccino without a care in the world.
Such diva behavior that it takes your breath away! That sound you hear is every social media influencer and rising Hollywood starlet simultaneously erupting into a Regina George meltdown because they've been beaten to the iconoclast punch by an 8-year-old with a knack for grand theft auto.
Anyway, the cops confirmed that our newest cultural icon did make it home safe and added that they are "not sure what she bought, or if she was even able to use her Target app to save 5%." Crucially, however, the police "did let her finish her Frappuccino. We’re not mean." Finally, a cop with some scruples!
The girl has obviously become the darling of the internet, especially after dashcam footage of her trip showed up online.
The little girl has unsurprisingly become the internet's newest fave. And in a time when heroes are harder and harder to find every day, who can blame them?! Her story is basically a masterclass in being unbossed and unbothered. She is the future!
She is also, however, a truly terrible driver.
As if the fundamental absurdity of this story weren't already hilarious enough, dashcam footage from another motorist of the little girl's joyride has surfaced, and hoo boy! It really is a wonder she didn't do more damage, especially considering she drove TEN MILES weaving in and out of her lane for 20-25 MINUTES.
Honestly, the more details that come out about this story, the more we have no choice but to stan. We simply have no other recourse! Because I ask you this: When is the last time you got this much accomplished in an entire day, let alone by 8:00 a.m. like this legend?
She is simply living on an entirely different astral plane than the rest of us. She's living in 4034; we're living in 2024. She's playing chess, we're playing… not even checkers. Hop Scotch! Tag! 1, 2, 3, 4 Let's Have A Thumb War, at best!
The lesson here? Yes, keep a better eye on your kids or whatever (boring!), but also never let anything stand in the way of your dreams and desires. Age is nothing but a number; rules were made to be broken, and laws are merely suggestions, and that's that on that.
Because here's the real truth: The only thing standing between you and the $400 Target run and Frappuccino you richly deserve is your fear. Well, that and, like, grand larceny or whatever. Now, go be the joy-riding 8-year-old you want to see in the world! Fin.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.