Can't Let Go? 3 Steps To Bury The Past And Move On To Better
When relationships end learn to let go and move on
Mothers want to see their children succeed. Newlyweds believe their love is special and will last throughout eternity. Best friends make declarations that they can weather life’s storms together , forever, come rain, sleet, hail, marriage, children, and cross continental relocations.
We’ve all felt the kind of certainty about our relationships that leaves no room for doubt, but sometimes the best laid plans, wrapped in the noblest of intentions , simply don’t work out and the only move we can make… is to move on.
A father was teaching his son how to play chess. The father said, “son it’s your turn. What are you going to do? The young boy said, “ I don’t have any moves left. I’ve got nowhere to go. “
“Then the game is over” , remarked the his father.
“But I still want to play, “ the child insisted.
“Then you have to stop wasting time, complaining, scratch this game, and start a new one”.
When you’re out of moves spending days, weeks, and months lamenting what once was can eventually cost you years.
I’ve seen it happen all too often in my practice; clients spending untold amounts of time, money, and resources dissecting the anatomy of a broken marriage or busted relationship, at the expense of their sanity and joy. Client’s like the red-head, who hadn’t been on a date in ten years, after her boyfriend cheated with her best friend. Or the bread-maker. This guy owned one of the most successful bakeries on the east coast and stopped enjoying his life after his wife left the business , divorced him, and opened her own shop. I’ll never share names to protect the innocent, but what a shame these people spent needless years in a self-imposed prison.
They freed themselves by using three simple steps. You can too.
The steps are easy and only complicated if you choose to make them so. We were not put on this planet to waste time lamenting the pain of the past. When we make mistakes or things don’t turn out as planned, we suffer… because that’s what human beings do. We get hurt, feel the bite, and move on. If there was a gatekeeper of life collecting tolls for the mistakes and disappointments of life that we endure, he would collect the toll ONCE and send us on our way. Yet many of us want to pay the toll TWICE, even THREE or FOUR times. It’s time to end that cycle and outdated way of thinking.
By …
1) Accepting responsibility for the role we have played in a relationship failure or disappointment.
2) Identifying the great lesson learned as a result of the relationship failure or disappointment.
3) Incorporating that lesson into your life in a meaningful way that makes a difference for you.
More Juicy Content From YourTango:
- 5 Moves Men Can Learn From Christian Grey
- What Did 'Fifty Shades of Grey's' Author Reveal About The Movie?
- Who's The New Front Runner To Star In '50 Shades Of Grey'?
… You can heal yourself, walk away, and step into the light of a fresh way of life.
Some time ago a longstanding relationship of mine bit the dust Well before it ended , with what I thought was a friend, hurling insults at me left and right, I recall a still quiet voice playing like a tape recorder in my mind, “Sheila this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. This is toxic. You know it’s toxic.” I heard that same voice over and over again during the course of the friendship. And each time I ignored it, giving this person the benefit of the doubt, for the sake of preserving shared history. When the damn broke, it was as hurtful an ending as anyone could imagine. I asked myself how could anyone say such cruel things to a friend. The answer is, they couldn’t and she never was a friend. I took away the lesson of a lifetime that day- trust your gut and that still small voice above all else. That still small voice was and is my greatest protection. I bought a key chain with the simple word ‘TRUST’ engraved on it. Every day when I open my door or start my car, I’m reminded of the lesson in a positive, not painful way.
By taking responsibility for the role we have played in failed relationships we begin to heal almost instantly because we’ve shifted a major aspect of the energy that keeps us stuck- finding ways to assign blame.
If I make it about him I can let myself off the hook and remain the great person I am.
If it’s all her fault I don’t need to look at myself and make any necessary adjustments.
If I can continue to blame her, she can carry the burden of the guilty conscience as I walk away free and more importantly Right.
The blame game takes a tremendous amount of energy to play and you’ll never win, because much like a tennis match, you’ll serve that ball hard and fast and it comes right back to you with the same furious speed, demanding more justifications, and reasons to keep you in the coveted morally superior position. This position only feels good temporarily, then you’re right back at square one.
Once you’ve taken the important step of assuming responsibility for the part you played in the failed relationship, it’s time to incorporate the lesson you’ve learned into your life, in a meaningful way.
“There is no lesson!”, you say.
I challenge that. There is always a lesson.
A woman confided, “He was the biggest jerk I ever met. He used me again and again. I can’t learn anything from him!”
A person can’t use us without our consent and certainly can’t use us again and again without express signature. Lessons will repeat themselves again and again until we open our eyes and receive them. Patterns don’t lie. It’s the universe tapping us on the shoulder and saying, “Be honest with yourself so this cycle can end. Have the courage to be honest with yourself so that you can move beyond this lesson.
Once you identify the lesson, how wonderful it is to have the freedom to incorporate that lesson into your life in a meaningful way. One of my client’s makes a point of having a few scoops of strawberry ice cream each week. When I asked her why she said, “ My ex-husband was a chocolate lover. He hated strawberry ice cream and I eventually stopped buying it all together. As a matter of fact I stopped doing a lot of things I loved during the course of that marriage. My weekly scoop is a reminder- that’s all.”
Here’s to letting go and moving on to better!
Love and Light,
Sheila