Why Are Sex Toys For Men All SO Freaking Weird?

By now, most of us have thumbed to the back of a laddy mag, ostensibly to read the end of a story about Oliver North's second act or a softball interview with Gerard Butler, and have gone eyeball to eyeball with something that looks like Gina Gershon's mouth and retails for $49.99.

That hunk of rubber is a pocket p***y, and yes, we can all agree that — like most male sex toys — it's pretty weird.

But this is the opening salvo in man's effort to make something that looks to be as much fun as a vibrator.

For the most part, we perceive male self-lovin' to work thusly: arousal then friction then boom.

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Sure, we can mix up the lubricant and the visuals (hola spank bank), but he's still having sex with his own paw.

That's why we experiment with things like body pillows (sometimes with a Japanese cartoon character on it), inflatable dolls, and soft, warm pastry products. But none of these things are particularly good at dealing with the "aftermath" of our love, and that's why some genius invented the Fleshlight. Imagine the pocket "party," plus a flashlight-esque, dishwasher-safe tube. Best idea ever… on paper.

A few of my favorite podcasts (Kevin Smith and Joe Rogan) are Fleshlight-sponsored, and they swear up and down how awesome it is (Smith had a great recurring bit about it being the other woman), but it's still an artificial vagina and there's a tiny voice in the back of the uptight, American brain that says, "What if you have an embolism during a JO sesh and they find you with your junk inside this thing?"

Or worse yet, what if everything goes fine and it feels better than the real thing?

Like mopeds, these sex toys are fun to ride, but you'd be embarrassed if your friends saw you.

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The male reproductive process (with our outdoors genitalia) is characterized as less mysterious and fairly utilitarian. And since most dudes have been self-applying friction since the 7th grade, some folks might conjecture that they don't really "need" a rubberized baby tunnel.

Are sex toys for dudes sorta gross because the male orgasm seems so easy by comparison that any accouterments are overkill?

If Philippe Starck and Apple made a very attractive artificial lady biz, would the skeev factor still exist? And does that mean we're all secretly uncomfortable with the vajayjay? Or is it just that lady sex toys can be disguised as lipstick or a massager or a floppy club used for fighting off intruders and a man toy is always just an artificial cooch?