The Subtle Manipulation Tactic The Most Conniving Spouses Use To Control Their Partners
Watch out for this under-the-radar manipulation tactic.
Katerina Holmes | Canva Whether you have been married for decades or you are recently starting a life together as a couple, how you handle difficulties in your marriage can mean the difference between a happy, safe, and intimate relationship and a frustratingly distant one.
William Glasser, MD, the creator of Choice Theory, said that when we are unhappy with our situation, we attempt to change it by looking outside of ourselves to seek the cause of our troubles. In practical terms, way too often we look for the culprit in our spouse.
In doing so, we use the Seven Deadly Habits of External Control. These are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding or bribing to control. Choice Theory teaches us that the only person whose behavior we can control is our own, so these Deadly Habits are misguided attempts to control others in our lives.
The subtle manipulation habit the most conniving spouses use to control their partners is called punishing, and this is why it's so damaging to relationships.
Vera Arsic / Pexels
If you have ever experienced the punishing tactic, also known as the silent treatment, you know how it strikes at your very soul.
People who use silent treatment to control, fix, change, or in any way "teach their spouse a lesson" are violating their spouse's individuality and boundaries.
Silent treatment sends the message that the target is unworthy of being noticed and is beneath contempt. It is abusive behavior that undermines trust in a marriage. If it is used regularly in a marriage, it will erode all intimacy and feelings of goodwill toward the spouse who employs this Deadly Habit.
This behavior is often learned in childhood and may be modeled by a parent. A child may figure out that using silent treatment is a very effective tool for getting his way. The problem is that this immature behavior, when carried into adult relationships, has the potential to cause great and sometimes irreversible damage.
If you have been the target of this particular type of Deadly Habit, you know there is little you can do to make the person who started this "Silent Siege" talk to you. But you can take care of yourself. Remember, the only person who you can change is yourself — research from 2015 states that people only change when they want to.
Use the time to do some self-care. Spend time with friends and family. Research from 2022 confirms that self-care is a great way to take care of your mental health.
fauxels / Pexels
Take yourself to the movies, go to the library, walk in the park, write letters to friends, get plenty of rest, get a massage, take regular bubble baths, and so on. Get creative when you do your self-care.
Abusive behaviors thrive in silence, so if your friends or family ask how things are going or where your spouse is, you do not have to tell all, but you can say, "Oh, my husband/wife isn't speaking to me." Remember that you are worthy of respect and although you probably want to scream at your spouse when s/he does this, maintain your self-respect and act civilly to her/him. This way you are modeling the respectful behavior that you desire in your marriage.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Michelle E Vasquez, LPC, MS, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and author of Creating Happily Ever After: A Marriage Manual for What to Do After the Honeymoon is Over.