The 12 Types Of Sex You NEED To Have Before Settling Down

By Simcha Whitehill

I'm sick of all these so-called relationship experts telling ladies the way to snag a man is to keep it in your pants. Listen, you big mouth prisses, not only am I too old to be a virgin, but I sure as hell am glad I'm not!

Holding out for some kind of commitment only makes a gal think her vagina is her primary value, not herself. And, frankly, even my mother, a proper lady who wears pantyhose in Florida, agrees you have to test-drive some cars before you know which one you wanna buy, if you know what she means.

Especially before you settle down, you have to get around and at least experience these 12 kinds of sex.

1. Sexy Foreigner Sex

You can barely pronounce his name, but boy does he talk pretty. Perhaps you're traveling, or he came to you. Either way, don't let the chance to have a fling with a foreign hottie pass you by. Hey, it might just be your only chance to see one uncircumcised.

2. "The One" Sex

You thought he was, but he isn't. He broke your heart and you wonder if you'll ever have sex this good again. I promise, when you do meet your match for real, you'll know this guy was a test of faith that made you stronger.

3. The Big D Sex

You must hunt down and slay lay the mythical dragon penis. Otherwise, you'll always wonder how big is too big. You'll have that gasp moment when it's revealed to you and then you get to remember what it's like to be a virgin when he sticks it in.

Afterward, you get to brag to your girlfriends and every salami will remind you of him. But finally, you can put the fantasy that a huge manhood has magical powers to rest. It's just a Johnson, attached to a man, like all the others. And sometimes that man is an even bigger prick. 

4. Bad Sex

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The kind of sex you want to take a shower after, immediately. It'll help you appreciate good sex, and even mediocre sex when you have it. 

5. Angry/Hate/Breakup Sex

Whether you're angry because he's a Republican and you canvassed for Obama, or you're totally mad at your BF and want to call it off, anger is one potent aphrodisiac. It certainly starts the sexy time off with a bang. It's like naked wrestling where everyone wins.

6. Rock Star/DJ/Actor/Artist/Athlete Sex

Who doesn't fantasize about being someone's muse? When you're some guy's Penny Lane, you feel like a million sexy bucks. And then cheap, like, two seconds later. But it always makes for an interesting story. So go, be someone's inspiration... in bed.

7. Booty Hole Sex

You should know if anal is your thing before you settle down. Test out this sex position with someone you trust, preferably a mild-mannered sweetheart who is super-gentle in the sack and who's also dispensable, just in case you don't like it and never want to do it again.

Because for dudes, once they pop, they can't stop. And for some people, not getting any no-no factory action is a dealbreaker. 

8. Lesbian Sex

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You don't have to go all the way, but you have to at least kiss another girl. And it doesn't count if you're doing it for male attention; every liaison is best in private. There is a level of understanding yourself and your sexuality that comes from sexing it up with another woman, no matter how straight you think you are.

9. Older/Younger Man Sex

This is a two-parter: bag a younger man and an older man. Especially when it comes to dudes, you have to comparison shop. I could make some sweeping generalizations here, like your older man will lavish you with expensive gifts and attention, and the boy will have you screwing like bunnies.

But in my experience, that can be a load of bull. You have to taste men at every age, and you might just be surprised by what you find out about guys in general.

10. Dominant Sex

Three words: woman on top. You totally dominate this sexual experience. It's you, in control, doing and getting what you want. Bonus points if it involves leather.

11. Incomplete/Drunk Sex

Sometimes he drank too much whiskey; sometimes he just did it solo. Whatever the reason, sometimes you can't get him up for the night and you have to accept that. No hard feelings, no pun intended.

You have to figure out how to handle your insecurity over the situation in a way that doesn't make a man feel worthless. It happens to every dude. Let's just be grateful all we ladies have to do is show up, spread 'em, and party on.

12. Solo Sex

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There is nothing more empowering and easy than doin' it yourself. Masturbation is important for learning what you like and how to get all the way home. And it's extra fun to get the job done with a vibrating play thing.

You just can't miss out on what technology has to offer your ladyflower. But with or without batteries, thanks to masturbation, you'll be able to help future partners give you what you want.