10 Subtle Signs Of A Duplicitous Spouse Who's Deep Into An Emotional Affair, According To Psychology
Do you notice these odd behaviors?
Drazen Zigic | Canva After the wedding bells, when a couple moves on into married life and their family and careers, often one or the other will meet someone —at work or in a class — whose company they enjoy and whom they spend time with. The Urban Dictionary has sprouted a new slang term "work spouse" for "a significant other with whom you work."
Frequently one spouse will begin to wonder if it's crossed the line into an affair, and that's when you hear the infamous words, "We are just friends!" Are they? How can you tell when it's crossed the line from friendship into infidelity? Here are ten easy ways to tell!
Here are 10 subtle signs of a duplicitous spouse who's deep into an emotional affair
1. They show their best selves to their new friend
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Do they hide your not-so-good side from your "friend", or are they always stressed, grouchy, silly, frumpy, and sick? When it's a friendship, we let our friends see us as we are.
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, we try to impress them and only let them see us looking good, smelling good, and at our witty best. Research from 2023 tells us that people dress better when they want to impress someone.
2. They think a lot
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Do they seem to be fantasizing a lot? When it's a friendship, usually your mind is on what you're doing or life and occasionally thinking of some situation in their life.
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, your mind envisions, invents, imagines, and longs for what you might do with your "friend." The BBC reports that we tend to think a lot about people we crush on.
3. They socialize a lot more
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Do they hope they might catch their "friend" if you're out together socially, or do they keep wanting to see their "friend" when they're with you?
When it's a friendship, you don't think about running into your friends because you are present and enjoying the company of your partner. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, your mind thinks of ways to "accidentally run into them" or lingers on what a goodnight kiss might be like.
4. You're not comfortable about his friendship
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When it's a friendship, you and your partner have discussed and enthusiastically agree with each other about when and where to meet the friend and for how long —the primary connection and agreement is with your partner. Research from the Institute for Family Studies tells us that married people can have other friends, but they have to set boundaries.
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, your partner may not be comfortable with your "friend" or may not agree with when or how much time you spend with your "friend" and the primary connection is no longer with the partner.
5. They hide their phone
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When it is a friendship, you allow your partner to see you — your life, your schedule, who you're seeing and why. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you hide the truth and call that "privacy", concealing your thoughts and feelings, where you're really going, and who you'll be meeting.
When people start to hide their phones and lives from their significant others, this can cause them to get curious. According to statistics from the Pew Research Center, 41% of people admit to going through their partner's phone.
6. He shares intimate things with others
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When it's a friendship, they may know some things or may have grown up in the same neighborhood, but you don't share all of you with them. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you share intimately the things that you should be sharing with your partner.
7. They complain about you to others
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When it is a friendship, there may be times to get some encouragement or support, but details are best shared directly with your partner and you seek your primary connection in your relationship! When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you share complaints about your relationship with your "friend" instead of with your partner, seeking primary emotional support from outside the relationship!
8. They're jealous
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Do you feel happy when you see your "friend" go on dates? When it is a friendship, you don't feel joined with the friend, so of course you'd set them up with someone who will treat them well and make them happy!
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you would feel jealous if someone else went out with your "friend" because deep down, you sort of want them to yourself! Feelings of jealousy, one study states, are a major reason for conflict in marriages.
9. They're frustrated
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When it's a friendship, you'd think, "I want to be the best man/maid of honor! Heck yeah!" When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you feel angry, frustrated, or sullen at the thought of losing them to someone else.
And all of these pent-up feelings won't do their marriage any good either. Anger in a marriage can cause stress, one 2006 study states.
10. They find others attarctive
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You love your "friend" and you can do anything for them, but one thing you cannot do is imagine being intimate with them! When it's a friendship, you may feel protective, silly and like you can totally be you in a safe place and be accepted even though you're weird — but thinking of them that way makes you laugh and say, "Yeah good one!"
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you not only can imagine it but daydream about it during the day and dream about it at night! If you are honest with yourself, look at these signs, and realize your spouse may be crossing the line into an emotional affair
It's not too late! You can choose to stop and rebuild the love in your relationship. To rekindle the flame of love. Research from the Gottman Institute states that a relationship can survive infidelity.
David and Cindy Taylor are Life, Marriage, and Relationship Coaches who help people end affairs and rebuild more loving, happy marriages.