6 Semi-Sensible Reasons Guys Bail On Threesomes (As Told By A Guy)

The semi-Sapphic ménage a trois is supposed to be ultimate male fantasy*. But all is not as dandy as candy in "two chicks at the same time" land-y.

I'd first heard of the downright anti-American idea that a girl-on-guy-on-girl could be anything other than legen-wait for it-dary in an old issue of Maxim (In an article debunking sexual fantasies, a writer said the reality of a threesome was having to hear, "are you finished yet?" in stereo. "But what did he know," I thought, "he's just some writer in New York who's probably a complete dork and doesn't know anything (wait for that to settle)."

One Em & Lo reflection brought this near blasphemy back to mind. Em & Lo give advice to a young woman who is way into this sort of expression of her sexuality but is concerned that her guy is less than thrilled to share her (even with another lady). We then hear from the dude himself (Excellent read. Give it a twice-over).

So, I've whipped up six reasons (beyond bi-furcated performance criticism and relationship insecurity) that a guy may turn down a threesome:

1. He's not an orgy guy.

Have no intention of becoming an orgy guy. And think a threesome is a gateway to orgy guydom.

2. The "one male and one female" policy was good enough for Noah, 'nuff said.

(Except for Noah's family and possibly some "companions," if you buy into the Bahai explanation.)

3. He's waiting for a better offer.

That's right two chicks, a beer helmet AND seven-layer dip.

4. He's pretty much lukewarm on new experiences...

...pleasure, the off-line world, onanism.

5. You think your wife and the women you've been sleeping with may falsely imprison you...

...punch you in the face and superglue parts of you to other parts of you.

6. He misunderstood the question.

I'm sure there are much better reasons to turn down a bit of threesome action — holler with 'em and keep it PG-13.

*As opposed to the Devil's Threeway, which is some guy's fantasy, something some guys indulge in is to please a sexual dynamo of a wife or something that makes for a very awkward ride home in Y Tu Mama Tambien.