Obama Ruined My Game

Hey, howaboutthat? A skinny kid from a broken family with a funny last name is the next President of the United States. Not only that, he has the kind of mandate and goodwill that we haven't seen since September 2001, and a former opponent that seemed sincere and ready to follow in his concession speech. Many of us haven't seen that in our lives.

But how much do we really know about Barack Obama? We know that he's from Chicago, was some kind of lawyer, and has a good-looking wife. (Sorry, I find Michelle Obama attractive.) We know that his middle name starts with the letter 'H' and rhymes with butane, and we know what an incredible, American success story he is. But you won't like everything about the President-elect, and I'm not referring to the 5% (or so) of you that will have to pay the 39.6% marginal tax rate. I'm sorry to inform you that Barack is a c*ckblock.

I decided to hold off writing about this until after the election for two reasons. First, I thought news like this could sway the election, or at least the frat vote. And second, I wanted to hold out until he was elected president, because who among us hasn't been c*ckblocked by a senator? When I lived in South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham was clearly on a mission to bust up my game*.

President-elect Barack Obama is guilty of blowing up the game of Henry County, Georgia's Nicklaus Lovelady. As reported by Mother Jones, Lovelady was a journalist (if such a word still exists) for the Henry Daily Herald. During a press thingy, Obama began taking questions from the crowd but refused to take a question from the babyfaced Lovelady on account of his babyfacedness. Lovelady cleared up the misunderstanding but was already the subject of ridicule by 800 press members including one particularly important person. Lovelady was working his mack on an intern from a rival paper and was thisclose to making something happen. All he needed was to impress her by asking Barack Obama an insightful question.

But Obama, for a hot sec, lost sight of the bro code. By law, Lovelady is allowed to request a condom, a wingman and a semi-private room from a fellow dude. And he got none of the above. So, by right, he demanded a pound of flesh in the form of a public apology. And Obama, possibly after reviewing the bro code, obliged and called Lovelady "to publicly apologize for messing up your game. I read that; I felt terrible. I didn't know there were any ladies around. I just wanted to let you know that I'm deeply sorry."

In a word: awesome. In 2 words: awesome pants. In 3 words: awesome pants McGillicuddy. I've no doubt that John McCain would have apologized as well, but the whole thing would have turned into a Saturday Night Live sketch and would, therefore, have lacked some sincerity and a timely, coherent ending. And forget about the Bush administration apologizing for anything, let alone screwing up a shot a premarital, birth control-regulated sex.

What can we learn from this? Obama knows how to treat his fellow man, and if he makes a mistake, he'admit it and apologize. We live in interesting times.

*To my knowledge, Lindsey Graham has never prevented me from tricking a girl into my lair, though South Carolina's silly airplane bottle liquor law may have.

Photos: Splash