The 'Chicken Nugget Rule' Brilliant People Follow When Meeting Someone New
Relationships are better slow-cooked.
Dean Drobot via Shutterstock Why does it feel like you keep meeting and dating the same type of person? Whether swiping on apps or meeting in person, it feels like Groundhog Day: every date, a new problem. It's like trying to find a new job, you send out a pile of inquiries and receive no follow-up from all but one or two. These are all signs it's time to start following the "chicken nugget rule".
Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of A Little Nudge, joined Andrea Miller on Getting Open to share dating tips, photo advice, and the one thing most people get wrong on first dates. She offered a few brilliant bits of wisdom, including the chicken nugget rule, a rule she believes can turn the tide of change for people who are frustrated with not finding love.
Why the chicken nugget rule works
As Ettin says, 'You can't microwave a relationship'
Imagine you get home and you're hungry. You have frozen chicken nuggets in your freezer. You could microwave your chicken nuggets, and they will be done in 2 minutes. They will be serviceable chicken nuggets, but they won't be satisfying. They'll be soggy, not evenly cooked, maybe a little rubbery. You might burn your tongue, but you eat them.
If you had put them in the oven, toaster, or air fryer, even though it takes longer, when those chicken nuggets come out, they're cooked evenly. You feel satisfied, even if you don't love the particular brand of chicken nuggets, you've got a good sense of what those nuggets can offer.
When it comes to dating, you need the same maturity to say, "I am not going to microwave my relationship. I'm willing to be patient because the payoff is extraordinary." It's the greatest gift in the world to find that powerful connection.
"Humans are biased toward pro-relationship decisions," stated a 2021 study progression bias in romantic relationships, "decisions that favor the initiation, advancement, and maintenance of romantic relationships."
You get what you expect
We get stuck in a negative narrative to the extent it becomes confirmation bias.
A 2021 study on the effects of positive or negative self-talk "showed that positive self-talk and negative self-talk differently modulate brain states concerning cognitive performance. Self-respect may have both positive and negative effects due to enhanced executive functions and inaccurate confidence, respectively, whereas self-criticism may positively affect cognitive performance by inducing a less confident state that increases internal motivation and attention."
We expect a date to go badly because everybody is selfish and lacks social awareness. Then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and our date is exactly what we projected onto them.
Not dismissing the fact that dating can be exhausting and frustrating, but we don't let five minutes of bad take over your whole day, so who cares if most dates are not going to be phenomenal?
Sometimes people go on three dates and think, "Why am I not connecting with anyone?"
Yet, if you connect with one out of every 20 people, you would expect to go on more dates before having a successful date.
Different people have different standards. So if you like one out of every say 20 people, you still need to date 20 people, and that takes time.
Sometimes one person feels like there's no connection with the person they went on a date with, but another person could say it was the best date of their life. That doesn't make it a bad date or a bad person.
It's good to give someone positive reinforcement and let them know you had a nice time, and thank them, but don't think liking someone more will make someone like you.
Taking the time proves it was worth waiting for
simona pilolla 2 via Shutterstock
Everyone wants to speed up the process, and no one wants to take the time, but taking the time proves you deserve it.
People think their partner should be certain things and act in particular ways, and we all believe other people should accept us exactly as we are. Yet, the minute someone else has one little thing we don't think is right, we dismiss them.
If you're in love, would you take back six months of getting to know each other and falling in love because of one thing you didn't want and then found you could live with? People are so quick to dismiss all the good and the time they put in for one misstep, or foible.
When a challenge comes up, we want to resist, resent, or reject
Research from 2005 on rejection sensitivity found "defensive motivational systems that allow individuals to monitor and process information about acceptance and belongingness," and "these systems also impact the way people respond to their social environment. Rejection sensitivity is one of these systems, one that has developed from a history of repeated rejection. Rejection sensitivity generally leads to maladaptive responses to rejection, responses that ultimately bring about exclusion and rejection."
People who bring challenges into our lives can cause us to respond quickly and resist, resent, or reject. We have to train ourselves in how relationships grow, each person and the person you care deeply about bring you challenges.
When it comes to how you might grow and be willing to revisit your thoughts, we are right and recognize how rigidly attached to our judgments and our perceptions we can be, but at our peril.
Dating can be a frustrating, tangled mess of emotions to find a person you can work with and grow a healthy relationship. We might feel the need to rush and microwave a relationship to be satisfied for the moment. We might feel discouraged by all the failures after only a few attempts.
Healthy love is a complicated recipe requiring the proper ingredients, in correct proportion, combined favorably and left to simmer until it is your featured dish on the menu of life.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.
