11 Phrases People Say When They Quietly Judge Everyone But Don't Say It Out Loud
Their remarks are as subtle as they are passive-aggressive.
Luis Molinero | Shutterstock People who sit back and quietly judge everyone from the sidelines rarely make their actions obvious. They actually come off as some of the sweetest, most understanding people that make you comfortable to talk about anything with. However, they are masters of passive-aggressive elegance, and their ability to subtly throw shade and quick, judgy expressions are what we love (and sometimes hate) about them.
These people don't want to stir up any drama, but they do want their closest friends to know exactly what they’re thinking. There are many phrases people say when they quietly judge everyone but don't say it out loud, and if any of them sound familiar or you're guilty of using them, you may be more silently critical than you think.
Here are 11 phrases people say when they quietly judge everyone but don't say it out loud
1. 'That's a choice...'
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Everything is a choice, but when a judgmental person says it, it's not something anyone would ever go for. For example, if your best friend stops by your house sporting a new outfit that they love, you may not think it looks great on them, nor is it something you would ever choose for yourself.
You don't want to offend them and may opt for this phrase to let them know you are aware of their choice without revealing your true feelings behind it. But while you may not say it so straightforwardly, it has very rude undertones. And the lack of enthusiasm people often exhibit while saying this phrase actually reveals a lot.
2. 'If it works for you, then great'
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"If it works for you, then great" is one of the phrases people say when they quietly judge everyone but don't say it out loud. But the person saying this doesn't actually think that decision is great; rather, they are simply judging and being critical. This phrase disguises their genuine opinions just enough to avoid confrontation.
It puts the focus on "you" in a "bless your heart" kind of way, and subtly isolates the speaker from an idea that they would think is actually okay. When someone says this, they may even have a slight smirk plastered across their face that translates to, "I think that choice is absolutely ridiculous, but whatever helps you sleep at night."
What often works for you may not be great for them, and they may be judging you for it.
3. 'To each their own'
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While this phrase implies that everyone is entitled to their own personal preferences, choices and opinions — even if others don't agree with them — it is a cop-out often used by those who are silently judging.
Even if they find a person's preferences distasteful, they'll refrain from saying things like, "That's weird." Instead, they carefully and politely choose their words to sum up what they actually want to say: "I'd never do that and I think it's questionable, but I'll let you have it." They also may use it to remind themselves that even if they may not make the same choices as others, everyone is entitled to their own.
According to psychologist Terri Apter, PhD, when we take a moment to think about what we're saying, we're strengthening our relationships, rather than building resentment. "Constant testing and refinement of our judgments can be exhausting and humbling, but such reflection is also rewarding and exciting, and essential to living well among the people we love, the people we need, and the people with whom we share our world," she revealed.
4. 'Well, that's different'
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According to psychologist Dana Harron, judging other people has nothing to do with the people who you are judging. Instead, it often reflects how we feel about ourselves and our choices. For example, someone who may struggle with eating disorders may judge how much food another person has on their plate, saying, "That's different."
The reality is that the person's choice is only different from what they are used to, and it makes them uncomfortable. By acknowledging that someone may opt for different choices than they do, they may also be judging themselves and their own approaches.
5. 'No judgment'
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Funny enough, one of the phrases people say when they quietly judge everyone but don't say it out loud is "no judgment." And when this phrase is paired with a condescending tone and smirk, it actually translates to, "I'm feeling all of the judgment I possibly can toward you right now."
Even though it comes across as supportive, there's often a reason people say it. For example, someone saying, "Oh, you're getting back together with your ex? No judgment" is like someone telling you, "I'm not trying to be rude, but..." followed by some pretty harsh opinions that may be considered rude.
Saying "no judgment" could subtly imply that a person may, if they have not already, indeed judge you and use the phrase as a shield. But, just as Apter suggested, surgeon David Hanscom added that remaining aware of our subconscious judgment is beneficial.
"Judgments of others reflect our internal views of ourselves... Most judgments are negative and are disruptive to our capacity to enjoy our day... Simply becoming aware of your inherent judgmental nature will open up your thinking to endless possibilities. Then you can proceed along your healing journey," he revealed.
6. 'You're so brave'
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According to psychology expert Ryan M. Niemiec, Psy.D, research indicates that bravery is not a common strength for people to endorse. Yet, bravery is there and can be tapped into, and people tend to act positively when others make note of their bravery.
When someone makes a risky decision that we may not agree with and silently judge them for, we may opt to commend them on their bravery rather than their senselessness. Saying "You're so brave" really means "You're so brave to gamble with a stupid decision that I would never make for myself."
If you want to keep your relationship with someone intact, referring to them as brave may be wiser than implying that they're reckless.
7. 'That's a fascinating perspective'
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While this phrase can be sincere with a hint of genuine curiosity, the tone and context of which it is said mean everything. In some cases, it is just a polite way of saying, "That's strange," as the word "fascinating" is often used when people don't want to outright say something is bizarre or questionable.
It's typically just a way to use soft skepticism without openly arguing with or offending someone. And the psychology behind respect is that people are more likely to be receptive when they are treated with respect and dignity, even if others may not always agree with them.
8. 'That's above my pay grade'
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At its core, this phrase translates to "That decision issue is not my responsibility and someone else needs to handle it." When someone is silently judging another person, they may use this phrase to avoid having to interact with them any further and potentially letting their judgment slip outwardly.
The phrase is often delivered with a playful or sarcastic tone, as people sometimes use humor in conversations as a shield to avoid being truly open with others about how they feel. However, they may just need to tweak their delivery to share their truth.
"Speaking your truth is important, but it's how you deliver your truth that matters most," Jonice Webb, a licensed psychologist, shared. "Pause and think about yourself and your feelings, but also take into account the other person and their feelings."
9. 'Good for you'
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While this phrase can come across as genuine, it can also be equated to the passive-aggressive tight smile and slow clap. It's a classic tool for quiet judgment. The speaker often wants to distance themselves from the other person's choices without making it obvious.
However, instead of saying, "I wouldn't do that and I'm low-key judging you for it," they opt for just the passive-aggressive "Good for you" to sprinkle in the illusion of happiness and faith.
10. 'Whatever floats your boat'
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"Whatever floats your boat" may sound cliché, but it's actually one of the many phrases people say when they quietly judge everyone but don't say it out loud. It's seemingly breezy and carefree, and is the ideal polite punch people use when they are silently judging.
In itself it comes off as neutral and supportive. However, the reality of it is far more sinister. "That wouldn't be my choice, but hey, if that makes you happy" is what they may really be trying to say. Whatever floats a person's boat may sink that of the individual who is silently judging them.
11. 'Oh... wow'
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Sometimes even the most judgmental people — who typically always have some passive-aggressive comment to make — are rendered speechless. They may use the least amount of words to say all of the complex feelings they are experiencing. This phrase is most commonly used when a person is in a state of utter shock and disbelief.
Someone may have just dropped the news on them that they were quitting their jobs to travel the world, or telling them they got engaged to someone they've been on three dates with. Whatever it may be, if it's a choice that you would never make yourself and are not quite sure how to conceal your judgment, it's probably best to say nothing at all.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
