Being In Love Is A Skill — And Therapists Say These 11 Habits Make You Good (or Bad) At It
Easily determine whether someone is capable of being the best one to love you.
Milko | Canva Many believe everlasting love simply happens when we meet the right person. However, love is not just a feeling, it is a skill that requires awareness, effort, and understanding our unique partners and how they give and receive love. Like any other skill, being in love can be honed with practice — or diminished by bad habits.
Here are 11 habits that make you good (or bad) at the skill of love
1. Understanding and accepting differences
Men and women are generally different in how they communicate and process emotions. There are also differences between people, regardless of gender. The best partners recognize these differences without judgment.
Love does not follow a script. If you demand your partner think, feel, or react exactly as you think they should, you will struggle in love. A skilled partner learns to embrace and work with these differences.
2. Listening without trying to fix everything
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Men often want to fix problems, while women want to be heard. One of the most common complaints in relationships is one partner feels unheard. People who are "good" at love practice active listening — not just nodding while waiting for their turn to speak but truly engaging with what their partner is saying without immediately jumping in with advice, as shown in Communication Research.
Regardless of who you're talking with and trying to support, active listening goes a long way.
3. Balancing independence and togetherness
Men often instinctively pull away at times to regain a sense of autonomy, only to come back with renewed love. Women, on the other hand, often desire closeness before retreating to process their emotions. A skilled partner understands and respects this ebb and flow instead of misinterpreting it as rejection.
4. Expressing appreciation regularly
People who are good at love consistently express gratitude. Men need to feel needed and appreciated, while women need to feel cherished. Taking a moment to say “thank you” for the little things — whether it’s making coffee in the morning or simply being present — strengthens a relationship.
5. Knowing when to give space
Many people suffocate love by not allowing their partner room to breathe. Being in love does not mean being fused together 24/7. Healthy relationships require a balance of togetherness and personal space. When your partner withdraws, it’s not always about you — it’s often about their need to recharge.
6. Communicating needs clearly (without blame or criticism)
The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed how many relationship issues stem from miscommunication. When disagreeing, express your feelings with "I" statements instead of pointing fingers with "you" statements. Avoid absolutes like “never” and “always.” Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I talk about my day.” Framing needs positively and avoiding blame leads to better outcomes.
7. Handling conflict with maturity
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Being in love is not about avoiding conflict but handling it constructively. People bad at love escalate fights or shut down completely. Skilled partners, on the other hand, practice emotional regulation and seek resolution, not victory.
8. Giving love in the way your partner receives it
Men and women express and receive love differently, known as love languages — words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. Understanding and speaking your partner's love language strengthens relationships, while only expressing love the way you prefer may leave their needs unmet.
9. Maintaining playfulness and humor
People who are good at love don’t take everything too seriously. They incorporate fun, humor, and lightheartedness into their relationships. A shared laugh via a funny video, for example, can be more healing than a deep discussion.
10. Keeping the romance alive
Routine and complacency kill passion. People who are "good" at love prioritize romance — not just with grand gestures but with small, everyday moments like leaving a thoughtful note or planning an unexpected date night.
11. Practicing forgiveness and letting go of resentment
No relationship is without mistakes. Those who are bad at love hold onto grudges and keep a mental scorecard of wrongdoings. Good partners, however, know resentment is a poison, so they practice forgiveness — not for the other person’s sake, but for the health of the relationship itself, as supported by a 2005 study.
Love isn’t just about chemistry — it requires effort, understanding, and skill. If you recognize some of the negative habits mentioned earlier, don’t be discouraged. Like any skill, love can be cultivated through practice. The key is to stay mindful, open to learning, and committed to growing with your partner. Every relationship faces challenges, but the strongest ones thrive because both partners choose to work through them together.
Richard Drobnick, LCSW, DCSW, is a therapist and the Director at Mars & Venus Counseling Center in Bergen and Morris Counties, New Jersey.
