11 Signs Of A Selfishly Transactional Person Who Only Reaches Out To Their Parents When They Need Something
Children can become selfish adults, despite their parents' best efforts to raise them otherwise.
Mangostar | Shutterstock Whether it's going off to college or moving away, there comes a point in every parent's life when their child inevitably leaves home, sometimes creating great physical and emotional distance between parent and child. While it might be difficult for most parents, selfless kids take the time to reach out regardless of their circumstances. On the flip side, unfortunately, there are signs of a selfishly transactional person who only reaches out to their parents when they need something.
Despite how caring their parents were to them growing up, these selfish people disrespect their parents, only contacting them when they need something, whether it's money, advice, or simply a means to an end. It's not only cruel, but incredibly damaging, as parents eventually grow resentful of the unappreciative behavior, leading to a potential strain on what was once a healthy parent-child relationship.
Here are 11 signs of a selfishly transactional person who only reaches out to their parents when they need something
1. They never call or text back
Studio Romantic | Shutterstock
When an adult child leaves for college or moves out, things are a bit different. From seeing one another every day to seeing each other once in a blue moon, it can be difficult to navigate for parents, which is why calling and texting is so important. However, when an adult child is selfishly transactional, they won't reach out to their parents.
The quickest way to make someone feel used is to disregard them. By ignoring their parent's messages or phone calls, these individuals are essentially saying, "You aren't important enough to carve out time for." And feeling rejected in this way can have devastating consequences.
According to the American Psychological Association, feeling rejected increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. So, while selfish people don't think much of it, their constant action of ignoring phone calls or not responding for weeks can absolutely cause their parents to feel belittled, leading to a worsening relationship.
2. They don't ask about their parents' well-being
Motortion Films | Shutterstock
When good parents bring their children up, they worry about how they feel and the struggles they experience. But the same can't always be said for when children leave their parents' house, as one of the signs of a selfishly transactional person who only reaches out to their parents when they need something is not being at all interested in their parents' well-being.
Parents want to feel important to their children. They want to know that their children care about them and that their unconditional love isn't one-sided. But refusing to acknowledge them, in turn, creates insecurities and self-doubt within their dynamic.
And when one person feels like their love is one-sided, it can cause unintentional damage to the relationship. According to a study from SAGE Open, one-sided love can easily lead to distress and turmoil, which can also apply to familial relationships. So, while selfish adult children might not want to ask, taking the time to inquire makes all the difference between keeping their relationship with their parents close or strained.
3. They rarely show gratitude
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock
There's a lot to be grateful for in life. From having the opportunity to travel, go to college, or have a good family, showing gratitude in small ways is often the difference between a happy and a miserable person. According to Harvard Health Publishing, as well as research over the years, gratitude is strongly associated with greater happiness.
Yet, selfish people aren't all that happy. Their selfishness often gets in the way of developing close-knit relationships. Because they refuse to show appreciation or gratitude towards their loved ones, they slowly turn their back as they realize they'll never be deemed important enough to this person.
A strong indicator of a transactional relationship between an adult child and their parents is never showing appreciation for what they've been given or provided growing up and into adulthood. And they're also likely ungrateful in every relationship they have.
4. They never offer to help
AstroStar | Shutterstock
As children grow into adults, it isn't just a parent's responsibility to pour into the relationship. In an adult relationship, it takes two people to make things work. But in a familial relationship where an adult child never offers to help, despite their parents bending over backwards for them over the years, it indicates that they are quite selfish.
If a parent is always going out of their way to help their kids, and their kids can't even be bothered to come over and help with minor tasks, it can cause tension and even resentment. On one hand, a parent might feel guilty for feeling this way, as they likely think it's wrong to expect anything from their adult children.
But if a parent is sacrificing their own needs, at the bare minimum, their adult children can offer to help in return. In situations like this, it may lead to parents purposely distancing themselves from their children.
5. They use guilt to get what they want
fizkes | Shutterstock
Weaponizing guilt is one of the glaring signs of a selfishly transactional person who only reaches out to their parents when they need something. And there's something particularly twisted about adult children who act this way, as it's incredibly manipulative and cruel.
Maybe it's because they know just how awful feeling guilty is as, according to a study from the journal Emotion, guilt can lead to an increase in depression and anxiety, resulting in people engaging in self-punishing behaviors.
Yet despite this, selfish people continue to their advantage. It might work in the beginning depending on how they phrase things or what they bring up, but over time, parents may become fed up, growing tired of the same guilt-tripping tactics, leading to tension and potentially distancing themselves altogether.
6. They weaponize boundaries to avoid accountability
fizkes | Shutterstock
There's nothing wrong with creating boundaries in a relationship, especially between parents and their adult children. In fact, according to professor of counselor education Marvin G. Knittel Ed.D., everyone needs to have boundaries because "they dictate how we approach relationships with friends and acquaintances. Our boundaries help us live in tune with our desires, needs, and feelings."
Despite this, there are certain people who claim they're setting boundaries to avoid taking accountability for their actions. With a straight face, they say they don't want to talk about certain subjects because "that's just their boundaries."
However, if these subjects include their poor actions, it's not a matter of setting boundaries; rather, it's a matter of them simply not wanting to own up to the mistakes that they made. Either way, their lack of accountability is sure to devastate every relationship they find themselves in, including the one with their parents.
7. They only say 'I love you' when it benefits them
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock
Actions speak louder than words, but words can still make or break someone. Many kids forget that their parents spent many years loving, caring, and supporting them. Through sacrifices, parents did their best to ensure that their children lived happy and fulfilling lives.
But for many selfish adult children, this was the bare minimum and, as a result, their attitude towards treating their parents with love or respect has completely changed. Instead of admiring or loving their parents thanks to their sacrifices, they're manipulative and only express love when it benefits them.
Whether it's because they need money or want a free ride, they know just what to say to pull at their parents' heartstrings. According to professor and coach Preston Ni., "In a psychologically manipulative relationship, one person exploits another for selfish and unscrupulous gain."
As one can imagine, this can have devastating consequences. So, while parents might cave in at first, adult kids shouldn't expect this treatment forever. At some point, parents will catch on and eventually become keen to the manipulative tactics used against them.
8. They use their past against their parents
viDi Studio | Shutterstock
Nobody is a perfect parent. Depending on how young a parent was when they had a child or their level of maturity, some parents likely made a few too many mistakes that they regret. Still, a good parent always did their best to make up for these mistakes and ensure they weren't repeated.
But just because a parent did their best to make up for their errors, it doesn't mean their kids forgot. And in the case of a selfishly transactional person, they'll use these past mistakes against their parents when it's convenient for them.
Sure, they might have forgiven their parents a long time ago, but this hasn't stopped them from using it to their advantage. Whenever they need a favor, they're quick to throw the past in their parents' faces, expecting immediate obedience in return.
9. They prioritize their own needs
stockfour | Shutterstock
After years of growing up with parents who were selfless and sacrificed their desires and needs for their kids, they may hope for some form of thanks as their kids grow older. And while it's not an obligation, parents certainly appreciate their adult children prioritizing them.
Unfortunately, when selfish people are so consumed with their own lives, their parents' needs fall to the wayside. Parents certainly understand that life is busy and their kids have their own lives, but never coming over or refusing to be together, even on occasion, can make a parent feel disregarded and unimportant.
At first, parents may try their best to be understanding, but over time, if their selfish adult children continue to only think about themselves, it can cause a strain on their parent-child relationship.
10. They use the punishment-reward system to get what they desire
fizkes | Shutterstock
People aren't always going to get what they want in life. But certain people just don't know when to quit and will use this as a way to be cruel. As one of the signs of a selfishly transactional person who only reaches out to their parents when they need something, some adult children will effectively manipulate and control their parents to get what they want.
According to Miki Kashtan, PhD, co-founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication, "Punishment is always present at the other end of a demand. When I make a demand, its essential message is that the only thing that matters is that I get my way. If I don't, and I have the power to do so, I will punish you. If I do, I will reward you."
For instance, if an adult child needs a favor from their parents, rather than asking nicely or trying to reason with them, they will use a punishment-reward system. If their parents refuse to cave in, they will "revoke" love, ignore them, or threaten to cut off the relationship as a punishment. And if their parents agree, these selfish people will cozy up to their parents for the day as they unconsciously reward them for giving in.
11. They make promises they never fulfill
fizkes | Shutterstock
When a parent's child lies to them, it can make them feel incredibly betrayed. And, unfortunately, it can cause a rift in the relationship, especially when that lie is a broken promise. It might sound dramatic on the outside, as promises aren't always kept since life is unpredictable and can get in the way.
But when adult children go out of their way to not follow through on the promises they make to their parents, it creates distrust in the dynamic. And parents, at their wits end, might refuse to put up with their selfish attitude, completely cutting them off in the end.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
