Mom-To-Be Defends Her Disappointment With Finding Out The Gender Of Her Baby
She insisted that her initial disappointment doesn't mean she isn't excited to become a mom.
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock After a mom-to-be shared a video of her and her husband's small gender reveal with their family, she's now defending that choice after her reaction wasn't exactly happy. In a TikTok video, Ducci Lou Carter showed firsthand the truth about gender disappointment for expectant parents.
Carter insisted that she wanted to show that it's perfectly normal for mothers to feel a little bit sad during a gender reveal but that it doesn't mean she isn't grateful and excited to welcome her baby.
A mom defended sharing a video of her disappointed reaction to finding out the gender of her baby.
In Carter's original video, she and her husband were all smiles, standing in front of the cake that would reveal the gender of their baby. Standing behind the camera were some of their family members, who watched on in anticipation as Carter and her husband dug their glasses into the cake to reveal if the inside was blue or pink.
As Carter dug into the cake, it was revealed that she and her husband would be having a baby boy. Immediately after finding out the gender, Carter burst into tears, clearly overwhelmed once she realized that she wasn't going to be having a daughter like she'd hoped for. Her husband quickly comforted her, telling her it would be ok before quickly escorting her out of the room and telling their family that he needed a minute alone with her to help calm her down.
Gender disappointment is a common feeling among expectant parents and is nothing to be ashamed of.
The video quickly went viral, and for the most part, many people were extremely sympathetic toward Carter's reaction, even pointing out that compared to other parents-to-be, who throw actual tantrums and even destroy their gender reveal parties, Carter's reaction was rather tame.
The fact is, gender disappointment is a common and natural occurrence, especially if you've spent your entire pregnancy hoping for a specific gender, only for the reality to be the opposite. Combined with the overwhelming emotions of the moment and late pregnancy hormones, Carter's tears were nothing she should feel ashamed about.
As many as 1 in 5 women experience feelings of gender disappointment, but it doesn't mean that these women are upset at having a baby or won't love their baby when it gets here. Pregnancy and becoming a parent is already such an overwhelming journey, and women have to deal with their hormones changing in ways that probably never happened before. They deserve just a little bit of grace for moments like this.
According to Dr. Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist at UCSF and author, for most moms, the gender disappointment is fleeting. She told Today, “When a mom finds out she’s having the opposite gender desired, she starts telling herself little stories about why this gender is going to be a good thing. Like how, if they’re having a boy and they wanted a girl, they get to avoid the dreaded teenage years.” She went on to say, “It’s called active reframing, and it starts immediately. If there is any real disappointment, it often barely rises to the surface, and the woman doesn’t even realize it’s there.”
The mom admitted that after a few days, she felt excited about the prospect of having a baby boy.
"First things first, I want to say thank you to all the mamas who were so positive under the comments. You made my day. You made me feel validated," Carter explained in a follow-up video. "My husband also made me feel validated because when he pulled me in that room, he was explaining to me that it's normal what I'm feeling."
Carter recalled that her husband insisted that she give herself a few days to get excited, which she did, and after some time, she started to feel happy and excited about having a son. It also helped after she spoke to some professionals, who also helped her realize that these feelings of gender disappointment are common amongst women because they often find themselves fantasizing about a specific gender, and when it's the opposite, they're forced to grieve that fantasy.
In an interview with PEOPLE, Carter admitted that her mom and people around her were convinced that she would be having a girl. On top of that, she really wanted to see her husband become a girl dad. "I got lost in fantasizing about life with a baby girl," Carter told the publication. "When we got into the cake, it hit me, I'm having a son. I had to grieve all of the fantasizing that I did about having a daughter. I cried because I don't get to do the little, cutesy girl things with her."
She continued, "I just think about the way he is with me. He knew that I was feeling a lot of nerves and I was on edge, and I have expressed to him before that I was hoping for a girl. At that moment, I didn't realize how controversial my reaction was because of how my husband made me feel." Of course, Carter now feels more than ready for her son and just wants him to come into this world healthy.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
