6 Phrases People Use Often That Unintentionally Make Moms Feel Like Failures
Real moms don’t need to be superheroes. They just need to be human.
Phrases People Use Often That Make Moms Feel Like Failures Moms have it hard as it is, and there are certain phrases people use that can unintentionally make moms feel like failures despite all they do for their families. They are criticized for everything from being too permissive with their kids to being too strict. There really is no "winning" when it comes to outside judgment. Culturally, we've painted an idealized picture of what the perfect mother is, and it's untenable. Women are expected to balance work and home life effortlessly, all while looking good and being humble about it. The pressure to do it all and have it all while simultaneously being criticized for every decision you make can inevitably make moms feel like failures.
A songwriter by the name of Mariel Loveland addressed the societal pressure that mothers face, particularly when it comes to the expectations placed on them to balance everything perfectly, from raising children to maintaining their careers and taking care of themselves. In a recent TikTok, Loveland argued that "mothers are not allowed to be complete people" because the minute they show signs of strength or weakness, they get scrutinized for it. She went on to detail the phrases that moms hear regularly that make them feel like failures.
1. ‘You have ruined your life'
If mothers complain at all about parenting, people turn that into ‘you have ruined your life, and it’s your fault.’ This rhetoric makes moms feel guilty for wanting personal time or a break, reinforcing the idea that they’re expected to put everyone else first all the time. It suggests that a mom’s individual needs and well-being don’t matter as much as her child’s needs.
In reality, being a parent is a job, and there isn't one person who can honestly say they haven't complained about their job before. If work-life balance is crucial for an employee's well-being, then it's crucial for a parent as well. Taking time for self-care isn't something to be ashamed of. It's good parenting.
“People often view boundary setting as selfish, but it can help parents have more energy for themselves and their children,” said David Schwartz, LMFT. Parenting can sometimes feel chaotic, and moms can easily become overwhelmed by juggling responsibilities. Self-care offers a sense of control, helping moms reclaim their time and give them the fortitude to be the best version of themselves for their kids.
2. 'You're not being a good friend'
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The transition into parenthood is huge, and it often comes with a massive shift in priorities and time commitments. It can make a new mom feel guilty for not having the same amount of time for their friends, even though it’s completely normal. This comment can make them feel like they’re failing their friendships, even though they’re adjusting to a completely new and demanding role as a parent.
Good friends will never criticize a mom who is too tired to join in on a brunch date or can't afford a sitter so they can attend a wedding. Instead, good friends would offer to be part of the village, lending support and a shoulder to cry on or a welcomed distraction.
3. 'How can anyone have kids in the state of the world?'
Many people fear the impact that climate change will have on future generations. They worry about the world their children will inherit, including the possibility of extreme weather events, resource shortages, and economic instability. "Climate change anxiety is changing people’s minds about having kids and family size," said Susan Newman, Ph.D.
This pessimistic view of the future can make a woman feel like a failure simply because she wants to be a mother. It shifts the focus away from the potential joy, love, and fulfillment that comes with raising a child and instead focuses solely on the negative aspects of the world. It can make the decision feel like a burden rather than a positive choice. Becoming a parent is a choice, and it's one that no one else should have a say in but the parents.
4. 'You're asking for too much'
Kids are a financial drain, no matter what. Financial constraints should never be a hurdle to motherhood. Essentially, that's saying only the rich can have kids. The criticism should not be placed on the parent. The criticism should be placed on the failures of government to properly support growing families with childcare subsidies, tax exemptions, and functional support services.
5. 'We need more child-free places'
Complaining about 'annoying' children being in public spaces reduces children to a nuisance rather than recognizing them as valuable members of society. It implies that children have no place in the world outside the home, which is not only unfair but also unrealistic. Women are then criticized when a child acts like a child in public, which inevitably forces them to forego life outside the home.
Children learn how to behave through experience and observation. Being out in restaurants, parks, and supermarkets is integral to their development. A crying child on an airplane isn't the end of the world. Instead of being judgmental, imagine how the mom feels for a moment.
James C. Kaufman, Ph.D., wrote, “We are often strikingly mean and insensitive to parents with small children in public spaces.” The idea that children should be excluded from public spaces is exclusionary and discriminatory. Public spaces are meant for everyone, and children deserve to be in places where they can learn, socialize, and explore.
6. 'Don't you have any aspirations aside from being a mom?'
A mom who expresses her love for being a parent is framed as a "person with no goals, no motivation, no skills, or desires." This suggests that motherhood comes with the end of personal freedom and fulfillment. It's viewed as a loss rather than a choice. It suggests that having kids means you’ll lose all the things that make you happy, such as pursuing personal passions or focusing on your career.
Some moms choose to stay home, some don’t have the option, and others do both. A mom who chooses or needs to stay home should not be undervalued for her choices. Placing a higher value on work that is paid is an outdated and misogynistic view. Let's be real: If moms were paid, they would earn a whole lot more than the average person.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
