11 Phrases Overly Defensive People Use Often, According To Psychology
Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, these individuals will utilize one of these phrases to avoid growth.
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock No one enjoys being criticized or called out for something they've done. It can make people feel ashamed, misunderstood, or attacked when criticisms come from people who not only care about them but also want them to change. While defensiveness is a natural response to being put on the spot, having that reaction constantly and for every little thing can become exhausting for the individual and those in their life.
The phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology, are meant to deflect accountability and make it seem as if the conflict at hand is the other person's problem and not something that should be worked out between all parties. They would rather bury their head in the sand and put on a victim complex than actually work on their conflict resolution.
Here are 11 phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology
1. 'I'm not being defensive, but...'
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This phrase is a classically ironic sign that someone is being defensive straight out the gate. They may use this phrase often as a way to avoid appearing defensive, but in reality, it signals the complete opposite. By insisting instead of actively listening and trying to keep the conversation open and honest, they're shutting it down by refusing to acknowledge what they're actually being, which is defensive.
"Defensive individuals often have control and power issues, and perceive anyone confronting them or holding them accountable as a threat. They are uncomfortable with feelings in general and managing their own," explained licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers, PsyD. "They can be highly impulsive and quick in their emotional reactions, without pausing to think things through in a balanced way."
2. 'You're just misunderstanding me'
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"You're just misunderstanding me" is one of the phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology. While there are definitely instances where you could be in a social setting and your words or actions aren't being taken how you meant for them to be taken, when an individual is using this phrase, they would rather act immaturely and dismiss the other person's feelings instead of trying to clarify their points.
It can be quite a challenging feat to be misunderstood in the first place, especially by those who are close to you.
"The problem with being misunderstood is not simply that we are not as others perceive us. It is also that, for some reason, they only see that part of us and not the whole. The parts of us that others see as the whole of us threaten those others. They're seen as 'too over the top' as they threaten the status quo," explained Srini Pillay MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
3. 'Why are you making such a big deal out of this?'
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When an overly defensive individual uses this phrase, they try to focus solely on the other person's reactions to their actions instead of engaging with the issue at hand and taking the necessary steps to resolve it. They would rather point the finger at the other person's feelings and make them feel as if they're acting irrationally, when their reaction should be acknowledged as a response to the conflict.
"[When] someone blames you and ignores their own part in a problem, consider the possibility that the behavior is a defense mechanism," insisted psychology expert Arash Emamzadeh.
"Specifically, it may be a defense mechanism aimed at protecting the blame-shifter's fragile ego from being overwhelmed with negative emotions such as guilt and shame. Simply put, the finger-pointing comes from a place of high vulnerability."
4. 'I guess I'm just a terrible person then'
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This phrase is a prime example of an overly defensive person attempting to flip the script on their behavior and make themselves feel like the victim. A study from Personality and Individual Differences suggested that the victim mentality is actually a personality trait called the "Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV)."
By using this phrase, these individuals are hoping that it will deflect from their actions and cause everyone around them to feel bad for them and, in turn, apologize and allow them to not have to explain their actions. They're attempting to evoke sympathy, but the problem is this ends up shifting the blame and gets rid of the opportunity to have an actual productive conversation to get to the root of the problem.
5. 'That's just the way I am'
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One of the phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology, is "That's just the way I am," in which they're not only attempting to avoid accountability, but they're insisting that there's no way they can change their behavior or grow from their mistakes. By resisting change, they're not allowing themselves the journey of being able to improve and evolve into a better person.
While that can be scary at first, it has an immense amount of benefits, because no one person can or should stay the same for their entire life. It's physically impossible, and the more you resist that change, the harder you're making the process.
"Growing pains can feel good when you lean into them and embrace them. Feel the burn of change and enjoy making progress, taking action toward your values, and learning from your mistakes. It will only make you stronger," explained clinical psychologist Diana Hill, PhD.
6. 'Well, you do the same thing'
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When an overly defensive person uses this phrase, they're not only trying to deflect responsibility, but they're redirecting the focus onto the other person and trying to point out that they have the same "flaws" as them. By pointing the finger at the other person in the room, they hope it will make everyone else aware of their behavior instead of theirs, even if there's nothing wrong with how the other person is acting.
"Deflection is about protecting one's self-image instead of taking responsibility. If one feels guilty or inadequate about something they did, deflection pushes that feeling away by shifting the focus onto something else," explained Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.
7. 'I was just joking'
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A joke is only a joke if it's funny and other people find it humorous. You simply can't pass something off that's either hurt someone's feelings or caused tension as being a "joke" because you aren't happy with the reactions of others.
Overly defensive individuals sometimes have a habit of trying to brush everything under the rug as banter and humor instead of apologizing or acknowledging. If used repeatedly, it could end up making others feel as if their emotions aren't being validated or taken seriously.
The problem is that what one person may have intended to be humorous may not have come across like that, and it's mature of that individual to simply apologize and help mend the situation.
8. 'Fine, whatever'
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To avoid having to answer to conflict, overly defensive people may be incredibly dismissive of their actions and completely turn off. They might feel uncomfortable to have the spotlight focused on them, so instead of addressing the tension, they would rather shut down the conversation entirely.
The problem with this is that it doesn't allow them the chance to work through their problems and gain some helpful insights that can help them grow in the long run. Saying "fine, whatever" simply pushes the problem to the side, not actually solving anything in the process.
9. 'I don't have to explain myself to you'
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"I don't have to explain myself to you" is one of the phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology. They may use this phrase as a way to assert control over a situation and insist that they don't need to explain their actions to another person, even if those actions have directly affected them.
They're attempting to halt any further discussion while also protecting themselves because, to them, having to explain their actions means having to be vulnerable. At the end of the day, using this phrase can end up eroding the relationships these individuals have in their lives because forming a genuine connection with someone means not only admitting when you're wrong but also having a willingness to talk about it.
10. 'You're too sensitive'
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Not only is this a classic gaslighting tactic to avoid having to take accountability for hurting someone else's feelings, but overly defensive people have a habit of validating and dismissing because it means not having to look inward at themselves. Instead of addressing the impact their words can have on another individual, they'd rather continue to have their control.
According to author Sophia Dembling, "'You're too sensitive' is what people say when they've said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven't."
She continued, "Maybe you are 'too sensitive.' Maybe you do overreact sometimes. But the people who love you understand this, honor it as best they can, and give you room to have your feelings and work them out — alone or together with them, as necessary. If someone ignores or shames you for your reactions, that person might be capable of gaslighting you."
There's nothing inherently wrong with being sensitive, and frankly, there's no such thing as being "too sensitive" either. If something hurts your feelings, you have a right to express your emotions about it.
11. 'I can't believe you think that about me'
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Overly defensive people take things personally, or think something is an attack against their character when, in reality, someone is just trying to point out something they've done that wasn't taken in the manner they meant it in. It doesn't mean they're a bad person or they have nefarious actions, but "I can't believe you think that about me" is one of the phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology.
By using this phrase, these individuals are attempting to play the victim by acting hurt or offended. This phrase can end up being incredibly frustrating for the person receiving it because it invalidates their concern and discourages an honest conversation from happening.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
