Parents With These 11 Good Habits Usually Stay Very Close To Their Adult Kids
When children grow up and leave home, parents can maintain a close bond with a few great habits.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Every relationship goes through periods of transformation, even within families. As kids grow, what they need from their parents changes. When they're younger, they need their parents to set rules and guide their decisions. By the time they're teenagers, they need their parents to take a step back and support their autonomy, even when they make decisions their parents don't agree with.
It's not always easy for parents to acknowledge that their adult kids are, in fact, adults. It's valid to grieve the way things once were, yet it's equally important to adapt and accept that their kids have their own lives. And parents with these good habits usually stay very close to their adult kids. Because supportive parents know that the best way to take care of their adult children is to step back and walk alongside them.
Parents with these 11 good habits usually stay very close to their adult kids
1. They're willing to compromise
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Parents who are open to compromising usually stay very close to their adult kids. They don't expect their kids to be perfect, and they acknowledge their own imperfections as well. They know that conflict is part of loving someone, but they still always try to find common ground.
Parents who want to stay close to their adult kids can't force them to be anyone else but themselves. The more flexible parents are, the more their kids will welcome them into their lives.
When parents meet their kids exactly where they're at, they give their kids the gift of acceptance, and they give themselves the gift of understanding their kids on a deeper level.
2. They allow their kids to make mistakes
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Parents who understand that they can't fix their children's lives usually stay very close to their adult kids. Watching their kids stumble without stepping in to make everything better is one of the hardest things parents go through. No matter how old their kids are, parents still want to protect them from harm.
According to the Newport Institute, giving adult kids space is a good habit for parents to get into, especially if they want to keep their connection strong. Letting adult kids make their own mistakes is part of teaching them how to take care of themselves. As the Newport Institute pointed out, "When you rush in with solutions at the drop of a hat, you don't allow your adult children to be adults."
Parents who rescue their adult kids from every bump in the road might have good intentions, but they wind up standing in the way of their independence.
"Rather than attempt to fix every problem, ask good questions instead," the Newport Institute advised. "Allow your grown kids to come up with their own solutions, even if they're not necessarily ones you would choose. There's value in learning from mistakes."
3. They manage their expectations
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Parents who manage their expectations usually stay close to their adult kids. They recognize that they're not the center of their adult kids' world, and they don't take it personally when they don't call for weeks at a time. They express how much they want to stay in touch, but they don't pressure their kids to answer every single text they send.
By managing their expectations, parents balance being supportive with respecting the boundaries their adult kids set. They let their kids know that they'll always be here for them, and then, they let their kids set the pace.
"As things evolve into an adult-to-adult relationship, the parent will need to let go of control, and show respect for their child's autonomy," therapist Jordanne Sculler shared. "Adult children still need guidance and a sense of security, but in a way that honors their independence and personal growth."
Parents who have healthy relationships with their adult kids don't expect their kids to meet their every need. They don't expect their kids to keep them happy. They want their kids to feel fulfilled, which is why they give them the freedom to make their own decisions, instead of expecting their adult kids to follow in their footsteps.
4. They offer unconditional emotional support
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In their younger years, kids need their parents' comfort in a very tangible way. They need their parents to wipe away their tears and kiss their scraped knees. They need their parents to be their caretakers, but as they grow up, the kind of emotional support they need changes.
"Emerging adults need a different kind of closeness than when they were young," explained Elizabeth Fishel and Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, authors of the book, "When Will My Grown Up Kid Grow Up?"
"They need emotional support that helps boost, not stifle, their confidence in their own coping skills," the authors shared. "They need parents to bear witness to their increasing capacity to take on responsibilities, even if there are setbacks or mishaps along the way."
Parents can stay present for their adult kids by validating their experiences and their emotions, even when they disagree with the decisions they've made. They can express disappointment while holding space for their adult kids' capacity to choose what they want their lives to look like.
5. They trust their kids' judgment
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Parents with the good habit of trusting their child's judgment usually stay very close to their adult kids. Parents understand that launching their kids into adulthood is full of triumphs along with a fair amount of setbacks. For every job interview they land, they'll have to learn how to handle rejection. Every romance will carry heartache, and every opportunity they're given will mean taking responsibility for their own lives.
As therapist Lynn Wonders pointed out, "There will be a day when you get an emotional call from your young adult kid." As much as they might want to tell their adult kids exactly what to do, parents have to trust their kids' judgment if they want to stay close to them. "Sink into compassionate listening mode but don't jump to rushing in to solve and rescue," Wonders advised.
Wonders affirmed how hard it is for parents to watch their kids leave the nest and spread their wings, and suggested that parents be gentle with themselves as they go, noting that "This is a learning curve and a time of transition for you as much as it is for your young adult child. You've got a new role and it's going to take some getting used to."
6. They give their kids space
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It seems counterintuitive, but parents who give their adult kids space usually stay very close to them. Kids of all ages want to feel like they're in charge of their own lives. When they're teenagers, that might mean yelling at their parents to get out of their room and never speak to them again. By the time they're adults, they know how to regulate their emotions, but they still need their parents to respect their space.
Licensed psychologist Sharon Martin pointed out that interactions between parents and their adult kids have to be based on a sense of mutual respect, and not forced obligation. When parents engage with their adult kids, "it's essential to respect their autonomy and boundaries."
"This includes recognizing that they have the right to make their own decisions, set limits on how much they share, and choose how often they interact," Martin explained. Adult kids don't set boundaries to be selfish or rude. They set boundaries to take care of themselves, as an act of self-love.
7. They avoid giving unsolicited advice
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If there's one common theme that runs through every parents' experience, it's their well-meaning impulse to give their kids advice on how to be a successful adult. Yet adult kids don't always want their parents' advice. Sometimes, they just want them to listen. Parents don't always have to offer their adult kids' solutions, their love and support is enough to help them make it through hard times.
According to a survey from Pew Research Center, 43% of parents reported that their adult kids often ask for career advice. A smaller percentage of adult kids ask financial advice, relationship advice, and advice for parenting their own kids. Most parents felt positive about their connection to their adult kids, with 67% reporting that they were satisfied with their level of involvement.
When adult kids want to know what their parents think, they'll ask. They're way more likely to follow their parents' advice when they explicitly seek it out, instead of feeling like it's being forced onto them.
8. They create new traditions
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As much as parents want to recreate holiday magic every year, they have to understand that their adult kids won't always make it home for the holidays. As kids grow up, their attention won't always be focused on the life they share with their parents. If they're lucky, they'll find someone to love, who loves them back, and their focus will shift over to the future they're creating together.
Parents have to accept that their kids might move across the country when they grow up. They might spend holidays with their in-laws or with their own kids. Those changes don't erase the love they have for their parents, it just means that it's time to make new traditions.
They can open presents over FaceTime on Christmas morning or share a toast at midnight on New Year's Eve. Parents and their adult kids can find new ways to show up for each other that hold just as much meaning as the things they did years ago.
9. They accept their kids as adults
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Accepting their adult kids for who they are is one of the more challenging ways for a parent to practice radical acceptance, but it's a good habit for them to have. As sad as parents might feel to watch their kids get older, staying stuck in the past holds them back from a new, exciting phase of their relationship.
The more accepting parents are, the closer they usually stay with their adult kids. According to research from the book "When Will My Grown-Up Kid Grow Up?" 75% of parents have better relationships with their adult kids than they did during their kids' teenage years. Those parents shared that "the friendship that emerges along with the adult" was the best part of watching their kids grow up.
When parents accept who their kids have become, they get a chance to learn who they are in a whole new light. They get to meet their adult kids as an equal and a friend, which is a true gift of being a parent.
10. They focus on the present
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When parents dwell on the past, they rob themselves of the chance to be with their adult kids in the present moment. As common as it is for parents to have regrets, they can't get stuck in them, or they'll miss out on everything the future holds. Being mindful is a good habit for parents to have, as it keeps them grounded and helps them stay close to their adult kids.
According to psychologist Sarah Conway, parenting in a mindful way helps people maintain their connection to their kids at every age. "If you are guided by your relationship and your connection with your child when you parent them... this will produce the best outcome for your child," she explained.
"Mindful parenting is not about perfection," Conway revealed. "A mindful parent is not mindful all the time. They make mistakes and they forgive themselves for those mistakes. They treat themselves with compassion and kindness, and in the process, teach their children how to show compassion for themselves and others."
Staying present isn't about doing everything right in front of their adult kids, it's about parents having the ability to give themselves grace. It's about modeling what real love looks like.
11. They remind their kids how loved they are
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For most parents, the key part of staying close to their adult kids is reminding them how loved they are. Kids always need their parents to be emotionally available, even if the way they show affection is different. Adult kids don't need their parents to hold their hands or hug them goodnight, but they do need to know their parents will always be there, no matter what.
Being affectionate strengthens the connection kids have with their parents. It increases their likelihood of having a secure attachment style, which helps them have strong, loving relationships throughout their lives.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.