11 Phrases Parents Say That Are Often Deeply Offensive To Their Adult Kids

While many of the struggles adult children face as a result of their childhood experiences later in life have to do with alienation and unmet needs growing up, according to a study from journal Children, the relationship they cultivate with their parents into adulthood can have an equally influential impact on their general well-being and happiness. From the frequency of conversations, to respectful boundaries, and the ability to cope with the natural disconnect that follows in adulthood, these parent-child relationships are powerful — in positive and negative ways.

Of course, in passing conversations and brief interactions, there are certain phrases parents say that are often deeply offensive to their adult kids, even if they're not aware of it. By recognizing these patterns of behavior and this specific language, both parties have a chance to reset expectations in this relationship, finding a more respectful, intentional, and thoughtful balance for everyone to feel heard and important.

Here are 11 phrases parents say that are often deeply offensive to their adult kids

1. 'When are you going to settle down?'

mother arguing with her adult daughter about her future fizkes | Shutterstock

Many adult children already feel an overwhelming pressure to "settle down," get married, and have children from a larger societal lens, so when they're also experiencing it at home from parents and family members, it can lead to resentful feelings and frustration.

While the majority of parents think fondly of their adult children's lives, accomplishments, and well-being, according to a Pew Research Center study, it's still possible for them to subconsciously add pressure and anxiety to their lives by subtly pressuring them into traditional expectations.

Despite their parents' generally positive perceptions of their lives and success, many adult children feel like they can never "be enough" to their parents, as they constantly hyper-focus on what's missing from their lives, the next step, or comparing them to other people at the same age.

2. 'You need to grow up'

mother scolding adult daughter to grow up ViDI Studio | Shutterstock

According to research from the Journal of Humanistic Psychology, feeling heard and valued in relationships and passing conversations is incredibly important, especially for parents and adult children who are already navigating an uncomfortable period of disconnection and change in their routines.

Like many of the other phrases parents say that are often deeply offensive to their adult kids, this one can sabotage those important feelings — undermining the practice of open, honest, and thoughtful communication.

Respect is a two-way street. It's important that adult children are empathetic to the discomfort and anxiety their parents may be experiencing, but still advocate in setting boundaries and communicating when phrases like this are offensive to them.

Every adult, especially in today's world, takes their own path to security, freedom, comfort, and happiness. Even if it doesn't line up with what their parents did at the same age, it's important that they still feel supported and loved for making life decisions that serve in their best interest.

3. 'You have it so much better than I did'

older woman arguing with adult child on the phone Raushan_films | Shutterstock

Many parents feel obligated to protect their children, even into adulthood, but that doesn't give them the right to share unsolicited advice, overstep their kids' boundaries, or compare them to a world that no longer exists. Many adult children's parents today grew up in a world that no longer exists — from the job market, to the security of traditional education paths, to starting families, nothing is the same as it was.

So, yes, parents often do have a lot of advice, wisdom, and knowledge to share, but using phrases like this to compare their own situation with their kids' is not only invalidating and dismissive of their current experiences and struggles, it's offensive.

4. 'You're being so dramatic'

mother turned away from dramatic daughter fizkes | Shutterstock

There's no such thing as "overreacting" — you handle your emotions, communicate your needs, and set boundaries in a way that makes sense for you. Even if adult children handle those situations in ways their parents may not, that doesn't make them any less deserving of space and support.

However, many parents use phrases like "you're being dramatic" or "you're overreacting" that invalidate their kids' emotions and urge them to disconnect. If they're not feeling heard, especially when discussing their opinions and needs, what's the point in continuing to invest time and energy into a relationship?

It's often uncomfortable and awkward to open yourself up to vulnerable conversations, but by steering clear of the phrases parents say that are often deeply offensive to their adult kids, everyone can feed into healthier, more fulfilling, and supportive relationships.

5. 'You never make time for us anymore'

lonely older woman waiting for someone to call Fast-stock | Shutterstock

Rather than expressing their needs and communicating honestly with their kids, many adult children rely on blame-shifting behaviors and guilt-tripping to get their kids to spend more time with them.

Of course, phrases like this aren't always inherently malicious, they're often driven by a parent's anxiety and discomfort with natural disconnect. But they can be perceived in negative ways by adult kids living their own lives and crafting their new routine.

In some cases, according to licensed psychologist Lynn Margolies PhD, parents who rely on guilt-tripping phrases like this lack self-awareness, feeling overwhelmed and confused by their intense emotions and using conversations with their kids as a way to cope.

6. 'You have no idea how the world works'

upset father scolding teenage son about the world Motortion Films | Shutterstock

According to a 2015 study on parental estrangement, many adult children make the decision to cut ties with their parents based on their toxic behavior and conversations, rather than one specific experience or traumatic moment.

It's a culmination of feeling consistently unheard, unsupported, and dismissed in conversations that sparks resentment and disconnect — largely fueled by phrases like this that undermine an adult child's autonomy and independence.

From talking about politics, to debating parenting styles, and even setting boundaries, parents have the power to support their adult children — and vice versa — even when they don't agree. You can support someone's emotions and make space for their opinions without belittling or condemning them at the same time.

7. 'You'll understand when you're older'

annoyed older father turned away from son fizkes | Shutterstock

There's many examples, including this specific phrase, of the phrases parents say that are often deeply offensive to their adult kids. According to experts at Sunshine City Counseling, it's dismissive language that can sabotage relationships and healthy connections.

Rather than supporting their kids through current struggles, making space for their opinions, or hearing them out when they don't agree on something, some parents use phrases like this that unknowingly push their kids even further away.

While many parents may still view their children as just that — children — it's important that they recognize the autonomy, independence, and intellect they've garnered in adulthood. Not only do they have the power to make decisions in their best interests, they should feel empowered in speaking their mind, advocating for themselves, and setting boundaries, even in ways their parents wouldn't have done at the same age.

8. 'That's not a real job'

upset woman talking on the phone with disapproving parent MAYA LAB | Shutterstock

Especially in today's world, characterized by change, the new digital landscape, and shifting social and professional norms, it's not uncommon for adult children to make a living in industries their parents never experienced.

However, that doesn't make these career ventures or life choices any less valid, especially if they're made in an adult child's best interest. Whether fueled by fear or misunderstanding, many parents subtly offend their kids with phrases like this, dismissing their struggles and invalidating their work.

Of course, nobody teaches you how to navigate a parent-child relationship into adulthood — it's often a game of trial-and-error, where both parties need to feel empowered and supported enough to express their needs and show up for the other. By opting to use supportive and thoughtful language over phrases like this, parents can show up for their children, even if they don't agree with their life choices and decisions.

9. 'You never take my advice'

offended woman turned away from older mother Amnaj Khetsamtip | Shutterstock

Licensed marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein argues that unsolicited advice-giving is one of the common ways parents subconsciously sabotage their conversations with adult children.

Despite being largely offered with great intentions — hoping to "solve" their children's struggles and issues — oftentimes, these conversations are sparked by adult children's desire to feel supported, heard, and actively listened to.

Rather than using a phrase like "here's my advice" or "if you just did this, it'd be better," adult children want to hear supportive language from their parents like "I have confidence you'll figure this out" or "that sounds difficult, I'm sorry you're dealing with that."

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10. 'I sacrificed so much for you'

irritated older woman talking to adult child on speakerphone fizkes | Shutterstock

One of the phrases parents say that are often deeply offensive to their adult kids is "I sacrificed so much for you," which can push adult children away from their parents, urging kids to feel a sense of obligation towards their parents for giving them affection, supporting them, or providing them with the bare minimum growing up.

According to research from Psychology and Aging, the resentment and tension that often fuels "no-contact" orders in parent-child relationships can be sparked with phrases like this, encouraging adult children to separate themselves from the transactional nature of this relationship.

Great parents who cultivate healthy relationships with their adult children teach their kids to be grateful, but they never hold their affection over the other's head, hoping to get the attention, time, and effort they need in response.

11. 'If you really loved me, you'd do this for me'

manipulative woman turned away from older man Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock

According to Epstein, guilt-tripping is a common response in parents coping with their fear, anger, and discomfort, often as a result of the natural disconnect that's sparked by adult children growing up and moving out of their home.

While phrases like this may be clearly manipulative on paper, they're often thrown around in casual conversations at home, offending and dismissing adult children's well-being.

Of course, it's important to communicate these feelings of discomfort in any kind of relationship, but the way in which adult children and parents support and listen to each other in these conversations is important. It shouldn't be a "blame game" trying to urge the other to spend more time with you — it should be an honest and open conversation about your needs.

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.