11 Subtle Signs Of A Woman Who Has Been Misunderstood Her Whole Life, According To Research
It's not only emotionally taxing, but disillusioning to be constantly subjected to other people's misguided perceptions of you.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock The experience of feeling consistently unheard and misunderstood by the people in our lives is incredibly complex. In addition to being subjected to other people's misguided perceptions, people who are misunderstood are often held to a version of themselves that's "a part" and not "a whole," according to psychiatrist Srini Pillay. Especially when those "parts" are a reflection of other people's fears and insecurities, it's not surprising that irritability and frustration seem like the foundation of a misunderstood person's reality.
Many of the subtle signs of a woman who has been misunderstood her whole life, according to research, revolve around a sense of disillusionment — the person they are, that they view themselves as, is constantly at odds with how other people perceive them. Whether it's communicating their needs, expressing their emotions, or setting boundaries, they're forced to confront this misguided perception, compensating for other people's fears, discomfort, and anxiety in emotionally taxing ways.
Here are 11 subtle signs of a woman who has been misunderstood her whole life, according to research
1. She over-explains herself
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Outside the realm of interpersonal and social connections, experts like author Dr. M. Gay Hubbard argue that women tend to be vastly misunderstood in a societal context, always held to both blatant and subconscious gendered beliefs and norms.
Rather than feeling comfortable expressing their opinions, emotions, and needs without reservation, they're held to toxic beliefs like "maintaining a quiet and agreeable persona" or taking a backseat in high-stress situations, at odds with their personal traits and beliefs.
However, these societal norms often seep into their daily interactions, as a result of their own ingrained patriarchal beliefs and those of their peers. Constantly coping with feelings misunderstood and unheard — whether from a personal lens, unable to verbalize their true needs, or by others — they tend to over-explain.
Seeking the feelings of support and understanding that are hallmarks of a healthy connection, misunderstood women try to comfort others by over-explaining themselves. It's a defense mechanism, built up over years of unintentionally offending people, sparking judgment, and being met with criticism for other people's perceptions of her character and personality.
2. She isolates herself from people that make her feel unheard
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Like counselor Shala Nicely argues, feeling seen is an innately human need. When it's not met in our relationships and interactions, we often adopt anger, shame, and frustration that are equally complex to regulate and acknowledge.
Coping with these emotions looks different for everyone, but for misunderstood women who struggle to find real support and vulnerability in conversations with others, it makes the most sense to self-isolate and avoid social interactions.
Rather than continue to beg for the attention and closeness they yearn for from others, they isolate themselves, using their alone time to pursue mindful creative endeavors or reflect on their interactions.
Of course, being misunderstood isn't always about not knowing yourself, although experiencing a lack of understanding in social interactions can plague self-esteem; it's more a reflection of other people's internal shame, anxiety, and fears.
3. She's sensitive to criticism
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Many people grow relationally disconnected from people who tend to criticize them, according to a PLOS One study. But for misunderstood people — who already harbor a sense of natural disconnect in social relationships and interactions — they can feel especially sensitive to this uncomfortable experience.
Especially considering many misunderstood people are judged or criticized for only "a part" of their misguidedly perceived identity, coming to terms with other people's judgement can be disillusioning. Not only do they not view themselves in the same way other people do, causing a sense of consistent internal turmoil, they often don't agree with the perception of themselves in social interactions.
Like many of the other subtle signs of a woman who has been misunderstood her whole life, according to research, being sensitive to criticism and overly intentionally about avoiding situations where there's a potential to be judged often leads to social isolation and people-pleasing behaviors that sabotage self-confidence.
4. She avoids conflict
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Considering high-stress situations and emotional conversations often bring up a lot of complex emotions that require understanding and mutual respect to unpack, it's not surprising that many women who feel consistently misunderstood steer clear of conflict.
Not only do they feel unsure of how to verbalize their emotions and needs in a way that's palatable or easy to understand for others, they've been encouraged to adopt low self-esteem over time, making it harder to not resort to anxiety or fear when there's an argument or issue.
According to psychologist Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD, avoiding conflict is a form of people-pleasing behavior that often occurs in perpetually misunderstood people struggling with a deep-rooted fear of offending or hurting others. Rather than continuing to face someone's misguided perceptions of them and their needs, they often find themselves steering clear of conflict and vulnerable conversations.
5. She channels her emotions into hobbies or creative endeavors
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According to therapist Jennifer De Franciso, research suggests there's a link between neuroticism and creativity. Not only do people who have consistently struggled with negative emotions or trauma have the capacity to be more imaginative, they often rely on creative endeavors, hobbies, and pursuits to express themselves.
Specifically for people that are consistently misjudged, criticized, and misunderstood by others, relying on creative hobbies and art to cultivate feelings of understanding and comfort can be beneficial.
They seek out avenues — like painting or making a piece of art — that allow them to connect inward, regulating their emotions, reflecting on their interactions, and learning about themselves in a way they've struggled to in social interactions.
6. She's overly generous
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While experts like psychoanalyst Salman Akhtar suggest that there are potentially problematic tendencies that can result in a person who's overly generous, many of the misunderstood women who rely on giving back are going so to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy or misconception.
Rather than continuously trying to explain and beg for the attention they desire, they offer it to others, yearning to give the support to others that they're not getting themselves.
This natural inclination to help others can become problematic when it's perceived as "attention-seeking" by others or starts to overtake their ability to meet their own needs, but in large, it's simply one of the subtle signs of a woman who has been misunderstood her whole life, according to research experts, and is hoping to ensure nobody else has to feel the same pain.
7. She downplays her accomplishments
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While it's possible to build self-esteem and nurture a positive sense of self-worth by yourself and in your alone time, being misunderstood and feeling unaccepted in social interactions can negatively contribute to that internal baseline.
One of the subtle signs of a woman who has been misunderstood her whole life is her tendency to downplay her accomplishments, operating from a place of low self-esteem that encourages her to believe she's not worthy of space and praise in conversations.
Afraid of being misguidedly judged — viewed as "attention-seeking" or in pursuit of external validation — she prefers to keep her success and achievements to herself, alongside her vulnerability and emotional expression.
8. She makes an effort to interact with and smile at strangers
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The painfully uncomfortable experience of not feeling seen and valued often encourages misunderstood people to go out of their way to help others. While lending a helping hand and offering advice are ways for them to compensate for their lack of support, they're also willing to interact with and encourage strangers.
They yearn at the sense of true connection, where they can actively listen to someone and also feel genuinely understood by the other. Sometimes, this looks like being intentional about eye contact when someone's speaking. Other times, it's as simple as smiling at them on the street or opening up their body language to feel more welcoming and comfortable.
While everyone deserves to harness the feeling of being understood in a social interaction and relationship, misunderstood people often find ways to build community and spark fulfilling emotions and self-worth in themselves by spreading positivity with strangers. Like a study from PNAS suggests, talking to strangers — despite being sort of taboo — has the power to spark more positivity and happiness in the people who prioritize it.
9. She gets defensive quickly
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Defensiveness is often a side effect of low self-esteem, trauma, and fears of rejection, according to researchers from Flinders University. Considering misunderstood women seem to struggle with all three of those precursors simultaneously, it's not surprising that their quick response to irritability or over-explaining themselves amid conflict is one of the subtle signs they're yearning to be understood.
It's emotionally taxing to be misunderstood and judged on a character that's not a true reflection of who you are on the inside. When arguments and conflict come up, they're likely already battling that exhaustion, making it easier to default to anger or defensiveness.
10. She views mistakes as failure
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Considering many women who have spent their lives feeling understood operate from a place of inadequacy — believing their struggles are a result of their own lacking communication skills or social charisma — it's not surprising that they also hold themselves to unrealistic expectations and standards.
The low self-esteem that they adopted from a young age, which can manifest in a number of traits and behaviors later in life, encourages them to let their inner critic shine. When they make a mistake or don't meet their unrealistic expectations, they view it as a failure, feeding into a toxic spiral of shame and low self-worth.
Even in passing conversations, feeling casually misunderstood by others can be a trigger for these toxic behaviors rooted in low self-esteem, urging them to isolate, grow emotionally detached, or immediately resort to anger and frustration.
11. She yearns for community
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Many of the misunderstood women who have spent their lives yearning for positive attention, shared experience, and genuine connection also yearn for consistent and secure community.
While the manifestations of this yearning look different for everyone — like always being the one to make plans with friends or trying out new hobbies and niche group activities — it's one of the common subtle signs of a woman who has been misunderstood her whole life.
Coupled with the fact that many young women no longer have accessible third spaces to indulge in, it's not surprising that this need for community is becoming more prevalent. They're tired of having to explain themselves, overcome misguided perceptions of their identities, and appeal to people that don't value them in conversations. They want the stability of a community that not only shares interests, but always shows up and appreciates their presence.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.