Mom Asks How To Deal With Her Kids’ Misbehaved Friends Without Offending Their ‘Gentle Parents’
This isn't "gentle parenting" — it's permissive, negligent parenting, and no one's required to put up with it.
fizkes | Shutterstock At this point, misunderstandings of what so-called gentle parenting actually is have basically eclipsed the method entirely. Somewhere along the line, the point of the method got lost and there's an entire legion of parents who think it means just letting their kids do whatever they like without consequences.
One mom online is dealing with the repercussions of this, and it's left her feeling not only furious, but unsure of how to respond.
The mom asked how to deal with 'gentle parented' kids' misbehavior during playdates.
In case you're new to this, or have formed your entire perceptions of gentle parenting based on social media content, it's an approach to child-rearing that focuses on setting boundaries with kids and enforcing them with gentle redirection, rather than punishment or yelling.
This better aligns with both a child's stage of brain development and the parent-child dynamics necessary to form a secure attachment, rather than an anxious, avoidant or disorganized one. But the key words there are "boundaries" and "enforcing."
Without them, all you have is a parent who lets their kid do whatever they want with total impunity, and you end up with situations like this mom on Reddit has found herself in with her friend's kids — who frankly sound like little hellions making everyone around them miserable.
The mom said that the kids break things and hit her children every time they come over.
The mom stipulated that these kids are just inherently rambunctious boys, but their behavior goes beyond that. "Every time they come over, they break our things or my youngest ends up in tears from being hit or having something thrown at her," she said.
That's just normal kid stuff, of course — that's why kids have parents, to basically be a proxy for their undeveloped frontal lobe, the part of the brain that governs cognition and impulse control. But it seems like these friends have no interest in that part of parenting.
"Every time this happens, the parents ask them to apologize, the kids refuse, and then the parents just shrug and drop it," she wrote. It's left, not only her and her husband, but their kids "very upset" about the lack of consideration, remorse, and respect shown by this family.
The mom doesn't know how to handle the situation since the boys' parents refuse to rectify it.
"I know they are boys, so they will be rougher, and they are young," the mom went on to say, "but what would you do in this scenario? Is it rude to ask the boys for an apology myself?" She doesn't want to overstep and offend her friends, "but I also don't want to save their feelings at the expense of my own children's feelings."
The thing is, though, there is no solution to this that doesn't risk offending these people. That solution does not exist. This ultimately comes down to the very same problem that is creating this sticky situation in the first place — a lack of boundaries and the willingness to enforce them.
It is not in any way unreasonable for this woman to define what is and is not acceptable in her own home, and to ask others to abide by her rules. If her friends are unwilling to do so, that is their choice, but she is not obligated to continue to allow it. Their unwillingness to be the "bad guy" with their own children is nobody's problem but their own.
Likewise, this mom's unwillingness to ruffle her friends' feathers in order to stop their hellion children from burning her house down every time they come over is nobody's problem but her own!
But automatically assuming this situation is going to result in conflict is presumptuous. It very well may, sure, but as one mom in the comments wrote, "when kids act out in my home I have no issue correcting them if the parents don't… [and] …most of the time the parents appreciate the backup."
Who knows? If this mom clearly and kindly lays down the law and enforces it, she might even lead her friends by example toward not only being better house guests, but better parents too. There's no risk-free option here, but the risk is worth it in the end, for her and her kids.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.