11 Behaviors Of A Female Narcissist That Are Hard To Miss Once You Notice Them
A toxic person like this has subtle and unsuspecting behaviors.
Irene Miller | Shutterstock Although narcissism and narcissistic behaviors tend to be more common in men, according to a study from Psychiatry Research, it's still prevalent among women, despite showing up and manifesting in different (and oftentimes, more subtle) behaviors. However, recognizing the behaviors of a female narcissist that are hard to miss once you notice them can help everyone set better boundaries and protect themselves from being taken advantage of in their conversations and relationships.
From taking accountability, to exhibiting empathy, and even interacting with people in-person and online, the behaviors of female narcissists are inherently rooted in toxic gender norms. Taught the same principles and expectations as other young girls from an early age, the ways they tend to seek attention, feed their own ego, and gain validation revolve around their femininity and gender identity, manifesting in different ways from male narcissists.
Here are 11 behaviors of a female narcissist that are hard to miss once you notice them
1. She constantly seeks validation and attention
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Although female narcissists are great at disguising their inherent insecurities and low self-esteem with a grandiose sense of self and misguided confidence, according to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, their need for attention and validation from others can slip through the cracks, feeding the behaviors of a female narcissist that are hard to miss once you notice them.
Whether it's boasting about their accomplishments in hopes of being admired, interrupting people in conversations, or setting unrealistic expectations for others they're unable to meet themselves, narcissistic women find subtle ways to feed their own self-esteem and confidence.
While this attention-seeking behavior isn't always detrimental to relationships, especially between two non-narcissistic people, a female narcissist's incessant need to seek validation over nourishing their relationships can often contribute to growing resentment and conflict.
2. She avoids taking accountability with excuses
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Many narcissistic people make excuses and adopt toxic behaviors to avoid taking accountability, largely to protect their own fragile ego and insecurities. Despite being overly confident and egotistical, a female narcissist avoids vulnerable conversations and conflict to protect their need for endless control.
Whether it's arguing with their partners, falling behind at work, or hurting someone's feelings, they're willing to do whatever it takes to avoid owning up to their mistakes — even if that means blaming other people and forcing them to take accountability for their own shortcomings.
3. She's always the victim in any scenario
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According to therapist Nancy Carbone, one of the easiest ways for a narcissistic person to get attention from others is to feign misguided victimhood. Whether it's sympathy or praise for "persevering" through their trauma, female narcissists encourage other people to adopt the "perpetrator" role, even in the face of their own mistakes or hurtful behavior, to avoid accountability and negative attention.
A study from Personality and Individual Differences found that this tendency towards victimhood is actually a common trait in narcissists, defined as "an enduring feeling that the self is a victim across different kinds of interpersonal relationships" to seek recognition, feign a sense of moral elitism, avoid empathy, and ruminate on misguided struggle.
4. She's envious of other people's accomplishments
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In addition to victim-shaming other women and targeting younger vulnerable women to take advantage of, experts like Harvard graduate student Shahida Arabi argue that female narcissists cope with their own pathological envy by sabotaging and speaking poorly about other people's success.
Whether it's a means to redirect the spotlight on themselves or cope with insecure feelings about their own accomplishments, female narcissists attack other women they view as "a threat." Of course, gendered stereotypes and stigmas naturally pit women against each other, so it's not surprising that female narcissists latch onto this inherent competition to justify their own jealousy.
This behavior can be incredibly subtle, as Arabi explains — a mother picking at her daughter's weight, making jokes about the height of a friend's skirt, or spreading rumors about a successful co-worker. But recognizing them can protect you from taking on the intended shame, guilt, and embarrassment a female narcissist is hoping you'll adopt.
5. She gives backhanded compliments
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One of the behaviors of a female narcissist that are hard to miss once you notice them is their ability to weaponize criticism masked as a compliment. Whether it's gaslighting phrases that encourage others to spark self-doubt or backhanded compliments that are insults, they're willing to break other people down to make themselves look and feel better.
While many of the gendered stereotypes that negatively affect all women do apply to female narcissists, they occasionally weaponize them for their own advantage — seeking attention from men by appealing to a certain kind of their physical attractiveness and tearing down other women to gain validation.
According to a study from the Journal of Research in Personality, their need for superiority reflects in their general appearance as well, encouraging them to wear flashy clothes, invest in luxury products, and portray a misguided image on social media.
Despite adopting personalities and appearances that don't truly reflect their authenticity, but rather what they believe will bring them the most attention, the backhanded compliments and criticism they subtly use to attack others revolves around their gendered toxic stereotypes and beliefs.
6. She only reaches out when she needs something
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Many narcissists only give attention and provide affection when there's something for them to gain, causing them to feed into transactional relationships that spark conflict and resentment in their partners, peers, and friends. They lack empathy, but they'll often play "the nice person" or put on a caring person toward someone they believe they can get something from.
While this behavior can be unsuspecting and subtle in female narcissists, if you're constantly stuck in a cycle where you're begging for attention, people-pleasing, or anxious over an obligation to show up for someone in your life, chances are they're actively crafting and feeding into it, as well.
7. She changes her personality with different people
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Whether it's adopting different traits and behaviors around men they're trying to gain validation from, becoming overly charismatic toward leaders in the workplace, or only pretending to be overly empathetic when they need something, it's not uncommon for female narcissists to shape-shift their personalities to get what they want.
Considering they're driven by external attention and validation, it's impossible for them to feel secure, in control, and inflated when they're not able to get it, encouraging them to appease other people's insecurities and desires.
8. She relies on charisma and charm to win people over
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Many narcissistic people tend to land the best jobs and win over the right people because they're able to shape-shift in conversations with others, becoming overly charismatic and the perfect "solution" to their problems.
"It's not a surprise that people get hired because of these traits," psychologist Dr. Anna Kallschmidt admitted. "They're assertive, they're charming, they have charisma... They know how to turn it on and off."
Whether it's an attempt to gain people's attention or get in the right rooms, female narcissists know how to weaponize not just their emotions, but their general demeanor, appearance, and language to win over the right people.
9. She's only helpful when it benefits her
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According to a study from Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, many narcissistic people lack the capacity for empathy, unable to understand and make space for other people's emotions and struggles. Constantly hyperfixating on their own needs and struggles, they tend to overlook helping other people feel valued and understood to make space for their own ego.
When they do seem concerned or try to relay a sense of empathy, it often feels performative — as they're only doing so when it benefits them or they gain something in return.
10. She always steers conversations back toward herself
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Despite manifesting in many differing ways, one of the most common traits of a person with narcissistic personality disorder, regardless of their gender, is self-centeredness, according to a study from Psychological Bulletin.
Their primary concern is always themselves, manifesting in uncontrollable ways in conversations and social interactions, and many of the behaviors of a female narcissist that are hard to miss once you notice them revolve around this lack of selflessness and empathy.
They're not only willing to interrupt in conversations or criticize someone else to bring attention back to themselves and their own ego, they talk about themselves more than the average person, inflating their accomplishments and tearing down others to do so.
11. She's hyper-fixated on social media
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Whether it's constantly scrolling on Instagram, spending hours curating her social platforms, or sharing content that reflects highly of her perceived social status, one of the behaviors of a female narcissist that are hard to miss once you notice them is their dependency on social media.
Considering female narcissists are more likely to develop habit-forming behaviors around activities with social interaction, like engaging on social media, according to a 2017 study, it's important to recognize how their persona online contributes to their toxic and inflated personality in-person.
Are they overlooking the power of social connection with their close friends and families for the sake of appeasing others and gaining validation online? Are you consistently overlooked in favor of their curation of a misguided social presence?
By recognizing this subtly compulsive behavior in female narcissists in your life, you can set boundaries that ensure you're not contributing to her need for attention or her endlessly superficial interactions.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.