The One Brilliant Way To Fix 9 Painful Problems Couples Deal With, According To A Relationship Expert
A simple, tried-and-true way to get to the heart of any issue that arises.
Look Studio via Shutterstock My life's work is dedicated to helping people have healthier, more fulfilling relationships, so it's no surprise to me when a few common relationship problems arise in my clients. What is surprising is that so few people realize there is a simple system for resolving these problems — one that anyone can use with or without their partner.
The reason people say it works like magic is because it interrupts our knee-jerk reactions to these common situations when they arise and invites us to handle these challenges differently: with more thoughtfulness, heart and collaboration.
A simple way to fix the most painful problems couples deal with
Tool #1: Inward Reflection: Am I projecting my own fears, past wounds, or insecurities onto my partner? Am I searching for a reason to leave, or am I misinterpreting their actions?
Tool #2: Outward Reflection: Is my partner behaving in ways that suggest they aren’t trustworthy? Are they inconsistent, secretive, or unreliable?
Tool #3: Discovering the Real Truth Through Inquiry: Instead of searching for proof to confirm suspicions, we must engage in true inquiry. This means approaching situations with curiosity rather than assumption. Ask open-ended questions, listen deeply to responses, and allow yourself to be surprised by the truth. Avoid looking for validation of what you already suspect—true inquiry is about understanding, not proving.
Tool #4: Determine Our Healthiest Response: What’s the best course of action—clarifying expectations, setting boundaries, offering reassurance, or perhaps walking away?
Nine common relationship problems and how to use this 4-step system to resolve them
1. They are reluctant to be vulnerable with you
- Inward Reflection: Have I created a space that feels emotionally safe for them? Do I listen with a sincere intention to understand?
- Outward Reflection: Are they holding back due to past wounds, or is there a deeper fear of intimacy?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them what makes them feel safe or unsafe in sharing deeper emotions.
- Healthiest Response: Foster emotional safety by being open and non-judgmental, while also expressing your needs.
Example: Sophia’s boyfriend avoided deep conversations. After opening up, he revealed that his last relationship ended when he expressed his true feelings, leaving him hesitant to be vulnerable again.
2. They assume the worst when challenges arise
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- Inward Reflection: Am I dismissing their concerns, making them feel unheard? Did I get defensive instead of reassuring them?
- Outward Reflection: Have they been conditioned to expect pain due to past betrayals? Have I unintentionally reinforced their fears?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them if they are aware of their tendency to assume the worst. Does this pattern show up in other areas of life or just within your relationship?
- Healthiest Response: Make an agreement that you will both look for the best in each other while also considering the challenges. We do the best we can with the resources we have. Where might we be feeling deficient?
Example: David’s girlfriend often assumed he would leave when they had disagreements. When they talked, he realized she had experienced abandonment in past relationships.
3. They keep their guard up and struggle with physical or emotional intimacy
- Inward Reflection: Do I rush closeness, making them feel pressured? Do I give them space to express their fears or concerns?
- Outward Reflection: Have they experienced past trauma or betrayal? Are they avoiding intimacy out of fear, or are they emotionally unavailable?
- Discover the Truth: Ask what intimacy means to them and what helps them feel more comfortable.
- Healthiest Response: Respect their pace but communicate your own needs for closeness too.
Example: Ben noticed his wife always pulled away after emotional conversations. She later admitted her childhood experiences made it hard for her to feel safe opening up.
4. They don’t involve you in their future plans
- Inward Reflection: Am I as invested in this relationship as I say I am? Have I clearly expressed my desire for a shared future?
- Outward Reflection: Are they avoiding commitment due to personal uncertainty, or keeping their option open in case something better comes along?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them what long-term commitment means to them and how they see the relationship.
- Healthiest Response: Have an honest conversation about compatibility and future goals. If they remain noncommittal, honor your self-worth and consider whether this relationship truly aligns with your long-term desires.
Example: Josh noticed his girlfriend never mentioned him when talking about future goals. When he asked, she admitted she wasn’t sure about long-term commitment.
5. They hesitate to rely on you for important things
- Inward Reflection: Have I followed through on my commitments, or have I been inconsistent in the past?
- Outward Reflection: Have they been let down before, making them hesitant to rely on others?
- Discover the Truth: Instead of assuming they don’t trust you, ask how they feel about interdependence in relationships.
- Healthiest Response: Demonstrate reliability through actions, not just words.
Example: Jennifer noticed her partner never asked for help with big decisions. After discussing, she learned he had been raised to believe self-sufficiency was strength.
6. They have a hard time accepting compliments or kind gestures from you
- Inward Reflection: Do I offer compliments in a way that feels genuine and specific?
- Outward Reflection: Have they experienced past relationships where affection was conditional or manipulative?
- Discover the Truth: Ask what makes them uncomfortable about receiving praise or affection.
- Healthiest Response: Continue offering affirmations without forcing them to respond in a particular way.
Example: Jason’s girlfriend would dismiss his compliments. Eventually, he learned she had been in a past relationship where affection was used manipulatively.
7. They resist merging their life with yours
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- Inward Reflection: Have I clearly expressed my desire to build a life together? Am I 100% committed to our partnership and do I express it openly? Do I describe my partner to myself and others so there is no question that I've chosen them.
- Outward Reflection: Do they have fears of commitment or losing independence?
- Have they jumped in 100% in the past and been embarrassed among friends or family because things did not work out?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them what aspects of merging lives feel overwhelming. Do they feel that they will lose their identity by merging our lives?
- Healthiest Response: Respect their need for space while discussing shared goals. Talk about how to maintain their own unique identity and how your partnership can have a different identity that you both co-create.
Example: Nick’s girlfriend always avoided making long-term plans. When they talked, he learned she had never seen a stable relationship modeled growing up.
8. They don’t defend you to others
- Inward Reflection: Have I done anything to make them feel uncertain about standing up for me? Do I defend them as I wish to be defended?
- Outward Reflection: Do they struggle with confrontation in general? Do they believe that each person must take care of themselves. Are they concerned that I will be upset if they stop to defend me because I'm capable of fending for myself?
- Discover the Truth: Ask what support means to them in difficult social situations. Inquire into how they ask for or assume permission to take a stand for others.
- Healthiest Response: Discuss mutual expectations of loyalty and support. When do we need permission to protect or defend and how should we ask?
Example: When Alex’s friend made a rude comment about his girlfriend, he didn’t speak up. Later, he admitted he struggles with confrontation due to past family dynamics.
9. They act like they’re always preparing for the worst
- Inward Reflection: Am I unknowingly contributing to their fears? Am I also preparing for the worst? Are there things I am uncertain of or don't like that I have not shared?
- Outward Reflection: Have they experienced deep losses that make them wary of good things lasting? Have they been surprised in the past by something happening in their relationship they didn't see coming?
- Discover the Truth: Ask what experiences have shaped their belief that things will fall apart, good things never last, or it could never really be this good. Gently inquire into what both of you believe each deserves?
- Healthiest Response: Offer consistency and security without taking responsibility for their fears. Assure them that even if Mercury is retrograde, together you can get through anything.
Example: Emily’s boyfriend would always say, “You’ll leave me one day.” After a deep talk, she learned his parents' divorce had left a lasting fear of abandonment.
Larry Michel is a relationship coach & founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics and author of LASTING: 11 Illuminations & Essential Questions for a Co-Creative Evolutionary Partnership, Larry’s science uncovers how people's unique genetic coding drives every relationship decision, including who they are drawn to as partners.