8 Behaviors Of Parents Who Are Destined To Grow Old Lonely And Isolated From Their Kids, According To Experts
Parents who behave in these unappealing ways often end up alone and ostracized in old age.
Ground Picture | Shutterstock The last thing any parent wants is to become estranged from their kids and end up lonely and isolated as they grow old. Yet, this has become more common as each generation places increasing importance on emotional well-being, healthy boundaries, and compassionate communication in all of their relationships.
It is a challenge to be a parent who was raised without these compassionate ideals, or who hasn't experienced an interpersonal dynamic where mutuality is more important than hierarchy. It is especially challenging when faced with the expression of boundaries or a call for accountability or estrangement from their child.
Here are the behaviors of parents who are destined to grow old lonely and isolated from their kids:
1. They use guilt as a manipulation tactic
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Life coach LouLou Palmer goes directly to a specific action of parents who end up isolated: They use guilt to manipulate their kids into doing something.
Some examples are:
- Demanding they spend holidays together,
- Repeated requests to speak to a sibling you don't get along with and would like space from,
- Pressure to get married and have grandchildren,
- Going to university for the parents' idea of a career.
2. They seek obligation instead of connection from their kids
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Couples counselor Larry Michel has observed how parents who guilt-trip their children into staying connected, say things like, “I guess you don’t care about your family anymore” to push their children away. Relationships that are built on obligation rather than genuine connection feel suffocating and lead adult children to limit their contact with that parent.
3. They treat their kids like they're still ten
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Larry Michel continues to add that parents who are constantly giving advice when it’s not asked for, question their child’s choices, or act like they can’t handle life make their child feel untrusted. The child pulls away to prove they’re independent.
4. They're hyper-critical of their kid's choices
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If a parent only points out what their child is doing wrong — whether it’s their job, clothes, or how they raise their kids — the child won’t want to be around that negativity and will visit or call less. The same is true if the child does well, but it is just never quite good enough in their parent's eyes, concludes Michel.
5. They make unreasonable demands on their kids
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Many partnered people who have been raised by judgmental parents automatically try to do the same to their partner, states marriage coach Susan Allan. However, when they force their partner to obey by making similar demands to what they recall from their parents, their partner may smile for a while and behave.
But eventually, anger begins, and the pushback can be very dangerous. Because trying to control an adult partner is very different from what parents did when they were small children. Spouses who were controlled by their parents often end up with domestic violence arrests, and feel shocked because they are only repeating what their parents did to them.
Once they are aware of the influence of parental judgment, the judgmental parent will often be isolated from the adult child as the adult child works through past trauma.
6. They make 'well-meaning' comments that are actually really hurtful
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It’s a common parental behavior to question a child’s career choices, often out of love and a desire to protect them from struggle or regret, life coach Lisa Petsinis explains. Whether it’s steering them toward a more “stable” path or remarking that they should have gone to teacher’s college or law school, these well-meaning comments can do more harm than good.
At the end of the day, those choices belong to the child. When concern feels like criticism, it doesn’t support – it alienates. Faced with repeated judgment, adult children withdraw, share less, and turn elsewhere for support. The cost isn’t just hurt feelings, but a slow and steady wedge that leaves parent and child feeling lonelier than they ever imagined.
7. They cling to control over their kids
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One of the most common parental behaviors relationship coach Ann Papayoti sees that leads to isolation from adult children, is the need for control. This can sound like criticism of everything from their hairstyle to lifestyle. Or, it can look like overbearing interference, such as undermining parenting decisions.
Parents would find their lives far more rewarding and full if they let go of what they believe should be and embraced their adult children for who they have become.
8. They expect lifelong obedience from their kids
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Some parents cannot accept their adult children do not owe them the same level of obedience as when they were young children, warns therapist Gloria Brame. They will order their grown kids around, poke into their personal business, issue ultimatums, fight with them, and treat them like property.
They have an unrealistic and selfish expectation that they buy all rights to the kids' lives in perpetuity. The drama and disagreements make many people have no contact or low contact with their parents. For some, it's the lesser of two evils: stay and put up with verbal abuse, or go and lose your parents.
Parental behaviors always need to adapt. They must be flexible to fit the times and knowledge gained by each new generation, and they must be adaptable to the ever-changing world and constant state of flux most people spend their lives trying to find a balance within.
Being an adult and doing the right thing is hard enough, kids (adult or otherwise) don't need the extra struggle of figuring out if they should go no contact with a parent. For parents of adult children, sometimes the best parenting is no parenting at all.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.