11 Distinct Ways A Narcissistic Man Treats His Wife, According To Psychology
A narcissist is a major threat to a person's well-being.
New Africa | Shutterstock Narcissists are masters of two-faced behavior. At first, they mask their lack of empathy and overblown arrogance, which lures people into their orbit. But unfortunately, once they have someone in their clutches, narcissists let their mask drop, revealing a cruel, uncaring person beneath.
When a narcissistic man is around other women, he acts charming and confident, but when he's with his wife behind closed doors, he reveals who he really is. The distinct ways a narcissistic man treats his wife are cruel and calculating. He lashes out with rage and cuts her down if she ever pushes back. A narcissistic husband does whatever he can to break his wife's spirit, so she feels too trapped to leave.
Here are 11 distinct ways a narcissistic man treats his wife, according to psychology
1. He withholds affection
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A narcissistic man doesn't see affection as an expression of love; rather, he sees it as a tool to manipulate his wife's behavior. If she does exactly what he wants, he'll offer his affection as a reward. But whenever his wife stands up for herself or calls him out, he punishes her by withdrawing his affection.
He engages her in classic narcissistic behavior, pulling her in and then pushing her away if she doesn't comply. He keeps love-bombing his wife, showering her with affection and over-the-top romantic gestures, only to turn on her, without any warning.
The same man who brought her five dozen roses will explode with rage, hurling insults, and diminishing her for having an emotional reaction. He wields affection as a weapon, for the sole purpose of disarming her before devaluing her completely.
A narcissistic man will keep his wife stuck in a vicious cycle, until she's too defeated to stick up for herself.
2. He plays mind games
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One of the distinct ways a narcissistic man treats his wife is by playing mind games to emotionally manipulate her. He uses every tactic in the narcissistic playbook to keep her on edge: He twists her words, then gaslights her. He wants to make her feel so destabilized, she stops trusting her intuition and starts questioning her reality.
Being married to a narcissistic man often means living in chaos. Wives with narcissistic husbands never know what version of him they're getting. He creates intentional confusion, which leaves her wondering who she can really trust.
According to divorce lawyer Karen Covy, narcissists are "master manipulators [who] run mind games on their romantic partners" that are "meant to be subtle and sneaky."
A narcissistic man's entire objective is to make his wife second-guess every move she makes. He keeps her tangled up in his grasp, like she's a puppet and he's pulling the strings, only she's too close to realize what's going on.
"Part of each game is seeing how pervasively they can invade each corner of your life," Covy explained. "They make you look like the crazy one."
3. He projects his emotions onto her
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A narcissistic man is too emotionally undeveloped to understand himself. He can't actually process his own negative internal experiences, so he projects whatever he's thinking or feeling onto his wife. If he's having an affair, he'll accuse her of cheating on him. If he's in a jealous rage, he'll scream about how jealous is.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, projection is a way for emotionally abusive people to protect their overly fragile egos. It's a defense mechanism that "distorts or ignores reality" and one of the distinct ways a narcissistic man treats his wife.
By projecting his negative feelings onto his wife, a narcissistic man avoids doing any emotional heavy lifting. He never looks inward or interrogates his impulses. He lashes out because he has no capacity for self-reflection. Along with projecting his feelings, a narcissistic husband will also engage in externalization or blame-shifting.
He lacks the emotional maturity and insight to accept responsibility for his own actions, so he blames her for every problem he has. By casting blame everywhere but where it belongs, a narcissistic man avoids being accountable to himself. It lets him play the role of perpetual victim, where nothing is ever his fault, not even things he did himself.
4. He isolates her
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A narcissistic man uses emotionally cruel tactics to keep his wife under his control. He builds her up, only to break her down. While he chips away at her sense of self, he also systematically isolates her, until she becomes completely reliant on him.
His jealousy and rage are always in full swing. A narcissistic man can't stand the idea of his wife having an independent life. If she ever tries to meet up with friends for a drink, he becomes so explosive, she eventually decides it's safer to bend to his will. If her family members express doubt about their relationship, he forces her to cut ties.
As experts from MindWell Psychology noted, narcissists isolate their romantic partners from anyone who threatens their sense of control. Their main goal is to make you feel so alone, that you think you're completely dependent on them.
"You need support networks that are outside of the narcissist's sphere of influence so they won't have the power to interfere or manipulate these important relationships," they explained. "If your circumstances allow it, be willing to walk away. Love doesn't mean you have to stay in an unhealthy relationship."
5. He competes with her
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Before they get married, a narcissistic man will turn up the charm for his wife-to-be. He makes promises he never intends to keep, creating a false sense of security that hides his underlying motives. A narcissistic man does whatever it takes to lure women in and keep them under his control. His behavior follows a distinct pattern, rooted in an emotional vacancy.
As psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula revealed on the American Psychological Association's podcast, "There are sort of four pillars to narcissism. Lack of empathy, grandiosity, a chronic sense of entitlement and a chronic need to seek out admiration... and validation from other people."
Those four core components get "coupled with this sort of inability to regulate self-esteem — that sense of always peddling faster to get the regard of other people," she continued.
A narcissistic man is in it for himself, only, at all times. He competes with everyone around him, including his wife. It doesn't matter that he took vows and promised to love her and cherish her. A narcissistic man doesn't have the capacity to do either of those things.
He's fueled by jealousy and a scarcity mindset, so he sees her accomplishments as a direct threat to his potential success. He's quick to diminish her wins and invalidate her, which breaks her down even more.
Clinical narcissism is likened to an attachment disorder, which makes it impossible for someone to have deep, genuine connections to other people, even their wives.
6. He gives her the silent treatment
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Of all the distinct ways a narcissistic man treats his wife, giving her the silent treatment is one of his crueler tactics. In a healthy relationship, partners communicate with each other, even when they fight. But narcissists are, by definition, unhealthy in their attachment style, so they behave in emotionally abusive ways, like shutting down and giving their wives the cold shoulder.
Psychology expert Margaret Paul explained that the silent treatment is "a form of punishment, a way of attempting to control your partner or others into doing what you want them to do." It involves "closing your heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence."
The silent treatment is a calculated move, intended to inflict pain. When a narcissistic husband uses the silent treatment, he distances himself from his wife, which only increases her sense of isolation.
7. He acts like she's lucky to be his wife
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Most of a narcissistic man's distinct behavior is rooted in his grandiosity and his sense of superiority, and how he treats his wife is no exception. He diminishes and devalues her, then acts like she's lucky to even be married to him.
As MindWell Psychology explained, "In their grandiosity, narcissists feel that they are superior and entitled to better treatment than others, and this automatically entitles them to treat others poorly."
A narcissistic man truly believes he's the center of the universe, which means he never considers how his behavior affects his wife. Her experience doesn't matter. All that matters is that she meets his every need. A narcissistic man's perspective is based on his overblown ego, his lack of empathy and his innate cruelty.
8. He's possessive of her
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A narcissistic man's rage is only matched by how possessive he is of his wife. He thinks that she exists to serve him, which means he gets to decide how she dresses, who she's friends with, and how she spends her time.
According to Juliana Akin, the founder of narcissistic abuse support organization Unfilteredd, a narcissistic husband acts like he owns his wife. "A narcissistic husband doesn't see his wife as an equal partner," she explained.
"He sees her as something that belongs to him. He expects her to prioritize his needs, cater to his demands, and shape her life around what benefits him."
"If she asserts her independence, he sees it as disobedience and responds with control, punishment, or guilt-tripping," Akin concluded. A narcissistic man denies his wife any agency over her own life, which is another distinct way he exerts his power and keeps her under his control.
9. He invalidates her
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A narcissistic man always acts in his own interest. He uses emotional invalidation to his advantage, because it's a distinctly cruel way to cause his wife harm. If she expresses how she feels, he minimizes her emotions. If she shares what she's thinking, he dismisses her. He invalidates her constantly, to make her feel inferior and hold her down.
According to certified life coach Meredith Deasley, narcissistic people's actions are driven by their lack of empathy. They ultimately don't care if they hurt people, because they're not capable of seeing anyone else's perspective or feeling their pain.
"They are willing to devalue and humiliate other people," she explained. "They may not fully feel the pain they inflict on others due to a lack of emotional understanding and connection to the feelings of others, effectively making them less likely to experience distress when hurting someone else."
10. He controls her financially
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A narcissistic man uses every tactic he can to keep his wife under his control, which includes limiting her financial independence. He wants her to feel like she has no other options but to stay with him, so he restricts her access to their shared finances, which makes her rely on him even more .
Coach and narcissistic expert Elizabeth Shaw pointed out that being involved with a narcissist comes with serious psychological, emotional, and financial costs. "Financially, narcissists can be draining," she explained. "They may exploit you for money, use your resources without reciprocation, or create financial dependencies to maintain control."
Shaw shared that ending the relationship can also be financially damaging, since "the costs of therapy and recovery after such a relationship can also be substantial."
11. He makes her feel unworthy
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Making his wife think she's not inherently worthy is the most distinctly cruel way a narcissistic man can treat her. All of his actions are aimed at one essential target: Her sense of self-worth. Everything he does is designed to cut her down and make her feel so small, she begins to believe him when he says she doesn't deserve to be loved.
Dr. Durvasula revealed "the real paradox in the narcissistic relationship: It is never going to be enough." She explained, "If you're never going to be enough, one thing you need to do is to stop exhausting yourself to try to be so.
Every human being in the world comes into this world more than enough and exits this world more than enough. So that's got to be the central premise."
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.