9 Phrases Brilliant People Use To Politely Say 'Don't Speak To Me Like That'
There's a smart way to put people in their place.
MKavalenkau | Shutterstock In order to maintain healthy relationships, protect your self-esteem, and create a positive and healthy environment, you must leave room for respect. It's more than just more than just a courtesy — respect is a fundamental element of mutual trust, understanding, and emotional well-being.
In order to sustain relationships, respect must be mutual. Because they are emotionally intelligent, there are very specific phrases brilliant people use to politely say "don't speak to me like that." They are aware of how they should be spoken to, and if they are treated with even a hint of disrespect, they know how to shut it down.
Here are 9 phrases brilliant people use to politely say 'don't speak to me like that'
1. 'I'd appreciate it if you'd adjust your tone'
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While engaging in discussions with people, your tone matters. It influences the emotional impact of what we're saying, and helps build the establishment of the overall atmosphere of the interaction.
For example, the phrase "I'm fine" can sound completely different depending on the tone. One tone may be sincere, while the other may be sarcastic and rude. If someone is picking up a hostile tone from the person they are speaking with, they may politely call them out on it this way and encourage them to fix their attitude.
As psychologist Rick Hanson PhD recommends, "Paying attention to tone puts you more in touch with yourself because you have to be aware of what's building inside... Cleaning up your style of expression puts you in a stronger position to ask people to do the same or act better toward you in other ways."
2. 'Let's keep this conversation respectful'
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Respect allows people to connect on a deeper level and leads to more fulfilling conversations. "Why respect? Because when we feel that the person speaking to us values our time, understands our needs and considers our circumstances, we are a lot more likely to believe that they have a product, initiative or viewpoint that we want," Dean Brenner, an expert in persuasive communication, revealed.
Giving people respect makes them feel as if they are truly being heard in a conversation. If it drifts into disrespectful territory, brilliant people are quick to bring it back to a respectful manner.
3. 'I'm not comfortable with how that was said'
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One of the phrases brilliant people use to politely say "don't speak to me like that" revolves around setting a boundary with disrespectful people. Because when people want respect from others, they know the importance of setting those firm boundaries.
"Setting boundaries is an important aspect of establishing who you are as a person and how others are allowed to treat you," licensed marriage and family therapist Anna Aslanian told the Gottman Institute.
When someone begins speaking to you in a way or says something that makes you uncomfortable, politely call them out on it. It will encourage them to truly think about their word choice and tone before they cross your boundaries.
4. 'I'd like to address this without any hostility'
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As soon as the conversation starts to get hostile or unruly, brilliant people are not afraid to bring it to a screeching halt. Hostility can have profound negative impacts on a conversation, often causing it to become unproductive and tense, especially if it escalates to shouting.
When hostility enters a conversation, the focus can quickly shift the focus of the discussion from understanding to personal defense. Research, including a study from Frontiers in Psychology, has shown that hostility in conversations can damage relationships, create stress and anxiety, escalate conflict, and create a negative perception of the other person.
If a hostile tone becomes obvious during a discussion, people who don't tolerate disrespect will recognize it and refuse to continue until it settles down.
5. 'I understand your frustration, but I'd prefer a more measured conversation'
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"I understand your frustration, but I'd prefer a more measured conversation" is one of the phrases brilliant people use to politely say "don't speak to me like that." This acknowledges the other person's feelings, and makes them aware that you recognize that they are valid. It allows them to feel more understood, which can reduce the use of defensiveness and create a more cooperative atmosphere.
However, a person is also making their boundaries known. They will not allow another person's frustration to make them speak disrespectfully. A measured conversation is a thoughtful and controlled one that avoids using insults to get your point across.
6. 'Let's focus on the issue, not the delivery'
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This phrase used by brilliant people is similar to politely calling someone out on their tone during a conversation, except it focuses on the opposite. It encourages people to stay focused on the substance of what is being discussed, rather than getting caught up in something that may have been said.
The entire point of redirecting the conversation is to avoid escalating the conflict further. Professor and coach Preston Ni recommends keeping your cool, adding, "When you feel upset with or challenged by someone, before you say or do something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to 10. In many instances, by the time you reach 10, you would have regained composure, and figured out a better response to the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of exacerbate the problem."
Using this phrase is a polite way of reminding someone not to let emotional reactions to tone derail the conversation, quickly apologize if something was miscommunicated, and move on with focusing on the primary issue at hand.
7. 'Let's keep this professional and constructive'
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Constructive and professional conversations focus on resolving issues while maintaining respect. According to the Constructive Dialog Institute, constructive conversation "may lead people to enrich their own perspective or worldview, clarify their differences, discover common ground, or even create the possibility of future collaborative action that may have previously seemed impossible."
Let's say you had a friend who has repeatedly flaked on plans. You want to let them know how their actions have made you feel without it turning into a fight. You may say to your friend, "You flaking on our plans is starting to make me feel like I'm not a priority, and it's making me frustrated."
To keep the conversation constructive and respectful, your friend might say, "I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings and made you feel unimportant. Truthfully, I've been going through some personal things and have been bailing out of plans a lot, but I completely understand why it's frustrating to you."
You may tell them that you're sorry they are experiencing difficulties while also politely encouraging them to communicate better. By addressing the issue calmly and respecting each other's feelings, you are both able to maintain a positive and healthy dynamic within your relationship.
8. 'This way of speaking is not helpful'
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When brilliant people feel like they're not being heard due to the way they are being spoken to, they will make it known. They express that the tone and manner with the conversation happening is unproductive and not advancing toward a positive outcome.
According to licensed psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, when someone is angry and becomes aggressive in a conversation, the most important thing to do is remain composed.
"Stay calm if you can, then listen to what they are saying and show that you understand; maybe even agree with parts of their thinking... Make sure they can see that you have heard them before you share your thoughts and feelings. When you do, be sure to focus on your experience, not on criticizing them," she explained.
For example, if someone gets aggressive and says, "I can't stand talking to you!" a brilliant person may respond with, "I want to hear your concerns, but this way of speaking isn't helpful. Let's try to keep the conversation calm and collected."
9. 'I'm not going to listen to you if you continue to talk to me like this'
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Brilliant people know that they are well within their rights to shut down a conversation when they are being spoken to in a disrespectful manner. Because when someone is being rude to us, we don't owe them a listening ear.
Still, many of us fear that we will be perceived as if we walk away when things become unpleasant. However, it is important to remember that you do not owe anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable a single thing. What you are owed is respect.
If someone is berating or insulting you during a discussion, and you've tried everything to de-escalate and remain calm, you can give yourself respect by removing yourself from the conversation entirely.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.