11 Small Ways To Ruin A Friendship With A Good Person
You may be sabotaging your friendships without even realizing it.
Xavier Lorenzo | Shutterstock According to the World Health Organization, loneliness is so bad that it's recognized as a priority public health problem and policy issue, with 1 in 4 people experiencing social isolation. But for people with a close group of friends, it's a sigh of relief, as strong friendships with good people is incredibly rare.
Unfortunately, there are small ways to ruin a friendship with a good person, often without truly realizing it. From barely speaking to them to refusing to acknowledge their boundaries, unintentionally sabotaging an otherwise healthy friendship can be devastating. But it's never too late to make things right, and quickly correcting the behavior can lead to more powerful and healthier friendships in the long run.
Here are 11 small ways to ruin a friendship with a good person
1. Disrespecting their time
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One of the most subtle ways to ruin a friendship with a good person is being disrespectful of their time. Whether it's showing up late to a lunch or flaking on plans at the last minute, it's simply inconsiderate to someone you should make a priority.
Behavior like this, showing up late, can have drastic consequences on friendships. According to board-certified internist Jennifer Robinson, MD, some friendships can turn toxic when friends are negligent like this.
"A bad friend can be many things, but, typically, they lead to mental and emotional fatigue or a lack of general well-being. Research shows that negative or overly-aggressive social interactions can lead to increased inflammation within the body," she explained.
Not respecting a friend's time is not only inconsiderate, but shows that you're an unreliable person. So, in order to salvage the friendship, it's best to start doling out the respect your friend deserves, otherwise you may lose that connection.
2. Never showing up for them
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Having social connections and supportive people is essential. According to a study published in Psychiatry, having positive social support enhances resilience and protects against trauma-related psychopathology. But ruining a friendship with a good person can occur when you fail to show up when they need it most.
Human beings are social creatures that need community to thrive. Unfortunately, some people forget this core value and, as a result, unintentionally let their friends down by not showing support when it counts.
Whether it's not physically showing up to offer hugs and comfort in a time of need, or even giving a quick call to show you care when they're facing troubling times, not being there can damage a friendship quickly.
3. Refusing to listen
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Nobody likes to feel unheard, whether it's with family, a romantic partner, or co-workers. In fact, a study published in the Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association determined that feeling heard invokes feelings of importance, worthiness, and empowerment. When that's lacking in a friendship and someone doesn't want to listen, it's incredibly damaging.
While many people think they're relatively good listeners, people tend to grossly overestimate themselves. Since people like to talk about themselves, conversations can quickly turn selfish, neglecting a friend when they just need a listening ear. Even if it's done in good fun, this behavior can cause a friend to feel unheard.
Instead of making it all about yourself, aim to be relatively silent during a conversation, listening instead of talking. Don't respond when your friend is talking, just wait until they're done. Maybe add words of encouragement to reinforce your focus on the conversation.
4. Taking their effort for granted
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People often forget just how much their loved ones do for them, friends included. Whether it's taking them to work, helping with an unexpected payment, or making time for them despite a busy schedule, loved ones pull through in the best of moments.
That said, one of the small ways to ruin a friendship with a good person is by taking their efforts for granted, not appreciating everything they do for you and your friendship.
As a study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience pointed out, feeling understood is associated with reward and social connection. But many people still go through their daily lives without fully realizing the sacrifices their friends make to ensure their overall well-being.
No matter what your friend has done for you, be sure to take a moment to thank them. Express gratitude for their support and how they have enriched your life. Otherwise, your friendship won't last.
5. Being too judgmental
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People are judgmental, sometimes without even realizing it, pointing out someone's looks or personality and then using those flaws against them. Though many want to believe that society has evolved past that, people are still as judgmental as ever. In fact, people judge others based on a number of factors, including their handshake, their posture, and even their phone usage.
Having a close friendship with someone means you don't judge them. When they make choices you don't agree with, you support them through it, even if you know it's a bad decision. But even though people have high expectations for their friends, the same can't be said for themselves. As a result, they judge their friends for their choices without trying to understand where they're coming from.
By doing this to your friend, you're making them feel isolated and sabotaging a perfectly healthy friendship. Try your best to be understanding, give support, and show up for them without judging their choices.
6. Not acknowledging their boundaries
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Another of the small ways to ruin a friendship with a good person is violating their boundaries. According to psychotherapist Moshe Ratson, "Setting and enforcing boundaries is a powerful act of self-respect. It teaches others how to treat you and creates space for healthy, balanced relationships. Moreover, it empowers you to prioritize your well-being without guilt or compromise."
Unfortunately, not respecting someone's boundaries can quickly damage the friendship. Luckily, Ratson suggests a few ways to overcome this, adding, "Dealing with people who repeatedly violate your boundaries is never easy, but it is an essential step toward self-respect and emotional health. By clearly defining your limits, communicating assertively, and enforcing consequences, you reclaim your power and protect your well-being."
Accepting someone's boundaries means you respect them as a person. Be a good friend by honoring theirs.
7. Refusing to apologize despite being wrong
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Apologizing isn't easy. It takes great strength to admit your mistakes or being incorrect. But it's easy to ruin a friendship with a good person by never owning up to your errors. When people feel backed into a corner in an argument or disagreement, they may say out-of-pocket things, and that can diminish the trust in their friendship.
People want to feel appreciated, validated and loved, but not apologizing when it's needed creates resentment. According to the Gottman Institute, resentment is another form of contempt, which is the greatest predictor of separation. And the same principle can be applied to the bond of friendship.
If you truly value your friendship, set your ego aside and apologize. It's a small action in the grand scheme of things, and your friend will certainly appreciate you doing so gracefully.
8. Barely communicating
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All relationships thrive on open, honest communication. In friendships, even as years pass and life gets in the way, a true bond continues to flourish with constant calls or texts, even if physical face-to-face communication isn't possible. In fact, a study from Contemporary Family Therapy found that couples who spent time talking to each other once a day were increasingly likely to be more satisfied and closer. The same can be said for friendships.
Of course, people get busy. With work, relationships, and family thrown into the mix, it can be hard to stay on top of nurturing your relationships. But there's no reason why good friends should lack communication for long periods of time.
So, if you value your friendship and don't want to push away a good friend, make it a point to reach out. Talk, make plans for the future, or even send each other funny memes. It's the least you can do for your friendship's longevity.
9. Not celebrating their successes
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Friendships are tricky. On one hand, people assume their friendships are strong thanks to spending time together and communicating openly. But one of the small ways to ruin a friendship with a good person is to neglect celebrating their milestones.
Good people remember when their friends don't show up. It could be a dinner to celebrate a promotion or an invitation to attend a party like a bridal or baby shower, but either way, people should be able to count on their friends to celebrate their successes with them. Failure to do so makes their friends feel unappreciated and unseen.
To avoid this, be sure to always congratulate and cheer on your friends when they've accomplished or progressed through an important milestone in life. Even something small like a hug and a card can do the trick. As long as you're acknowledging their hard work, your friends are sure to feel loved.
10. Sharing their personal information
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While plenty of people tend to overshare information, when it's about a close friend, it's incredibly embarrassing. There's a huge difference between oversharing about your own business and oversharing about a friend's. That said, a small way to ruin a friendship with a good person is by sharing their information.
If your friend is going through a breakup or mental health crisis, it's not a good idea to spread their business to random strangers, family members, or co-workers. Not only does it make you a bad friend, but you lose all credibility to your friend and are no longer trustworthy.
It could take weeks, months or even years to rebuild your friendship. But according to psychotherapist Ivy Kwong, LMFT, there are steps to take to rebuild that trust: acknowledging your hurt, having an open conversation with them, listening to their perspective, thinking about why you became friends to begin with, forgiving them, and reconnecting slowly but surely.
11. Being too clingy or possessive
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When you spend lots of time with one person, it's easy to become a bit clingy. Maybe you spent a week at your friend's house and feel like you're experiencing separation anxiety, so you hang on to that feeling by being a little too present. Since humans are social creatures, they can easily feel threatened if they feel like their importance in a person's life is in jeopardy.
But someone's life shouldn't revolve entirely around their friend. By becoming possessive, constantly asking your friend what they're doing and begging them to hang out with you, you're pushing them away and making them not want to be in your presence. One of the small ways to ruin a friendship with a good person is being too clingy, and though it may be hurtful, everyone deserves the right to decide for themselves where to invest their time and energy.
If you truly care for your friend, take some distance from them. Go about your life as normal. Be your own person separate from them. And then, when you're in need of some stress relief or a really good vent session, you can rely on them to be there for you.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.