11 Behaviors That Look Normal But Actually Reveal Emotional Weakness
Sometimes the behaviors we've had all our lives may not actually be as healthy as we thought.
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock When we think of being emotionally weak and exhibiting behaviors that irregulate our nervous systems, we often think of someone who's quite fragile and sensitive. However, there are certain behaviors that look normal but actually reveal emotional weakness, and they're rooted in self-esteem issues, lack of boundaries, or unresolved emotional struggles and trauma.
It can be difficult to want to turn over a new leaf and create new habits, especially if you've used the same ones to navigate life this far. But the first step to building emotional resilience is identifying the signs, working on fixing them, and growing into the kind of person you're striving to become.
Here are 11 behaviors that look normal but actually reveal emotional weakness
1. Apologizing more than needed
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If you're someone who's constantly over-apologizing, especially for things that are out of your control, and don't need an apology in the first place, this is a sign that you're used to being blamed for anything going wrong. You were constantly made to feel guilty as a child and that everything was always your fault.
In her book, "The Power of an Apology," psychotherapist Beverly Engel explained that over-apologizing isn't so different from over-complimenting. You may think you're displaying yourself as a nice and caring person, but you're actually sending the message that you lack confidence and are ineffectual.
"It can even give a certain kind of person permission to treat you poorly, or even abuse you," Engel warned in an interview with CNBC Make It.
2. Being unable to look people in the eye
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Being someone who constantly avoids eye contact and struggles with appearing engaged during conversations may seem harmless, but it's actually a sign that you may feel unworthy or have a fear of being caught, despite no real fault on your end.
It's one of the behaviors that look normal but actually reveal emotional weakness, and indicates that you may struggle with being able to feel as if you belong in a room, and to prevent from being perceived, you actively avoid eye contact and find comfort in looking away when you're interacting with someone.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin says that making eye contact during a conversation is an important skill. "It can affect how you are perceived by others both in personal and professional relationships," she concluded.
Morin even provided some tips for people who may be struggling to maintain eye contact including implementing the 50/70 rule, which means maintaining eye contact 50% of the time while listening the other 70%, holding eye contact for about four to five seconds at a time, looking near someone's eyes, and using the triangle technique.
3. Over-explaining yourself
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At first glance, being someone who's always over-explaining themselves might seem like a necessary trait because it means you're taking the time to really make sure that people are understanding you.
But, in reality, it's a sign that you don't have complete trust in yourself and feel that people will never believe what you're saying. You may have this innate fear of constantly being misunderstood, leading you to add unnecessary details because there's a lack of confidence.
"Over-explaining is a habit response where we attempt to rid ourselves of guilt or anxiety by providing a 'right' answer to someone," explained psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera.."The root of over-explaining comes from patterns of fawning or people-pleasing. Many of us believe that in order to say 'no' or to not do something, we need to provide reasoning that won't disappoint or upset others."
To stop over-explaining, LePera insisted that it just takes practice, adding, "Over and over again, until our nervous system adapts and our window of stress tolerance gets wider and wider. With practice, we'll learn that people actually appreciate short, concise answers. And confidence in saying no actually creates respect between people."
4. Taking too many unnecessary opinions
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Going to people in your life for advice and guidance can help you make difficult decisions, but if you're constantly taking too many unnecessary opinions, that's a sign that as a child you were punished for making the smallest of mistakes. Now, as an adult, you've become over-cautious and scared to try something new without getting an opinion from others about it.
There's a lack of trust in yourself and being able to know that you can make the right decision all on your own. If you end up relying too much on outside noise and chatter, you'll never learn to take that step on your own.
One of the best ways to make better decisions and trust yourself is to be able to pinpoint what it is you want. According to David Welch, PhD, professor of political science at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, "People who aren't self-reflective are going to end up making bad decisions because they don't really know what they want in the first place."
5. Reluctantly agreeing
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If you find yourself constantly agreeing with other people, even if you actually don't like or agree with it, it's one of the behaviors that look normal but actually reveal emotional weakness.
You may think you're just being polite and don't want to rock the boat, but you've grown up as a people-pleaser. As a child, you may have missed out on receiving the validation that you needed, and now, as an adult, you're trying to make up for it.
While compromise is healthy in relationships, you shouldn't ever agree to something that you wouldn't have wanted to do anyway. You may have a fear of being rejected, so to combat that you're always saying "yes" to things because you'd rather do the thing you don't like than upset someone.
But the truth of the matter is if that person really cares about you, they also won't want you to do something that makes you uncomfortable.
Psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen, PhD presented necessary steps that she took to overcome being a people-pleaser. Some of those things included becoming self-aware, understanding the importance of being authentic, and learning to have self-acceptance.
"For me, breaking out of the people-pleasing trap didn't happen because I prayed that other people would change; I went down that road many times, and it never worked. Instead, I decided to find ways to change my own responses to people, realizing how unhelpful my pleasing behaviors were to myself and those around me," she said.
6. Holding grudges
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Holding a grudge may seem justified or normal, especially if someone has truly done something to violate your trust and overstep on boundaries that were put in place. But holding a grudge only does you a disservice. Carrying negative emotions for too long can be a sign that you may not know how to work through those feelings.
Holding a grudge can even impact your health as well. According to research published in Health Psychology, people who held on to higher levels of hostility — characterized by cynicism and mistrust of others — experienced more cognitive decline over a 10-year period than people who routinely practiced self-forgiveness.
So, you don't have to forgive someone, but you can learn to let go of those negative feelings and practice indifference.
7. Avoiding alone time
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Not wanting to spend time by yourself and instead being out and about with friends may seem like you're just an extroverted individual who finds enjoyment in surrounding yourself with others. But, actually, it can be a sign that you may be afraid to be alone with your thoughts.
You may feel uncomfortable with having to sit with yourself to the point where you would rather seek external validation by going out and ignoring your problems. However, the more that you put off self-reflecting, the harder it will be to truly understand and process your emotions in the long haul.
8. Perfectionism
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Nothing in this world is perfect, and if you're someone who is constantly striving for perfection, those high standards and ambition could be doing you a disservice and might be actually holding you back. In fact, perfectionists are often very critical of themselves and others, and, according to a study in the World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, this tends to stem from underlying insecurities or a need for self-protection.
Growing up in an environment with high expectations and relentless criticism could be the reason why some adults are always searching for perfection. However, by always wanting things to be perfect, you're just setting yourself up for constant disappointment and stress.
Perfection is an impossible standard and quite exhausting to try and uphold when there's beauty in things being a little bit messy.
9. Being too independent to a fault
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While there's such a thing as being too dependent on other people and their opinions, on the other side of that, some individuals can end up being too independent to a fault. This could also have started in childhood by having to constantly solve issues and problems on your own because you may not have been able to rely on your parents or other loved ones.
Now, as an adult, these people may struggle to accept help from others and are instead dedicated to solving their problems on their own, even when others have their hand out to help. There's nothing wrong with leaning on the people in your life, especially if they're always making a point to let you know that they're in your corner.
10. Holding onto toxic relationships
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We all have those people in our lives that we may have known for quite a long time. But if someone in your life no longer has your best interests at heart, it's not normal to keep them around, and is seen as a behavior that looks normal but actually reveals emotional weakness.
A person's reluctance to let go of toxic relationships in their life could be a sign that they have a fear of abandonment and difficulty in setting boundaries as well. Of course, we always want to see the best in someone, but if their best isn't good enough, there's nothing wrong with deciding to put yourself first and surround yourself with people that actually care about your well-being.
11. Shutting down during conflicts
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It might seem like a positive trait to be someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and would rather keep the peace, but it can actually be a sign of emotional avoidance and not wanting to stand up for yourself when something has hurt your feelings.
Mental health counselor Joe Nemmers, LISW indicates that shutting down emotionally, or emotional numbness, is a survival mechanism. "In the face of physical or emotional pain, or a traumatic incident, our sympathetic nervous system has three responses: fight, flight or freeze. Emotional numbing is freezing. Our brain shuts down as a protective response to keep us safe when our nervous system is overloaded," he revealed.
The only way that someone else can fix their behavior is if you approach them and hash it out.
It doesn't mean that you need to be hostile — it's possible to have a confrontation that doesn't escalate — but being able to confront someone when they've hurt your feelings or when they've crossed a boundary is important.
It's the same when someone comes to confront you about something because, most of the time, they're only doing it to mend the relationship and move on.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.