11 Signs Your Parents Are Deeply Lonely And You Might Want To Reach Out More Often
Parent-child relationships are a two-way street in adulthood.
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock Navigating the disconnect that naturally follows into adulthood between parents and their children can be incredibly challenging. Regardless of past experiences and the relationship, moving away, watching adult children start their own lives, and figuring out new boundaries and communication styles can feel isolating, overwhelming, and scary — for everyone involved.
Like a study from Psychology and Aging suggests, the tensions in parent-child relationships later in life are uniquely different between different generations and connections, but many revolve around this feeling of loneliness and the inherent resentment tied into those uncomfortable feelings. Amid the chaos of life, those feelings often go unnoticed, which is why it's important as an adult child to recognize the signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often.
Here are 11 signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often
1. They sleep a lot or stay up late
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While it might be hard to detect from another household, sleeping during the day and staying awake late into the evening, especially for older people, can be a sign of depression and loneliness, according to a study published in The Lancet Psychiatry.
Rooted in long-term periods of loneliness and isolation, depressive symptoms like an altered sleep pattern could be detectable by adult children — maybe, you're getting late night text messages or chatting with siblings still at home. Regardless of how you notice these changing sleep patterns, it's one of the clear signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often.
While a chaotic work schedule and family responsibilities might make it difficult to remember to reach out, actually planning out a call or sending a quick text message can be simple. Remind them that you're thinking about them and that you miss them. Figure out a time to stop over.
Open up conversations with them about how they're doing and simply listen. Sometimes opening up the door for support just means making your presence known.
2. They avoid social interactions
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If you notice a parent is skipping out on social events or forgoing family traditions to stay home, that could be one of the signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often.
According to research from the CDC, avoiding social connections and situations isn't just a symptom of depression and loneliness, but also a cause, sparking a toxic cycle where parents continue to isolate themselves.
Just like adult children carving out their new lives and priorities, parents or "empty nesters" also enter into a period of rediscovery when their kids leave the house. While it might be uncomfortable at first to separate the identity of being a parent from the things they genuinely enjoy and care about personally, finding social ways to fill time can be incredibly beneficial.
Whether it's joining a book club or planning nights out with friends, new activities and relationships can help to bolster life satisfaction, mood, and general health and well-being for parents in this stage of their lives, according to psychologist Deborah Heiser.
"It's a time for renewed relationships, new activities — perhaps volunteering, mentoring, rededication to career goals — identity rediscovery, and increased well-being. There are benefits of self-rediscovery, enhanced marital satisfaction, professional growth, and improved life satisfaction during this period," Heiser suggests.
3. They don't have new aspirations
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Many parents adopt a toxic "It's too late to start again" mentality after their children leave the house, encouraging them to self-isolate and avoid trying new things, hobbies, and pursuing new interests.
While it's normal to experience discomfort at the idea of reimagining your identity outside of parenthood, it's never too late. Many parents completely change their routines post-kids, living out dreams and pursuing goals that weren't possible caring for children before.
If you notice, as an adult child, that your parents are spending a lot of time at home, relaying a sense of pessimism about their future, encourage them to try something new. Even if it means sparing a few hours from your schedule to try something with them, pushing them into new exciting experiences can help them to realize that it's never "too late."
4. They reach out often
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Of course, it's important to stay present and communicative with your parents in adulthood, cultivating new and healthy relationships with them later in life. However, constant communication isn't always the right fit for everyone and can be burdensome for adult children trying to navigate their own lives and responsibilities.
Recognizing this behavior as a symptom of the isolation and discomfort that typically follows many parents when they become empty nesters is important. They may also pull away and be in contact less, but both of these are a trigger to set new boundaries and expectations.
To maintain and cultivate a healthy parent-child relationship, everyone needs to feel heard and seen, but also respected in a productive balance. Finding a balance for communication and setting these boundaries might be uncomfortable, but it not only protects an adult child's well-being, it also encourages parents to invest time and energy into themselves, rather than overasserting themselves in their children's lives.
5. They often express that they don't feel 'heard' or 'listened to'
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According to a study published in PLoS One, the experience of feeling heard in relationships of any kind, whether they're professional, parental, or intimate, is foundational to a person's well-being and satisfaction in life. When we forgo communicative habits like checking in with our parents or only go to them when we need help, advice, or support, we subtly encourage these feelings, without realizing it.
As an adult child, it's important to support, love, and listen to your parents in the same way you expect it in return. While it can be difficult to find a new balance, especially in this relationship where you've been cared for and accommodated your entire life, prioritizing helping parents to feel heard can combat many of the signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often.
It can be subtle, yet still intentional. Give them a call, ask them how you're doing, and focus on their experiences and challenges until you hang up. Give them the space to vent and ask for help — even if they don't, you've reminded them of the safe space they have in you to open up.
6. They're physically sick often
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Despite the numerous environmental and habitual causes of physical ailments in older people, loneliness can also contribute to a parent's constant sickness.
Research, like a study from UCLA, even argues that nearly one-fifth of Americans suffer from "the pain of loneliness," manifested through physical symptoms like chronic fatigue, headaches, and muscle pain.
Depression, anxiety, and the symptoms of loneliness and isolation deteriorate our immune systems as well, encouraging us to spend less time protecting and preventing illness, and more time coping and mediating the stress of emotional turmoil.
While this is another of the signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often, it can be difficult to notice a pattern in physical sickness when you're not living together anymore.
However, when you make it a habit to check, be present, and be intentional with your interactions, you can piece together how a parent is feeling and encourage them to support themselves in more ways than one.
7. Their general demeanor is different
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According to the National Institute on Aging, social isolation and loneliness can have specifically harmful impacts on older individuals, including mood swings and changes in their general demeanor.
From experiencing more irritability, to becoming anxious in their routines, and even adopting later symptoms of depression, these can be some of the more obvious signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more often.
While experiencing these abrupt changes in your parents can be disorienting for an adult child living their own lives, it's important to figure out a healthy balance of interventions and boundaries. Don't completely overwhelm and burden yourself with taking care of a struggling parent, but make time to remind them that they're loved and supported.
8. Their eating habits drastically changed
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Like a study from Psychological Bulletin suggests, physical isolation from social interaction and the experience of loneliness are interlinked, but not entirely the same, especially for older individuals. For example, it's possible for someone socially isolated to still feel empowered and healthy, while a lonely person can experience uncomfortable symptoms while in the presence of others.
Especially considering the tendency for older generations of parents to be less cognizant of the impact of loneliness on their lives and less engaged with mental health information and resources, the experience of loneliness, especially while engaging in social activity, can be disorienting, causing them to rely on unique coping mechanisms.
For some, it's reaching out to their kids more often. For others, it's indulging in comfort foods or avoiding nutrition altogether. It might even be overloading their schedule with plans and commitments to try to fill the nagging emotional void. While a change in eating habits can be explained and prompted by many different factors, loneliness often encourages people to stray from their typical routine.
Like a study from the Oxford University Press suggests, changing eating habits as a coping mechanism can spark a cycle of loneliness — less nutrition bolsters depressive symptoms and contributes to lacking physical and mental fatigue that further isolated struggling individuals.
9. They talk poorly about themselves more often
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According to a study from Personality and Individual Differences, there's a link between symptoms of loneliness, depression, and negative self talk. When a person feels physically and emotionally isolated from others, ironically it can feel grounding to adopt a similar personal view of themselves, engaging in the practice of "self-silencing" with harmful self critique.
While positive affirmations and empowering thoughts may feel disorienting and disillusioning to a depressed and lonely person experiencing isolation, negative self-talk and silencing themselves works to reaffirm what they're experiencing.
While the nuances behind being a harsh self-critic can be confusing, noticing this behavior in a parent doesn't have to be. Be the person who breaks the cycle for your parent, even if that means being a role model of someone utilizing positive and reaffirming self-talk in their presence, similar to how a parent would for a child earlier in life.
10. They lose interest in their typical routine or interests
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Having a general loss of interest is common for people experiencing loneliness, not just in their personal interests and hobbies, but also in other relationships, social connections, personal hygiene, and routines.
While this symptom can be subtle for adult children living away from their parents, checking in often can help you to notice patterns of alarming behavior and the signs your parents are deeply lonely and you might want to reach out more.
Encourage them to craft a routine that not only supports them in trying something new, but allows them to take care of themselves, and they work out of lonely habits and behaviors.
11. They talk a lot about the past
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While feelings of nostalgia and reminiscing on old memories can sometimes help to bond people and promote a better and more positive emotional health, as research from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found, it can also manifest with more depressive symptoms, urging parents to compare the past with present day and sulk in that discomfort.
Depressive nostalgia is often common for older people and parents to experience, as they navigate changing routines and a natural disconnect from their adult children. Don't be afraid to support and listen to a nostalgic parent, but make sure you remind them to embrace the present moment.
Find ways to reimagine the things that used to bring them joy into their current routine. Even if it means taking a few minutes a day or an hour a week to help push them out of their comfort zone with a check-in or activity, your relationship will be better off for it.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.