10 Ways Brilliant People Shut Down Family Gaslighting As Soon As It Starts
Nip the manipulation tactics in the bud before they get out of hand.
BearFotos | Shutterstock Friends come and go, but family is forever. But what happens when family is toxic? Families that rely heavily on gaslighting tendencies do so to the point where you start doubting yourself and your experiences. Because not all families are the same, this gaslighting can look different for everyone. But fortunately, there are ways brilliant people shut down family gaslighting as soon as it starts.
According to psychologist Jonice Webb, PhD, there are different family dynamics that play out when a family is consistently misleading each other. This could include unstable family members saying one thing but meaning another, or a picturesque family that forces members to never make mistakes at the risk of being chastised. When your family is manipulative in this way, it's time to shut it down for good.
Here are 10 ways brilliant people shut down family gaslighting as soon as it starts
1. They set boundaries with family members
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One of the ways brilliant people shut down family gaslighting as soon as it starts is by setting simple boundaries. When you set these boundaries, you're letting your family know that there are certain things you won't tolerate, and there will be consequences if they infringe upon them. This places you back in control over narcissistic, manipulative family members, showing them that you aren't playing games.
According to licensed mental health counselor Hannah Alderete, narcissists will do anything and everything to get under your skin. This could include name-calling or making you feel guilt over something they did. Your best method to combat this is to reaffirm your boundaries and remind them of the truth.
Setting strong boundaries with family is important for your well-being. They are your family, but they aren't entitled to do whatever they want or say anything that makes you uncomfortable.
2. They ask why their family treats strangers better than them
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By asking your family members why they treat strangers better than you, you're putting them on the spot. But it's better to bring it up than let it simmer below the surface, building resentment. When they gaslight you, it's not a good feeling, but you're nipping it in the bud by addressing your concerns head-on.
Clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg, PhD says that we select the people we interact with, but we don't select our family members, so we regress into immature behaviors and repeat the cycle with other relatives. The best thing to do in this case is lay it all out on the table, as it could be possible that you, too, have treated others better than the relative you're in conflict with.
If your family continues to treat others better than they treat you, just know that they are doing it to make themselves look or feel better. It's more of a damage control thing because deep down people know how they treat you but don't want others to know.
3. They end the conversation
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Sometimes it's better to just say that you can't see eye to eye on a situation and end the conversation there. Gaslighters love a good verbal loop where they can keep you talking to confuse you, so it's best to be stern, direct, and quick to stop trying to reason and simply walk away.
You can't and shouldn't try to change their minds because it is nearly impossible. According to psychologist Melanie Greenberg, PhD, you can minimize contact and not get involved in conversations. This will take you off their radar and prevent you from further being victim to their gaslighting tendencies.
The more direct you are, the more powerful you will appear, and the less likely that family member will bother you. Shutting down a manipulative conversation is one of the best ways brilliant people shut down family gaslighting as soon as it starts. Wasting time on idle conversations that end up going nowhere will stress you out and nothing will be solved otherwise.
4. They don't let family divert the blame
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You can sympathize with others but still not be naive. You know and understand that just because someone in your family has gone through something, it doesn't excuse their behavior towards you. When a family member tries to blame you, they use it as a deflection to try and divert the attention away from their own wrongdoing and make you look bad instead.
According to professor Preston Ni, "Many gaslighters view relationships as inherently competitive rather than collaborative; a zero-sum game where one is either a winner or a loser, on top or at the bottom. 'Offense is the best defense' is a mantra for many gaslighters, which also represents their aggressive method of relating to people."
Gaslighters won't admit their flaws and become defensive when they are criticized. They can't help but throw others under the bus to make themselves look better. But don't fall for their sob stories. They know what they are doing and will try to manipulate you if given the chance.
5. They compare their treatment to that of other family members
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When another family member has done worse things than you ever did, yet they get praise for it, that's when you know something in the family dynamic is fundamentally wrong. By calling out family members who treat others better, you're revealing the double standards in place.
A study from the Journal of Marriage and Family found that parents tend to prioritize their younger children's well-being over their older siblings. Favored children would have less depressive symptoms than unfavored children. Gender was also a huge factor, as same-gender siblings would see more competition for parental favor than opposite gendered ones.
It's a common misconception that if you're good then when you do something bad it's worse because people expected more from you. We are human, we are allowed to make mistakes, but a person consistently making mistakes should be a bigger concern.
6. They trust their own version of family history
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One of the ways brilliant people shut down family gaslighting as soon as it starts is by trusting their own instincts and sticking to the version of family history they know is true. Trust that you remember what has occurred in your family and bring up the noticeable patterns in the dynamic so it can be solved. The worst thing you can do is trust someone else's version of events, especially if you experienced it yourself.
According to information collected by Tom Kellot, gaslighting can affect a person's memories. It's possible for gaslighters to manipulate an individual so well that a "false memory" can be implanted in the mind. False fabrication starts with self-doubt and confusion, then to poor memory recall, and finally to the false memory.
The best thing you can do is to trust yourself and trust your memories of the events that occurred. If you believe you were treated badly by your family, look back on those memories and see if you were remembering things correctly. You never know if things could be worse than how you remember it.
7. They take time to think about everything that has been said
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Sometimes it's okay to take a step back and take time to recharge. When dealing with gaslighters, they drain you to the point where you don't want to do anything anymore. Take space for yourself and tell them that you need time to think about everything they said to you.
Mental health and wellness consultant Jamie Cannon suggests to "speak in scripts."
Cannon added, "Scripts are phrases or sentences — short, sweet, and to the point — that communicate your feelings and make it clear you will not play games. They can be as simple as 'That is not how I experienced that situation' or 'I am not going to talk to you about that.' Think about the arguments you most need to avoid with your gaslighter, write down a couple of statements that will shut down the discussion and leave no wiggle room, then practice, practice, practice."
If they begin to verbally circle back, mimic them and repeat your part of the script. This will cause them to stop as they won't be getting much information out of you.
8. They don't engage in petty arguments
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Another of the ways brilliant people shut down family gaslighting as soon as it starts is by not engaging in arguments, especially the petty ones. Don't stoop to their level; instead, rise above it and ignore any type of provocation they attempt to muster.
If someone is always trying to pick a fight with you, it could be a sign that they are trying to gaslight you to make your life "crazier" than it needs to be. The more you engage in this type of immature behavior, the more they will continue to do it. Remember: once someone shows you who they are, believe them and act accordingly.
Whether it's your significant other or relatives who bear the brunt of the negativity, it shouldn't rest on your shoulders to weather whatever emotional storms they are facing.
9. They won't accept blame if the other person won't accept responsibility
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When a relative won't accept responsibility for their actions, you don't need to accept blame if they aren't willing to accept responsibility for their part in the situation. Toxic, manipulative family members go out of their way to blame others for their own mistakes. But to stop their gaslighting, stay the course, especially if you have done nothing wrong.
They will make it known that they are gaslighting you by not accepting their part in the bad behavior. The only thing you can accept is that it's happening to you. From that point forward, everything else is about reclaiming your reality and making sure you learn from your interactions with them.
Claiming acceptance is going to let you walk away from the situation with a different perspective, while them taking responsibility will help move the relationship forward.
10. They talk about how they're being invalidated
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When a parent invalidates your experiences growing up, it can make you feel as if no one is listening to your valid concerns, and can even lead to cutting them off down the line. It can also make you feel like what you went through wasn't preventable, even though it was.
Beware of people who gaslight you to make you question your reality, as their intention is to purposely confuse you so they can manipulate you for their own benefit. It's not hard to tell when parents or family members are gaslighting to invalidate feelings. They will say things like to change course and absolve themselves from guilt.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up to members of your family, but when you have strong convictions and a sense of right and wrong, it becomes easier. The next time you're around family and someone wants to gaslight you, remember that you have more power than you think..
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.