Psychology Says If You Can Master These 7 Skills, You'll Feel Confident Into Your 80s
The only person who can make you confident is you, but these skills can give you a boost.
Slav Romanov | Unsplash Decades on this jolly little planet have shown me that I’m just not very conventional. I’ve never followed the expected path, and I feel like a rat in jelly when I slide closer to conformity. I’ve always felt different, weird, and even a potential source of discomfort for many.
I haven’t had a proper job in over 15 years. I’ve spent more time living abroad than in my home country. I don’t party, have no interest in politics, prefer to be single, and want to spend the rest of my life writing books, making art, and running my off-grid homestead.
It has taken me a long time to reach a point where I feel confident with how I choose to live my life — and I’m still working on it. I’m not here to condone making terrible, regrettable, and reckless life decisions, but I am here to share skills that will make you feel confident well into old age.
If you can master these skills, you'll remain confident well into your 80s:
1. Tend to your needs and desires first
Ground Picture / Shutterstock
Tending to your needs and desires first is not selfish. So many of us make personal happiness impossible because we view everything through the judging eyes of our neighbors. ‘I’m selfish if I put myself first.’
Not true. If you allow your vibrance to be diminished by serving others at the expense of your joy, you’re less effective. You’re a husk. The world loses out when more of its citizens are unhappy.
2. You understand what drives you
Dorde Krstic / Shutterstock
We all have different personalities and styles. What one person values highly, another person does not. And so you want to make sure you know yourself as well as possible.
If you continually feel shame, it may be time to self-reflect. This means reminding yourself about what brings you to life and what angers you. It’s about identifying your deepest fears and your frequently-entertained desires.
What would you most regret having missed when on your deathbed? These are the things to focus on. And yes, sometimes, in the interest of paying the bills, we can’t always be working on our passions directly, but you are doing what needs to be done first, so you can get there. In this regard, all you do is move you towards your greatest drives.
You must navigate your life according to your interests and passions — not someone else’s. This starts with understanding yourself and using past experiences to determine what makes you uniquely you.
Once you know more about yourself, you can set more authentic objectives for yourself. You can take action with less shame and a sense of pride and ownership… Because you’re doing what you are supposed to do.
Understanding what drives you primarily focuses on exploring different theories of motivation, including intrinsic vs. extrinsic factors, the role of personal values, self-efficacy, and the influence of personality traits, often utilizing methods like self-reflection, goal-setting exercises, and analyzing past behaviors to identify key motivators within an individual.
Self-determination theory suggests that the core human needs of autonomy, competence, and relatedness are key drivers of intrinsic motivation.
3. You don't take criticism personally
fizkes / Shutterstock
Tell me this: why would someone choose to criticize you if they felt entirely adequate and happy in themselves?
They bring others down because they operate under a faulty life strategy that says they gain at another’s loss. When this becomes clear to you, people no longer become a source of potential stress, but rather, they become a curiosity.
4. You refuse to conform or lower yourself to mediocrity
Arthur Bargan / Shutterstock
It’s okay to be average. Those who struggle to think for themselves often find solace in a crowd.
But don’t feel bad if you struggle to connect or feel misunderstood. You are likely not in the former category if you are reading this. You take a healthy interest in reading, learning, and developing yourself. This is often a sign of superior intelligence and something to be embraced.
Conformity has several disadvantages, including loss of individuality, stifled creativity, decreased critical thinking, increased susceptibility to groupthink, potential for unethical behavior, reduced personal fulfillment, and negative impacts on decision-making due to prioritizing group harmony over individual perspectives.
Conforming too much can lead to people suppressing their thoughts and actions to fit in with a group, hindering personal growth and leading to poor choices when faced with important decisions.
The classic Asch experiment demonstrated how individuals readily conform to a group's incorrect answer even when they know it's wrong, highlighting the power of social pressure to influence behavior.
5. You trust your instincts
Yuri A / Shutterstock
Just because society screeches that this or that is ‘the right thing to do’ doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Many of us endure depression because we allow ourselves to be molded by the opinions and judgments of other people. We relinquish our power by giving it up for others to pick at, like vultures in an open field.
We do this because we lack faith in our ability to perceive what’s right for us. We grew up waiting for other authority figures to touch us on the shoulder and permit us. And we lost our way.
You must find the path of self-guidance again. This means listening to — and believing — your gut. You must trust your boot as you step firmly into the sand.
6. You have doubts, because people who stand to change the world often do
Zamrznuti tonovi / Shutterstock
We feel doubt when we inch closer to upsetting the typical and expected order of things. If we’re uniquely talented or willing to invent, we invite rejection. People, for the most part, cringe at change. Being an innovator is inherently about disruption. And this can be scary. This is why we can feel doubt because we are skirting our edges.
So please know that if you feel lots of doubt, it does not indicate what’s wrong with you. It merely reflects the reality of what you’re capable of — i.e. disruption. You can either be crippled by your doubt or emboldened by it.
Experiencing a high level of doubt is often linked to low self-esteem, anxiety, and a history of negative experiences. Individuals may question their abilities, decisions, and self-worth due to past failures or a lack of positive reinforcement, leading to a cycle of self-doubt that can significantly impact their lives. Factors like perfectionism, social comparisons, and a critical inner voice can also influence this.
The power of doubt refers to the idea that embracing a healthy level of uncertainty and questioning can be a powerful tool for growth, learning, and better decision-making, as it encourages critical thinking, openness to new perspectives, and adaptability, unlike paralyzing doubt, which can lead to indecision.
7. You don't give other people the power to decrease your self-worth
Yuri A / Shutterstock
One of our greatest fears is tied to banishment from the tribe. We didn’t want to be sent out alone into a scary forest because we might die.
This fear holds less significance in the modern age. The other side to this fear is our human-shared false belief that other people have the power to diminish our self-worth.
It’s a very real thought and a seemingly real threat. We believe this because somewhere along the way, we were told that self-esteem or self-worth was a thing. They are not — beyond being an illusory concept housed in confused minds.
We have nothing of ourselves to lose. Meditating on this can bring much relief. You may lose blood to a wound, but you can’t lose a piece of what makes you you.
This makes it far easier to fearlessly go out and do what works for you with your head held high.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.