11 Questions Deeply Self-Conscious People Hate Being Asked
Prying into someone's personal life is invasive and insensitive.
stockfour | Shutterstock People who are self-conscious already struggle with presenting themselves and interacting with others every day. It's even more difficult when faced with the questions deeply self-conscious people hate being asked; while someone asking questions may deem them perfectly acceptable, they could also be critical, invasive, or dismissive to a person who is already grappling with self-esteem.
These individuals often worry that they will need to endure judgement or negative responses if they don't answer how others want them to. Before you ask a self-conscious person what you believe is a normal question, take a moment to think about what emotions it may evoke in them, and how it may affect the way they view themselves.
Here are 11 questions deeply self-conscious people hate being asked
1. 'Why are you so quiet?'
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Even though some people may believe this is appropriate to ask someone who is a bit more introverted in social settings, it implies that quietness is inherently negative. It causes the deeply self-conscious person to put pressure on themselves to respond to something they may not even have the answer to.
Self-conscious individuals can easily feel like they are being judged for not being as outgoing as others, and that their behavior is being criticized.
According to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology people who feel scrutinized over their silence in social settings become more self-aware and are less likely to be able to engage naturally with others. They also may put pressure on themselves to be more aware of how much they verbally contribute to discussions, leading to increased stress and anxiety.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with people choosing to remain silent in certain social situations. They may be more of a listener or more shy than others, which isn't a bad thing either.
2. 'Why don't you just speak up?'
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This question can come off as dismissive, accusatory, and demonstrates little concern for a self-conscious person's internal struggles. It implies that a person is deliberately choosing not to speak up for others or themselves, when there may be valid factors at play.
The person may have a fear of repercussions, lack of knowledge about certain topics being spoken about, or simply feeling uncomfortable voicing themselves in a particular setting.
According to organizational anthropologist Judith E. Glaser, many of us, especially those who are self-conscious, may not speak up due to a deep fear of being rejected. Rather than imply that there is something wrong with someone if they have difficulty speaking up, validate their hesitation. It can be scary to put yourself out there, after all.
3. 'What's wrong with you?'
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"What's wrong with you?" is one of the questions deeply self-conscious people hate being asked. The question can be applied to various situations, but still often comes off as hurtful and counterproductive to self-conscious people.
Whether they are engaging in a behavior that we may not understand or seem particularly anxious in certain situations, we should never ask someone what's wrong with them when the answer is, more often than not, nothing at all. Their behaviors are just the way they are wired.
Asking someone what's wrong with them can make them feel as if they are defective, triggering feelings of shame and self-doubt. The question can also come off as dismissive to those who struggle with their mental health, and don't know how to explain their emotions.
One user on The Mighty explained how this feels to someone with low self-confidence: "When you say, 'What's wrong?' I hear, 'Explain yourself.' And if you know I have depression, it seems like you're saying 'I don't listen to you when you say there isn't a reason, it's just one of those days.' You see, I don't know 'What's the matter.'"
Instead of asking "What's wrong with you?" people should aim for a more empathetic and open-minded approach such as, "Are you okay? You seem like you're going through something," or, "Is there anything I can do to help?"
4. 'Why can't you just relax?'
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If only it were that simple for some of us to "just relax." As much as we would like to unwind, kick our feet up and not have a worry in the world, self-consciousness prevents us from doing so.
When someone is already feeling self-conscious, being told to "just relax" puts pressure on them to perform and appear calm, even if they are spiraling with worry internally. There could be valid health reasons why self-conscious people are more on edge and have a difficult time relaxing.
"We need to remember that our brains are always 'on' and are actually designed to be worried," says Deborah Serani, PsyD, a professor at Adelphi University. "After all, that anxiety can keep us alive as we are always aware of potential dangers that may threaten us."
Even if some people's concerns may not make sense to us, this doesn't mean we shouldn't validate and assure them.
5. 'Are you sure you're not overreacting?'
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When self-conscious people are questioned about their reactions to particular situations, it can erode their trust in their own judgment. They ask themselves if their emotional responses are appropriate, making them feel even less confident in their decision-making and navigating their feelings. It can also amplify feelings of shame and self-doubt, and make them feel embarrassed for expressing their emotions.
Instead of pressing someone about whether or not they may have overreacted to a situation that clearly stirred up strong emotions in them, ask them, "It sounds like you're really upset. Want to talk about it?" or, "I can see that you're really struggling with this. How can I help?"
We never truly know what people have been through that causes them to react the way they do.
6. 'Have you gained weight?'
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Not only is this one of the questions deeply self-conscious people hate being asked, it's rude to ask, period. People should never dare to ask anyone this, regardless if they are self-conscious or not; in fact, they shouldn't even ask questions about a person's weight, in general.
It's a very sensitive and personal topic that is associated with body image issues and can be perceived as disrespectful. People who already struggle with self-esteem can spiral into a pit of self-doubt and worthlessness when others point out the way their body looks.
A survey from the Mental Health Foundation in collaboration with YouGov found that 13% of adults even experienced dangerous thoughts or feelings due to perception about their body image. Weight should never be brought into question, especially while having a discussion with people who are already severely self-conscious.
7. 'Are you really going to wear that?'
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While some people may ask this question from a place of weather or dress-code concerns, it can come across as invasive and rude. Self-conscious people may feel insecure about their clothing choices and sense of style, even if they spent hours in front of the mirror modeling an outfit they felt most comfortable in.
Even if their clothing choices aren't necessarily your style, there is no need to inflict doubt onto them.Everyone has their own sense of style and there is no need to make them feel self-conscious about it.
8. 'Why aren't you married yet?'
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This is a question that many women in their late 20s and 30s likely fall victim to occasionally from their mothers and other nosy relatives. There seems to be a societal expectation that women need to be married in order to be fulfilled in life. However, this could not be further from the truth.
Pew Research Center reports that 14% of never-married adults say they don't plan to marry at all, and another 27% aren't sure whether marriage is for them. Some people may be fulfilled from their jobs, traveling, focusing on their own well-being and doing life solo. To assume that they are miserable otherwise and they should be married is dismissive of their experiences.
Others may have great difficulty finding their person no matter how badly they may want a committed relationship. Asking them why they aren't married yet may cause them to feel embarrassed or inferior to those who happen to have love fall right into their laps, and have them questioning their self-worth.
It's important that we recognize the individual paths in life we can take to achieve our own personal fulfillment other than marital status.
9. 'How much do you make?'
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Not only is this one of the questions deeply self-conscious people hate being asked, but feigning interest about someone's salary is a blatant invasion of their privacy, and can also trigger feelings of inadequacy. Questions about their income can make them feel inferior, especially if it doesn't meet societal expectations of their own standards.
It can be easy to feel judged by people who ask you this question and continue to boast their own salary is higher than yours. Money is already a widely taboo subject. According to licensed psychologist Marina Harris PhD, if people are going to ask others about their jobs, they should avoid talking about money. Instead, they should ask how work itself is going, and if they have any passion projects coming up.
10. 'You're still not over that, are you?'
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Whether it be a fight with a friend that hit close to home or a job loss that knocked you off your feet, having someone question you why you're not "over it" can be extremely insensitive, even for those who are not particularly self-conscious.
Healing is not a linear process, and there is no timeline that states when you should "get over" certain things that have happened to you. Asking someone when they plan on getting over their grief or trauma minimizes their pain, making them feel like their experience is invalid and that their feelings are a burden.
Self-conscious people may feel especially ashamed and guilty when people put pressure on them to get over something they are clearly struggling with, and may believe that there must be something seriously wrong with them rather than the people who are not respecting their healing process.
11. 'Why don't you have more friends?'
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Making friends is not as simple as strolling up to someone and asking them if they want to be friends. There are perfectly valid reasons people may not have a lot of friends, even if they want them.
They could find themselves at completely different places in their life than those around them, they may be overwhelmed by stressors in their personal lives or they have difficulty connecting with people. But no matter the reason, self-conscious people are already worried enough about how they present themselves to others.
Pointing out that they do not have a specific number of friends can make them feel inadequate, and imply that there must be something wrong with their social life. They also may fear that people perceive them as unkind if they don't have a large social circle. Realistically, everyone's social situation is different, and the reasons for having a small circle are often personal.
Instead of potentially drudging up a sensitive and painful subject for those who may not have a lot of friends, people could certainly be more open-minded and supportive. Not having many friends is not a reflection of one's character, and no one should feel criticized or pressured to have a bigger social circle.
Sometimes, it's better to have an intimate group of friends rather than a crowd, as the quality of their connections may be enhanced.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.