If Your Parents Cross These 11 Lines, It Might Be Time To Go No-Contact For Awhile
Even if your parents don’t view you as an adult, that doesn’t make you any less grown.
Dani D.G | Shutterstock.com Making the decision to cut off contact from anyone you've been close to can be disorienting, anxiety-inducing, and scary, especially if it’s someone you’ve spent a lifetime trying to build a connection with. When adult children make the decision to stop talking to their parents, it’s not usually an easy choice, but if they cross certain lines, it might be time to go no-contact for a while.
Going no contact doesn't have to last forever. Research shows that among people who become estranged from mothers, "the vast majority became unestranged (81.3%).” Sometimes the best thing you can do for your relationship is take a temporary break rather than allow problems between you to get even worse.
If your parents cross these 11 lines, it might be time to go no-contact for awhile
1. They constantly offer unsolicited advice
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While every family situation is uniquely different and the “rules” for going no-contact take many different forms depending on the relationship, it’s safe to say that any parent who consistently crosses boundaries you’ve been intentionally creating and re-asserting doesn’t respect your autonomy as an adult.
Even if it’s something as subtle as conversational behaviors — criticizing your life choices or giving advice when you’ve been clear you’re just looking for support — if your parents cross these lines, it might be time to go no-contact for awhile.
Experiencing resentment in a relationship can lead to a slew of uncomfortable emotions, especially when it goes unaddressed. When a parent disregards your expectations and boundaries, it can creep up slowly over time — sparking tension and disconnect that ultimately becomes impossible to ignore.
Like psychologist Judith Tutin explained, even if your parents don’t respect your choices, autonomy, or independence, that doesn’t make you any less of an adult who is capable of protecting your peace and stepping away from relationships that no longer serve you in the present moment.
2. They don’t respect your privacy
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Whether it’s constantly calling you and guilt-tripping you into contact with them or overstepping physical boundaries in a shared space, a parent who doesn’t respect your right to privacy likely doesn’t respect your independence and autonomy in adulthood.
The effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family — riddled with lacking trust, disconnect, and codependency — don’t simply dissipate when you enter adulthood. They manifest in new ways that can add emotional burden and anxiety to everyone’s lives.
How can you trust a parent to safeguard and protect your emotions, keep their promises and commitments, or even advocate for you if they’re unwilling to respect your privacy?
3. They resort to name-calling when there’s conflict
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While healthy arguments and conflict can be beneficial for any relationship, especially a fundamental parent-child dynamic in adulthood, having a parent who’s unable to take accountability and engage in healthy, honest, and open conversation only makes matters worse when there’s a disagreement.
Even subtle things like miscommunications spiral into much larger problems, with parents targeting their children, blackmailing them into adopting self-doubt, and criticizing them with name-calling and guilt-tripping behaviors.
If you don’t feel comfortable disagreeing or resolving conflict with a parent, that might be one of the signs it’s time to go no-contact for a while. Not only will sticking around and bearing this emotional burden cause adult children to “people-please” — repressing their own needs for the benefit of their parent’s comfort — it can cause them to take on a sense of anxiety and mistrust in their relationships.
4. You have physical altercations with them
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While a need for control and dominance in a parent-child relationship tends to manifest itself in a number of verbal and subtle behaviors, there’s nothing less clear than a physical altercation to cause people to go no-contact with toxic parents in their lives. Nobody should feel empowered to cross your physical boundaries, especially in a malicious manner.
Of course, there are resources available to help adult children in situations where physical altercations occur, and if your parents cross these lines, it might be time to go no-contact for awhile.
5. Constantly criticizing a partner or relationship in your life
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While parents might feel empowered to express their opinions, perspectives, and unsolicited advice about their adult children’s relationships in conversations, it’s important to recognize the respect you deserve when making your own independent decisions.
Not only should parents feel more compelled to support, rather than criticize, the choices you make in your best interest as an adult, they shouldn’t cross the line of letting their need to express their opinions impact your personal relationship.
While there are certain exceptions to this rule, the majority of parents crossing these boundaries feel more comfortable prioritizing their own expression and superiority than they do supporting their child.
6. They remind you that their love is conditional
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If every interaction with your parents in adulthood feels like a business transaction, that could be a subtle sign that it’s time to go no-contact for a while. Parents should love their kids unconditionally, even when they’re struggling or going through something difficult — not manipulate and gaslight them into thinking they “owe” their parents something.
If you feel pressured to do things for your parents or act a certain way to receive their love — that’s conditional love, cultivated in a transactional relationship that only breeds resentment and disconnect between parents and their adult kids.
7. They judge you for expressing differing opinions
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Family coach Larry Michel argues that adult children who feel judged or criticized by their parents are much less likely to trust them, confide in them, and express vulnerability in conversations with them.
When parents put their own beliefs and values on a pedestal, making their kids feel less supported for expressing differing opinions, they not only engage in unproductive conflict, but retreat both physically and emotionally. Especially if they continue to act this way after you’ve already re-asserted your boundaries and expectations, it might be time to go no-contact for a while.
8. Their parents don’t acknowledge their childhood trauma
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Especially as information about childhood trauma and adult children’s experiences become more popular and talked about in our culture, it’s important that parents are equipped with the skills and attitudes to have healthy conversations about it.
Great parents support their kids in these kinds of conversations, making space for their uncomfortable emotions and paving a better way forward, even if they don’t necessarily agree with the experience their children are explaining.
However, toxic parents tend to get defensive in the face of these conversations, guilt-tripping and blame-shifting their way out of taking accountability or even just supporting their adult children as they communicate. If your parents cross these lines — making you feel guilty for your own childhood experience, where you had little autonomy in shaping your life — it might be time to go no-contact for awhile, until they’re comfortable and ready to have those discussions.
9. They ‘parent’ your own kids
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While grandparents are saviors in many adult children’s lives when they have their own kids, helping with random errands and even helping to offset the rising costs of childcare, there are certain boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed in this unique dynamic.
Each family’s specific expectations and boundaries look innately different, but if your parents aren’t respecting your parenting decisions, boundaries with your kids, or expectations for their behavior, it might be time to consider taking some time apart.
While this decision can be challenging and often have consequences in other areas of your social and financial life, the emotional burden new parents take on — trying to both care for their children and police their parents’ behaviors — is often too much to carry.
10. They try to fix all your problems
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One of the biggest points of tension in parent-child relationships in adulthood is the tendency for parents to overstep, over-critique, and dismiss their children’s autonomous decisions. Not only do parents, both with good and poor intentions, struggle to let go of their feelings of responsibility and control over their children, they tend to take on the burden of “solving” all their problems.
For adult children trying to making decisions in their own best interest, this tendency can be anxiety-inducing and frustrating, not only sparking feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, but also resentment.
As a parent of an adult child, the best thing you can do for your children is be a listening ear, a guiding light of support, and a beacon of hope, even if they’re struggling. Don’t offer advice that you weren’t asked for, simply be there to support them and offer your own experience when they need it.
11. They enable unhealthy habits
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In adulthood, many children are forced to reconsider what they need and appreciate in their own lives, especially without the control or security of their parents. From coping mechanisms, to relationship standards, and personal boundaries, adult children have the power to construct their lives outside of their parents’ perspective for the first time.
However, toxic parents who struggle with control or codependency often manipulate their children into taking their advice or adopting their perspectives with things like financial support or conditional love. Feeding into their unhealthy habits and encouraging their kids to act against their own interests, they withhold the foundations of a healthy relationship — unconditional love, trust, and respect — to get their way.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.