Relationship Coach Says The Way You Text Reveals A Lot About Your Attachment Style
Everything relational ultimately comes down to attachment style — even the way you use your phone.
StefanDahl | Canva Pro If you've learned anything about attachment theory, you know that the four attachment styles have major impacts on relationships. But, according to one expert, they even impact the small details in a partnership in ways that can have an unexpected impact — like the way a person texts.
A relationship coach explained how each attachment style texts and what it reveals about a person.
Texting has become the main way most of us communicate nowadays. Whether it's on our phones, in our office communication apps, or on social media, tapping out a message has pretty much entirely overtaken talking on the phone.
Which can be a bit sticky, of course. Texts are even shorter on things like nuance and tonal cues than emails, which can make them easy to misconstrue.
Relationship coach Brandi O'Dell, whose company Beautifully Broken Path specializes in attachment styles and managing the aftermath of break-ups, said these habits can sometimes become a compatibility issue between partners, just like regular face-to-face communication can be. And just like every other aspect of communication, texting also comes down to our attachment style.
"Your attachment style can actually determine your texting style," she said in a video on the subject, "and not having texting compatibility can create conflict, stress, and anxiety in relationships." Here is how she says each of the four main attachment styles tends to text.
1. People who need a lot of texting validation may have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style
People with Anxious-Preoccupied attachment tend to fear abandonment, which often stems from inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving from their parents when they were kids. In their adult relationships, they can tend toward clinginess or need a lot of validation from a partner.
O'Dell said this spills over into their texting behavior and expectations. "They will put a lot of emphasis on texting — the more texting correspondence they have, the more secure they are gonna feel about the relationship," she said.
They also tend to be the types who most often initiate conversations, and perhaps most important of all, they expect their partner to respond immediately because they're anxiously eyeing the phone, waiting for a reply.
What underlies it all, O'Dell said, is a "bid for closeness and connection with their partner" as well as "reassurance" that their partner is genuinely interested in them. When they don't get a response, they tend to become anxious that they've done something wrong or misread their partner's intentions — and slam you with texts trying to get a response "to regulate their nervous system."
2. People who text only when necessary may have a Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style
As the name suggests, people with this kind of attachment tend to avoid emotional connection and vulnerability, often entirely. When they are in a relationship, they can tend to seem aloof and unreachable, all of which usually stems from having their emotional needs invalidated as children.
Hence, they "don't feel the need to be in constant contact," O'Dell said. "It's not a necessity for them, so they are not going to text a lot," and when they do, it's usually a means to an end.
Often, their texting style is more utilitarian — setting up dates or responding to a question you asked. O'Dell said that if they're in a relationship with someone who tends to text a lot, they are likely to feel "overwhelmed and smothered" by the flurry of messages.
Again, as the name of the style suggests, O'Dell said their approach to this will typically be distance — taking a while to respond or even going "MIA for days." The truth is, she said, they actually hate the back-and-forth of texting, so they respond by not responding in order to feel they are "regaining and maintaining their independence and autonomy" — like they learned to do when they weren't allowed to have feelings as kids.
3. People who go back and forth between extremes may have a Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized attachment style
Those with Fearful-Avoidant or what is sometimes called Disorganized attachment want nothing more than emotional intimacy, but it also scares them to death. They are constantly caught between wanting connection and fearing vulnerability. People with this attachment style often endured childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse.
This constant volleying between extremes will show up in their texting, O'Dell said. "They will flip-flop back and forth in their texting style. They will respond right away, initiate text and engage in communication, and then stop responding and avoid text altogether out of the blue."
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It's highly dependent on their emotional state at the moment, she said. If they are dysregulated or triggered, they are in avoidant mode and will go quiet, which will feel like distance and coldness to their partner.
If they shift into anxiety, they may become "bubbly and friendly," and a flurry of texts may arrive. "It's a way to pull that person back in, and this is why you often get mixed signals with Fearful-Avoidants because they can be the extreme on the anxious side or the extreme on the avoidant side," O'Dell explained.
They also will lean into passive-aggressive behavior, she said, especially if challenged, and take the viewpoint of "Well, you didn't text me, so why should I text you?"
4. People who text consistently and communicate in a timely manner may have a Secure attachment style
Finally, the holy grail that we all hope to achieve one day — and to imbue into our kids if we have them. Secure attachment is exactly what it sounds like: People who, either via the good parenting they received or lots and lots (and lots) of therapy as an adult, are self-assured, able to self-soothe, and are trusting, accepting, and accommodating of their partners.
So, they text this way, too. "They will be consistent and put forth effort," O'Dell said, responding in a timely fashion and seeking out their partner for communication, but always with a healthy balance, "allowing a person to have space."
They're also just good communicators all the way around — able to identify and express their thoughts and feelings, proactively letting you know if they're too busy to respond and not sweating it if they don't hear back from you immediately, either.
Of course we'd all love to be, and be with, someone with secure attachment, but sometimes it's just not the case — and people with the other three attachment styles can have many wonderful attributes and be great partners.
The key is to realize where these communication styles may be coming from and how to interpret their behavior. That way, you can effectively communicate your needs and work through any mismatches — or, perhaps even more importantly, identify whether this challenge is actually a fundamental incompatibility that's a dealbreaker.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.