11 Phrases That Instantly Reveal Someone Is Insecure About Themselves
When someone is insecure, they don't always do a good job of hiding it.
Kiselev Andrey Valerevich | Shutterstock Feeling insecure is a fundamental part of being human, but instead of being a unifying experience, it alienates us from each other. It convinces people that they don't deserve love, success, or happiness. There's a common theme running through the phrases that instantly reveal someone is insecure about themselves: fear.
Whatever the intricacies of someone's insecurities are, they always come down to fear: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being judged. Insecurity can be so overwhelming, it tricks people into thinking they're the only ones who have ever felt this way before. Insecurity is a powerful force, but human connection is even stronger. The more people open up about their insecurities, the less alone they feel.
Here are 11 phrases that instantly reveal someone is insecure about themselves
1. 'I'm so bad at this'
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Insecurity pushes people's self-doubt to the surface, making them feel like they can't do hard things. Their self-perception gets so warped, they lose all confidence in their capabilities. Whenever they're faced with a challenging task, they say phrases like "I'm so bad at this" to put themselves down before anyone else can.
Psychologist Camden Baucke, MS, LLP shared that insecurity can make people feel inadequate, which drags down their self-esteem. They worry other people will judge them, so they judge themselves first. They outwardly express what their negative inner critic tells them: They're not good enough.
Talking back to that cruel inner critic isn't easy, but it's the first step to managing insecurity. When someone is insecure about themselves, they have a hard time giving themselves grace. Practicing self-compassion creates space for self-understanding, which allows someone who's insecure to reframe how they think about failure.
Self-acceptance won't erase someone's insecurities completely, but it will make it easier to see mistakes as opportunities to grow. As Baucke explained, "You can accept your entirety, perceived flaws and all, and still recognize that you have an inherent value free from performance or expectations."
2. 'Sorry, I'm being annoying'
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When someone apologizes for their presence, it reveals that they feel insecure about themselves. They worry that they're a burden and that other people don't want to be around them. Wanting to be accepted and appreciated are natural human instincts, but they can be magnified when someone feels insecure. Their magnified concern about what other people think means they seek external validation to prove their worth.
According to experts from the Masters Counseling Practice, social insecurity makes people feel like they don't fit in. They carry deep-seated anxiety that no one really likes them, which often stems from their childhood experience.
Being raised by emotionally distant or conditionally supportive parents often leaves kids with a shaky sense of self. Because they weren't validated during their tender developmental years, they grow up to feel deeply inadequate and unworthy.
Social insecurity often leads to social anxiety, which makes it hard for people to show up in an authentic way. They struggle to open up and share who they really are with others, because they're worried they'll be rejected, just for being themselves.
3. 'I could never pull that off'
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One of the phrases that instantly reveal someone is insecure about themselves is "I could never pull that off," which exposes the undercurrent of self-doubt that exists right under the surface of someone's insecurity.
It's as though their inner critic turned itself outward. They have a hard time blocking out that small, cruel voice inside their head, the one that lists off all their flaws in alphabetical order, whispering that they're not pretty enough or smart enough.
Someone who's insecure thinks they're not enough, that they'll never be enough, so they don't buy the dress with a big, bold floral pattern they secretly love. They don't take chances because other people might see them fail. They define themselves by their flaws, instead of seeing that imperfections are what make them human.
Associate professor of education Ruth Gotian, Ed.D. shared that insecurity can be tamped down by accepting the parts of yourself you don't like. Self-acceptance is easier said than done, yet there are small practices you can put into place.
Instead of tallying up everything that's wrong with you, identify your positive attributes and celebrate your successes. Naming your achievements can be difficult, especially when your inner critic is shouting. Think about your tiniest victories: You made your bed. You ate lunch, even though you were busy. You walked the dog for an hour, feeling the late afternoon sun on your skin.
Set goals you can break into parts and tackle one part each day. Just keep going, step by step. Remind yourself that you're a work in progress, just like everyone else. Confidence can't be built overnight, but making a regular habit of recognizing your strength will guide you to loving yourself more.
4. 'I don't have any special skills'
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While it's not always obvious from the outside looking in, intellectual insecurity can make people doubt their intelligence and their abilities. They reprimand themselves for even the smallest mistakes. They have a hard time recognizing that being wrong doesn't mean they're worthless. They judge themselves based on other people's skillsets, which makes them feel inferior. They're trapped by their own negative feedback loop and can't see how much value they truly have.
When someone says "I don't have any special skills," it reveals how deep their insecurities go. They're so hard on themselves, they lose sight of an essential truth: Being authentically themselves is a skill, all on its own.
We spend a lifetime absorbing the message that our worth is directly tied to our jobs, our productivity, our appearance, all these external things. It's no wonder so many people develop a sense of conditional self-esteem, telling themselves they're a terrible person who can never do anything right.
Everyone has special skills, even when they're not traditionally defined as such. You might not be able to do one thing, but you can do another. Once you stop defining yourself by what you're lacking and honor yourself for everything you have, you'll find confidence and inner peace.
5. 'I shouldn't have even tried'
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When someone is insecure about themselves, they tend to stay in their own lane. They avoid taking risks or putting themselves in unfamiliar situations. Their fear of making mistakes runs deep.
Their insecurity holds them back from trying new things. Whenever they step out of their comfort zone and do something they've never done before, they criticize themselves for not being perfect right away. They say phrases like "I shouldn't have even tried," which undermines how brave they were for facing the challenge, at all.
Elementary school teacher and author KJ Walton shared her intention to cultivate a classroom environment based around a growth mindset. "Having a growth mindset is about progress and change," she explained, noting that it "helps us to recognize the importance of challenge, struggle, mistakes and failure in learning and innovation."
We're told to get straight As in school, to hit every mark at our jobs. We're taught to equate imperfection with abject failure, when really, making mistakes is the only way to improve.
When an insecure person says "I shouldn't have tried," they're cutting themselves down for being brave. Their insecurity clouds their vision, making it impossible to see that the act of trying is a victory, plain and simple.
6. 'I'll never be successful'
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Someone who says "I'll never be successful" reveals how insecure they feel and how lost they are in the comparison trap. They define their own success by measuring it against other people's success, and they always come up short. They minimize their achievements. They interpret every setback as proof that they're failing. They never feel like they're enough.
According to neuroscientist Eser Yilmaz M.S., Ph.D., having healthy self-esteem is the foundation for valuing yourself as a person. Someone with a healthy, balanced sense of self-esteem knows that they matter, even when they mess up. Self-esteem is complemented by self-confidence, which allows people to see their skills, abilities, and talents in a positive light.
Feeling insecure erodes self-esteem and confidence, but those beliefs can be built back up. Reassessing your values and long-term goals can help provide perspective, so you see everything you've built for yourself so far, and acknowledge how successful you really are.
7. 'I'll probably just embarrass myself'
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No one is a stranger to embarrassment, but some people can shake it off easier than others. Insecure people often feel embarrassed at a heightened level. They're scared of rejection and judgment, and they struggle to see that doing something awkward or embarrassing doesn't automatically define their entire identity.
A phrase that instantly reveals someone is insecure about themselves is "I'll probably just embarrass myself," which is a self-protective act. The hyper-critical voice in their head stops them from making themselves vulnerable. Negative self-talk often indicates they were raised in a judgmental home, where love was conditional and transactional, as opposed to freely given.
As Dr. Lisa Firestone explained in her co-authored book "Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice," "The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes... As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others."
Learning to lower the volume of your critical inner voice takes patience and self-compassion. Treating yourself gently takes practice, but it's the greatest gift you can give yourself.
8. 'I don't know why you put up with me'
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When someone is insecure, it doesn't only impact the way they see themselves, it also impacts the way they show up in their relationships. Their self-doubt is so overpowering, they question why anyone wants to be with them. Yet the lack of security they feel has less to do with their partner's behavior, and much more to do with their own insecurities.
If they let their insecurities go unchecked, their doubt will get bigger and bigger, until it devours anything good they share with their partner. They undermine their own happiness because deep down, they don't think they're deserving of love.
Without a solid sense of self-love, a romantic partnership doesn't have legs to stand on. When people do the hard emotional labor involved in recognizing their inherent worth, they can show up for each other in a more authentic way.
9. 'Sorry for overreacting'
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Feeling insecure makes it almost impossible for people to own their feelings. They hold onto the misguided belief that they should be happy all the time. Whenever that facade cracks open and reveals their messier, more negative emotions, they say sorry for showing up in an imperfect way.
When someone is insecure about themselves, they apologize for overreacting, as though they're supposed to act like a shiny, dispassionate robot, and not the living, breathing human they are.
Saying sorry for having feelings reveals how emotionally insecure they are. They get scared that expressing how they feel will land them with the label of being "too sensitive," when really, there's no such thing.
Insecure people minimize their feelings, so they fit into the narrow boxes that other people want to keep them in. People can't survive or thrive within such rigid confines. Allowing ourselves to feel everything without fear of judgment validates our existence and our lived experience.
10. 'You're just saying that to be nice'
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Insecure people respond to compliments by declaring, "You're just saying that to be nice." They have such a hard time seeing their own positive attributes, they automatically assume that people who compliment them don't actually mean what they say. Their insecurity doesn't just sew seeds of self-doubt, it plants the idea that other people are dishonest and insincere.
Without a core sense of confidence and a basis of self-belief, it's essentially impossible for people to feel valued. As licensed clinical social worker Kathleen Hanagan shared, self-compassion sets you free, so that "You are not strapped with feelings of inadequacy and the belief that you are not enough... Confidence is an evolving state of being that increases over time once you have had the self-compassion to fully shine in your own life."
11. 'I'll probably mess this up'
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Someone who is insecure about themselves moves through their own life like they're walking on eggshells. They preface everything they do with the phrase "I'll probably mess this up," which is intended to lower other people's expectations. This phrase is steeped in self-loathing. It shines a spotlight on an insecure person's fear of failure, while asking for reassurance.
Psychologist Nick Wignall pointed out that "reassurance-seeking is a subtle habit that trains your brain to see yourself as weak and not confident in the long term... When you rely on other people to make you feel okay, you never learn how to make yourself feel okay."
Insecure people don't want to sit in discomfort, which is why they rely on external validation to boost their self-worth. "We all have doubts and insecurities," Wignall added. "The difference is most people are willing to tolerate a little fear and self-doubt because they know it's normal and they're confident that the feeling will go away if they leave it alone."
How a person handles their insecurities is what matters most. Self-doubt ebbs and flows. Ultimately, it will pass, like all feelings do, but only if we learn to ride that wave and believe that we can make it to the other side.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.