11 Phrases Brilliant People Use When Someone's Playing Devil's Advocate
Even if someone's perspective-giving isn't malicious, it can be subtly dismissive and invalidating in a conversation.
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock Especially when you're looking for support or productive conversation with someone, being consistently met with a "devil's advocate" approach can feel deflating and invalidating. Intended to play "the opposite" side, making excuses or empathizing with the opposing perspective of a person's argument, this conversational tendency doesn't always come with malicious intent, but can spark disconnect amongst connections and relationships when it's overused.
To cope with discomfort or set boundaries with a person who consistently plays this role when you're looking for support or a listening ear, consider adopting one of the phrases brilliant people use when someone's playing devil's advocate. Not only do you encourage someone to self-reflect, you clearly express your needs and expectations, helping cultivate a more productive, healthy, and open space for true, honest communication.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant people use when someone’s playing devil's advocate
1. 'I'd love to know what your opinions are'
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When people play devil's advocate, it's not always a reflection of their own opinions, they just find taking the opposing side to be a productive way to challenge someone's opinions and thoughts.
According to leadership speaker Bryce Hoffman, in a professional setting or at work, this mindset can be incredibly empowering, helping people to brainstorm and get creative with their problem-solving and critical thinking skills.
However, in personal relationships, being presented with alternative perspectives and opinions when you're only looking for support can be dismissive, invalidating, and spark resentment between partners.
By prompting someone like this, using one of the phrases brilliant people use when someone's playing devil's advocate, you can encourage someone to weigh in with their personal opinions without defensiveness or opposition.
Support and vulnerability look different for everyone, but it's important everyone feels heard and understood.
2. 'I understand there are always multiple sides, but I'm not looking to hear them right now'
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While some of the good intentions behind playing devil's advocate can open up insightful conversations, in personal relationships and moments of vulnerability, it's more of a gaslighting behavior intended to spark self-doubt in others, like author and leadership expert Ruchika T. Malhotra explains.
Feeling heard and appreciated in conversations is incredibly important for building trust. But when someone is more committed to diversifying a conversation with external perspectives or "solutions" instead of listening, the person sharing their thoughts feels more invalidated than respected.
3. 'I'd appreciate if you could just support my emotions right now'
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Like experts in Academic Voices argue, emotional support is one of the necessary parts of our personal and social lives. We're happiest when we have people around us that we can both trust and communicate with openly.
Whether it's providing a listening ear or offering up appropriate advice, nobody wants to hear someone playing devil's advocate, advocating for someone else's misguided perspective or beliefs, when all we're seeking is emotional support.
By reminding people of the kind of respect and trust you expect in a conversation, with appropriate boundaries or honest open communication, you can ensure that you surround yourself with people who empower, uplift, and celebrate your words, rather than combat them.
4. 'I'd love if you could hear my opinions, even if you don't agree'
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It's not just a distracted person that invalidates and dismisses our space in conversations, it can also be nonverbal body language behaviors and things like interruptions that take away from our ability to feel heard.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin suggests there's a multitude of reasons why people interrupt in conversations, from hyperactivity, to upholding a certain image, and even actively invalidating other people's space in a social situation.
However, it's not always inherently malicious. While it can be uncomfortable and sometimes awkward to respond to these moments with a phrase like this, it can ensure you're advocating for yourself when you need someone to emotionally support or listen to you.
A person's response to this phrase and boundary can be influential for a future relationship. If they're combative and defensive about playing devil's advocate, they likely hold value in the beliefs they're sharing, or don't care enough about uplifting your voice to make space. If they're apologetic, they likely respect and trust you more, opening themselves up to a more productive conversation.
5. 'Hearing other perspectives can sometimes feel more hurtful than helpful'
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While someone playing devil's advocate may just be challenging your perspective, encouraging you to consider multiple sides of a story or differing beliefs — all of which can be productive in the right situation — these responses to our vulnerability and emotions can feel disheartening.
Sometimes yearning to feel "right" in a conversation or play "a game" with others using this tactic, the phrases brilliant people use when someone's playing devil's advocate reach towards their humanity, rather than their sometimes manipulative tactics and dismissive behaviors.
By using a phrase like this, you can remind people that you're not looking to challenge yourself in a moment of vulnerability with differing opinions or perspectives — you're just trying to feel heard.
6. 'Could you hold off on advocating for the other side right away?'
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Psychotherapist Pamela S. Willsey argues that setting boundaries in a close relationship can feel uncomfortable in certain situations, but practicing the skill can ensure everyone's needs are met. To protect yourself and a conversation from taking an unhealthy turn, a phrase like this can ensure that your needs are communicated — no matter how subtle or insignificant they may seem to someone who's actively dismissing them.
Someone playing devil's advocate may not even realize they're not supporting you by suggesting alternative perspectives, so encouraging them to address and acknowledge your specific needs and concerns can help them into a place where they're better equipped to love and support you.
7. 'What's your goal in bringing this up right now?'
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By taking a more objective approach to addressing your needs in a conversation, using a phrase like this can help to contextualize what you need from a partner, friend, or peer, even in passing moments.
By calling attention to phrases, body language, or perspectives in a conversation that doesn't feel productive or supportive, you offer an opportunity for both people participating to grow and evolve together, into a space where everyone feels more respected and heard.
8. 'I hear you, but I'm honestly not looking for perspective right now'
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If you're questioning someone about their intentions playing devil's advocate and they respond with something like, "I'm just trying to help you see different perspectives," this opens up a perfect opportunity to use this phrase.
By encouraging them to simply support you and your needs in that present moment, you remove the solution-oriented pressure they may feel to solve or fix your discomfort, hurt, or struggle. Rather than growing irritable or ending a conversation, ask them for what you need — whether it's a listening ear or emotional support — rather than expecting them to immediately know.
Oftentimes, the resentment that grows in relationships of all kinds is simply a consequence of miscommunity — parents giving their adult children unsolicited advice or partners trying to "solve" our emotional struggles without listening and hearing.
9. 'I appreciate being challenged, but right now I just need a listening ear'
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While the phrase "devil's advocate" itself has the power to evoke anxious feelings, the true nature, coupled with good intentions, of the behavior can actually lead to healthier conversations and connections in some cases. Especially when working towards a shared goal, introducing new perspectives and challenging existing beliefs can encourage deeper thought and problem-solving.
However, on a more personal level, challenging someone's innate emotions and feelings isn't doing anyone any favors; in fact, it's more invalidating and dismissive than someone playing devil's advocate in a professional setting like the workplace would be.
By using a phrase like this, you can simultaneously appreciate someone's good intentions of trying to bring perspective to a conversation, while also expressing your needs. Truly healthy communication, especially in an existing relationship, is founded on active listening, the kind of support we all need and are deserving of.
10. 'I'm confident in my perspective, I'd appreciate if you'd hear them out'
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Occasionally, someone playing devil's advocate is utilizing the strategy to plant seeds of doubt in people they don't agree with or are trying to assert misguided superiority over. By using a phrase like this to express confidence and self-assuredness, you set a boundary without having to confront someone's manipulation.
Instead of focusing on their tactics, you bring attention back to your own confidence, reminding them that you won't be swayed by someone intending to spark anxiety or insecurity in you.
Like Charlan Nemeth explains in their book "In Defense of Troublemakers," there's power in speaking out against the majority or challenging the status quo. But in a passing social interaction or with a partner, it's important to be empathetic and still support, listen to, and appreciate another person's opinions and perspectives, even if they're not the same as yours.
11. 'Can we come back to the main issue?'
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According to psychologist and researcher Jeremy Sutton, PhD, sometimes, the key to a productive conversation lies in the ability for both people to empathetically listen. That means helping everyone to feel more heard and valued by acknowledging and expressing emotions back to each other. With this shared understanding, respect, and empathy, a phrase like this can re-focus a conversation without defensiveness or unnecessary frustration.
If the person you're speaking to genuinely has your best interest in mind, they won't feel a need to continue playing devil's advocate at the expense of your well-being. Everyone deserves to feel heard and supported in vulnerable conversations, not criticized and challenged.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.