Kids Who Can't Stand Their Parents Once They Grow Up Usually Have These 12 Reasons
It's possible to heal a parent-child relationship, but it takes consistency, communication, and trust.
Gustova Svetlana | Shutterstock With the disconnect that comes naturally between parents and their children once they enter adulthood, it can be difficult for many families to navigate shifting expectations, new boundaries, and communication. While toxicity and poor communication often stems from childhood experiences, the ability to evolve as kids enter adulthood is required from parents to maintain a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, there are certain reasons kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up feel pressured to cut back on contact and reimagine their family dynamic. From starting their own families, to investing in their personal growth, and finding security at work, having to manage and heal from childhood trauma can be a full-time job, especially if harmful behaviors and their parents' emotional manipulation is still ever-present in their life.
Here are 12 reasons kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up usually have
1. They don't feel emotionally safe
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As a study published in Development and Psychopathology suggests, many children learn to adopt defense mechanisms against perceived social threats as a result of their parent's insecurity and inconsistency early in life.
Rather than finding safety and security with their parents, both emotionally and physically, these kids feel the need to protect themselves against anger, emotional outbursts, and criticism. In adulthood, these tendencies can sabotage their ability to make and maintain healthy connections with others, from their professional life to their intimate personal one.
Even when expressing adult struggles and asking for advice from their parents later in life, kids who don't feel emotionally safe will never find the fulfillment they're yearning for from a family dynamic — only resentment, frustration, and consistent disappointment.
2. Their parents overstep their boundaries
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While healthy parents take the time to acknowledge and uphold their adult children's boundaries, whether they're intended to facilitate healthier communication, space, or more productive arguments, emotionally manipulative parents tend to sabotage them.
Not only do they actively overstep, they may even rely on gaslighting techniques to urge their kids to disrespect their own boundaries and beliefs, yearning for a sense of co-dependency that externally fulfills their misguided self-esteem.
Kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up are often actively fighting against their parents to uphold their own autonomy and independence, but healthy parents celebrate these experiences, rather than criticize them.
3. They feel pressured to spend time with family
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Whether it's geographic distance or emotional vulnerability that distances parents from their adult children, many end up growing resentful feelings about experiencing the disconnect that's inevitable as children grow and start a new stage in their lives.
Parents who guilt-trip and pressure their children into spending time with them aren't truly embracing the joys of quality time together, introducing uncomfortable feelings of shame into a family dynamic. Instead, parents comfortable in their identity and with this inevitable disconnect will help their kids to set expectations and healthy boundaries.
From a scheduled call to a visit for the holidays, they respect their adult children's needs, letting them come home when they feel comfortable and check-in when it makes sense for them. Obviously, everyone has their needs, but a bit of compromise goes a long way, especially for families.
4. Their parents speak poorly about them behind their back
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A great deal of the resentment that adult children harbor towards their parents starts early in life, when their parents consistently dismiss their needs, fail to be emotionally supportive, and provide them opportunities to learn, grow, and embrace their authentic selves.
Not only do they tend to learn anxious and avoidant behaviors in response to true vulnerability, they learn to safeguard their own emotions, struggling to trust others — as a result of their parent's behaviors — with their uncomfortable feelings. Part of this insecurity and struggle with trust reimagines itself when parents speak poorly about their children behind their backs in adulthood.
Like a study from The Academy of Management Review suggests, gossip can quickly sabotage trust in a relationship, urging adult kids to fall back into the "fight or flight" responses they were forced to adopt as kids. Even if it's with other family members or friends, a parent's tendency to spread rumors and criticize their kids is just as toxic in conversations together as it is behind their back.
5. Their parents don't accept their differing beliefs
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According to counselor Dr. Rachel Glik, recent shifts in values and beliefs, especially with younger generations of adults, has contributed to a great deal of tensions between parents and their adult kids.
Not only is this generational gap in societal opinions and values causing more disconnect between toxic family dynamics, especially those unable to have open, honest, and productive conversations, it's urging kids to develop resentment with their parents.
From discussions about mental health, to childhood trauma, and new-age parenting expectations, adult kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up usually feel guilty for expressing their opinions to their parents, shamed by the rigidity of their insecure parent's "black and white" belief systems.
6. They don't feel comfortable discussing their childhood
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According to a study published in Development and Psychopathology, many children learn to internalize their uncomfortable emotions and experiences from a young age — whether to "keep the peace," protect themselves from their parent's outbursts, or defend themselves against a misguided idea of vulnerability.
When they enter adulthood, with resources to heal and learn from their childhood experiences and trauma, it may spark these repressed feelings to come to the surface. Healthy parents, while they may not agree with or share the same experiences as their kids, take the time to support and acknowledge these feelings, rather than shame them away.
Kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up usually don't feel comfortable bringing up their childhood around their parents. They feel blamed and guilted by their parents with phrases like, "Oh, I did the best I could," or, "You didn't seem that unhappy at the time."
7. Their accomplishments go unnoticed
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The subtle disconnect between parents and their children into adulthood is inevitable, like experts from the Newport Institute suggest, especially as they start their own families, careers, and personal lives outside a family home or away from their families.
However, parents with healthy connections with their kids are still present in their lives — celebrating their accomplishments, occasionally checking in over the phone, or supporting their kids through the struggles they choose to share. They don't hold resentment towards their kids for embracing their independence; rather, they celebrate them in living a life perfectly crafted to their unique desires and needs.
Emotionally immature and manipulative parents may actively try to sabotage their kids' success, hoping to boost their own self-esteem by urging their kids to "need them" in similar ways to growing up. Not only does this spark further disconnect and resentment, it's one of the reasons why kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up tend to cut off contact completely.
8. They struggle with open communication
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Many adult children may struggle to form healthy relationships founded on open communication in their adult lives, largely due to their childhood experiences and the connection they shared with a parent.
According to a study from the American Journal of Speech-Language Pathology, kids who were forced to compensate for an emotionally immature parent enter into adulthood with less healthy communication skills — which, when acknowledged as an adult, can spark resentment in a parent-child relationship.
Not only were they not awarded the opportunity to learn the foundational social skills required for healthy, fulfilling relationships later in life, they were forced to put their needs aside for the benefit of their parent's ego, happiness, or comfort.
Of course, not being able to communicate — on both sides of the aisle — can lead to a lot of unproductive conflict, tension, and resentment that fuels kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up.
9. Their parents never take accountability
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According to a Smith College research paper, many toxic parents with narcissistic tendencies sabotage their relationships with their adult children by failing to take accountability for their hurtful language and actions. Even if it's simply acknowledging a child's struggle from childhood and supporting them with their emotions, toxic parents would prefer to play the victim and blame-shift than apologize and focus on growth.
Many of the kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up get tired of having to "parent" their own family members, whether it's making them comfortable by "keeping the peace" or being the target of their emotional manipulation in the face of uncomfortable arguments and conflict.
10. Their parents are overly critical of them
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While it might be hard to address or acknowledge, parental jealousy towards adult children isn't entirely uncommon, at least according to experts like licensed psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith. Fueled by their own internal insecurities, envious parents use their children to seek solace in their own uncomfortable feelings, using manipulative behaviors to spark similar feelings in their kids.
Even into adulthood, these parents may refuse to celebrate or even agree with their children's life achievements and decisions, hoping to deteriorate their kids' autonomy and feel "needed" again. Just like any other insecure and externally validated person, they want to share their hurt with others, even at the expense of a healthy relationship.
On the other side of the same manipulative coin, parents trying to protect their perfect family image to others, hoping to gain validation for their perceived "success" as a parent, may also be overly critical of their kids. Whether it's policing their decisions or setting unrealistically high standards, these kids feel unsupported by parents who are only looking for perfection.
11. Their parents contact them constantly
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With the burden of care that many adult children face later in life towards their parents, like the book "Family Ties and Aging" suggests, it can be overwhelming and uncomfortable to set boundaries with an overbearing parent who's constantly in touch.
Whether it's unannounced visits or a constant stream of phone calls, kids who can't stand their parents once they grow up are often overwhelmed by the guilt and shame their parents perpetuate with expectations around connection and contact.
12. Their parents refuse to express gratitude
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Not only are overbearing and overprotective parents often unapologetic, failing to take accountability in conflicts with their adult children, they rarely express gratitude and celebrate their kids' accomplishments.
Especially for kids that developed people-pleasing behaviors around their parents early in life — seeking validation and praise when attention was scarce — this lack of appreciation in adulthood can be discouraging and toxic for a healthy connection, as a study published in the European Journal of Trauma & Dissociation explains.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.