Barista Complains Of Feeling ‘Depressed’ Because She Doesn’t Get Hit On At Work
“I feel like a poor person listening to a bunch of rich people complain about how hard it is to have more money than they know what to do with."
PR Image Factory | Shutterstock A college student working as a coffee barista did not expect the job to make her feel insecure about her appearance. However, that is what’s been happening after she noticed how much attention her colleagues received from male customers. You'd think she'd be pleased by the lack of unwanted flirting, but instead, it's made her self-conscious and unhappy.
As a result, she said she feels undesirable and is starting to dread going to work. The discouraged barista shared her dilemma to Slate’s advice column, “Dear Prudence.”
A barista confessed that she feels 'depressed' because she doesn’t get hit on at work like her female co-workers.
The 20-year-old college junior explained that she recently started her first job working as a coffee shop barista, and it has her thinking a lot about her looks. “Before I started this job, I didn’t think I was ugly; not a 10, but at least a 6,” she wrote. “But all my other young and youngish female co-workers get hit on and flirted with constantly by male customers, and this hasn’t happened to me once.”
She went so far as to write, "I’m a good weight with a good figure, I just don’t have the best face or hair. Even the overweight girls with pretty faces get flirted with." She admitted that it made her feel “ugly and depressed,” and she's starting to hate going to work despite the decent pay and generally pleasant environment.
Mix and Match Studio | Shutterstock
“The worst is when my co-workers complain about all the guys who want them and how much they hate it. They don’t seem like they feel scared or traumatized or anything, they just seem to be competing to see who can humblebrag the hardest,” the woman wrote.
“I feel like a poor person listening to a bunch of rich people complain about how hard it is to have more money than they know what to do with all day.” She said she feels especially defeated given the fact that she has never been in a romantic relationship and fears that she may be undesirable.
The barista said she is even considering undergoing cosmetic surgery due to the lack of attention from male customers.
The barista job has made the woman feel like she might be happier working elsewhere, preferably somewhere where she does not have to interact with the public and feel self-conscious about her appearance. However, Prudence had some advice that might change her outlook.
“I think you should keep the job, but you need to do a little reframing about the envy you have for the attention your co-workers are receiving. It’s alienating and painful to be the person who feels excluded from any conversation, even if your co-workers are using humblebragging as a way of dealing with these flirty customers,” she advised the woman.
“You could choose to confide in the kindest-seeming one and confess that you feel left out of these conversations. You could also go in from a curiosity angle and ask them if they genuinely enjoy the attention, or if it ever makes them uncomfortable. (I guarantee they’ll all have at least a few horror stories to share that will make you feel relieved to not have to deal with it!).”
However, if the conversations truly bother her, Prudence recommended that the woman kindly ask them to refrain from talking about it in her presence.
If she is truly unhappy with her physical appearance, Prudence encouraged her to speak with a therapist to address any underlying issues before jumping into cosmetic surgery. “Take yourself on a journey of figuring out what kind of beauty regimens, treatments, or even styling options will make you feel your best,” she shared.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
“Try to think of it not as a way of competing with literal teenagers, who I’m assuming make up a portion of these younger co-workers, but as an experiment in figuring out what works for you.”
The barista is certainly not alone in her feelings. Many people who see their peers being flirted with while they are ignored interpret it as a lack of social validation or attractiveness, leading to feelings of insecurity surrounding their desirability.
Not everyone will express their interest the same way, and not being outwardly flirted with does not mean that others find you unattractive.
Sometimes, people may flirt by asking you questions about yourself or even talking about themselves as an attempt for you to get to know them better. Their flirtations may completely go right over your head!
In many cases, those who may find you attractive are simply just afraid to work up the nerve to be flirty with you, worried that you may reject them or take their comments the wrong way. Prudence agreed that getting hit on by strangers is not an indication of how attractive a person is, even if it may feel that way sometimes.
“In my experience, getting hit on by strangers is usually not so much a measure of how ‘pretty’ they think someone is, but how receptive these men think this person will be for random attention,” she explained. “As someone who has a resting [expletive] face and a generally stony demeanor toward strange men (two things I’ve learned to become proud of, ha), I’ve learned that I just generally give off a ‘do not approach’ vibe that preempts random strangers chatting me up.”
Prudence added, “The type of guy who’s going to be hitting on baristas at the coffee shop is doing it for their own validation. Thus: They’re not going to risk falling flat on their face to a barista who seems hard to impress — or someone who seems as if they know better than to put too much stock in a stranger’s flirtations.”
We’ve all been in situations where friends get more attention, but it's important to consider the messages your friends may be giving off that you’re not.
Does she appear to be more outgoing, therefore easier to approach? Is she batting her eyes at every man who looks her way? Did she flirt first?
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock
Whether her actions are intentional or not, a man may be more receptive to the kind of behavior he believes will make it easier for him to flirt without falling on his face. This does not mean that you are any less desirable than your friend. You may just be a bit more intimidating to approach, and that’s okay!
If anything, you should take it as a compliment that people feel like they need to really work for your attention.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.