11 Phrases Brilliant People Say When Someone Deeply Disappoints Them
The people you love will disappoint you eventually, but it's all about choosing the right words to remedy the situation.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Loving another person involves a certain amount of risk. Letting someone into your life makes you vulnerable. It means you might get hurt or be disappointed at one point. Feeling disappointed by someone you love can be confusing, but it doesn't wash away all the good parts of your relationship.
Sharing your disappointment is part of repairing the damage done, allowing you to move forward. The phrases brilliant people say when someone deeply disappoints them express how hurt they feel, while opening the door to conversations that make their relationship stronger.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant people say when someone deeply disappoints them
1. 'Help me understand what happened'
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This phrase is a gentle and compassionate approach to working through such a difficult feeling. Experiencing some level of disappointment from loved ones is to be expected, since everyone has their imperfections. Understanding where the other person is coming from can help you gain perspective and manage how you feel.
Yet accepting that people you love will make hurtful mistakes doesn't mean you should push your emotions away. Letting yourself feel disappointed is part of healing. As with every painful feeling, facing disappointment without judging yourself is the most self-compassionate approach.
Professor of Health Policy and Management at the City University of New York, Bruce Y. Lee M.D., noted that setting a "disappointment acceptability threshold" can help you navigate relationships. Decide which disappointments you can accept and which are totally deal-breakers. Asking the other person to walk you through their thought process and consequent actions can help you make peace.
2. 'I'm having a hard time processing this'
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When someone deeply disappoints them, brilliant people say, "I'm having a hard time processing this." We have to find a way to process every emotional challenge we face. Unprocessed emotions are like quicksand: We don't notice we're sinking until we're in so deep, we can't escape.
Life coach Maria Tomas-Keegan said that feeling disappointed is rooted in the hopes we have and needs that don't get met. "Disappointment comes when you expect something to happen or be true, and your expectation is unfulfilled," she explained. "You're let down by the circumstance or the person, causing you to feel deeply sad or betrayed."
Expressing disappointment out loud is a way to recognize the gap between the expectations you had and what really happened. Everyone processes at their own pace, and brilliant people share that struggle by giving voice to it.
3. 'I feel hurt but I want to work through this together'
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"I feel hurt but I want to work this through together" is a phrase brilliant people say when someone deeply disappoints them. This phrase captures the inherent nuances of disappointment.
We can hold extreme pain and intense affection at the same time. Being human means allowing for the complexity of our emotions. When we accept the way we feel, we're eventually able to release it.
Feeling disappointed doesn't have to be the endpoint of a relationship. You can shift the narrative and turn disappointment into something you and a loved one handle as a team. The silver linings might not reveal themselves right away, but working through disappointment can bring you closer together. Brilliant people see disappointment as a learning experience, one that outlines places for growth.
4. 'Let's discuss how we're going to rebuild trust'
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This phrase shows that brilliant people are willing to take whatever happened with grace and treat the other person with mercy. They're not walking away or telling the other person to leave, but they're expecting that person to step up and take true accountability for themselves.
Trust is the foundation of every relationship, but it's not something that's freely given. It has to be earned and maintained. According to experts at Cleveland Clinic, rebuilding trust can take weeks, months or even years for a relationship to get back to "normal."
Committing to changing disappointing behavior is a commitment for the future. People in healthy relationships commit and recommit to each other all the time. They assess the impact of their actions and stay open to changing their course.
Regaining someone's trust can't happen instantaneously. It's one part of a longer journey. It takes time to build back trust when it's been lost, but it's not impossible, as long as both people work together from a place of love.
5. 'I need space to think about how to move forward'
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It's totally normal to have mixed feelings about someone who's disappointed you. This phrase exists in the gray space of mixed feelings, revealing just how complicated it can be to manage disappointment.
Psychologists from The Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy shared the importance of letting yourself experience the full range of emotions that accompany being disappointed. They described the process as "riding the wave of disappointment."
"Part of healthy coping with disappointment is reminding yourself that disappointment is like a wave — ride it until it passes," they explained. Avoiding disappointment won't make it go away. By naming it and voicing it, you're validating your emotional experience, which can prepare you to eventually release it.
"Being kind toward yourself and validating the feeling can help you ride out a wave of disappointment," therapists from The Manhattan Center concluded.
6. 'This is a setback we can both learn from'
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Brilliant people don't define people solely by their mistakes. They understand that everyone's flaws will manifest in hurtful behavior at some point, yet they still expect their loved ones to be self-reflective and work to understand the underlying reasons for that behavior.
In many ways, a person's sense of peace comes from who they surround themselves with. When relationships operate from a place of chaos, emotional turmoil and continuous disappointment, it's almost impossible to find your center.
As psychologist Nick Wignall explained, "the people you spend time with on a regular basis will have a profound effect on how calm you feel. Consistently calm people... proactively cultivate relationships that are supportive... When you surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you and who willingly support you when times are tough, that calmness you crave is something that grows naturally, not something you have to constantly fight for."
7. 'I appreciate your honesty, even though this is hard to hear'
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This phrase acknowledges the emotional work that the other person has done to show up and be truthful without excusing the harm they caused. Sharing how hard it is to hear the truth is a way for the disappointed person to hold space for the validity of their emotions.
Being in a relationship requires both people to come to the table willing to find common ground. That common ground won't always lead to compromise, but it does give each person the chance to share where they're coming from. Meeting each other where they're at can at least be a starting point to figure out where to go from here.
8. 'How can I support you so this doesn't happen again?'
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A phrase brilliant people say when someone deeply disappoints them is "How can I support you so this doesn't happen again?" This phrase captures true compassion. Instead of holding onto extreme anger, it shows that the disappointed person is looking ahead. They're thinking about the future and centering the other person.
This phrase gets the point across that the disappointed person won't tolerate being treated poorly, but they're channeling their hurt into their vision for a shared future. They're keeping an open mind and focusing on reconciliation, instead of making a home out of pain.
9. 'I'm upset, but I don't want this to define our relationship'
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This phrase paves a path for forgiveness to be offered and fully received. By saying this phrase, the person who feels disappointed is acknowledging that they want to move forward together. They hope to bridge the canyon between their expectations and what really happened.
As Tomas-Keegan wisely pointed out, "Things are as they are. We suffer because we imagine things would be different." When it comes to facing disappointment, "You may have a sense of loss or regret. There may be a period of mourning. Mourning is all normal, and you can learn how to move on," she revealed.
"On the other end of disappointment, there is hope," Tomas-Keegan concluded. "This is where you can find new perspectives and possibilities."
10. 'I'm open to hearing your plan for making this right'
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People in relationships will be disappointed by each other. It might not feel good, but it is unavoidable, even when you set reasonable expectations. But when brilliant people are disappointed by someone, they say, "I'm open to hearing your plan for making this right."
Everyone needs an outlet to express negative feelings that come with disappointment. When no such outlet exists, bitterness and resentment will keep building up. According to clinical social worker Assael Romanelli PhD, you can choose to see disappointment as a window, a map, or an invitation.
Seeing disappointment as a window lets you interpret your partner's actions as a clear view into their inner world. Expressing your expectations and talking about next steps is a way to hold each other accountable and nourish your partnership.
Taking the approach that disappointment is a map lets you understand your own needs, hopes, and expectations. It lets you trace a line from the starting points of your disappointment to routes toward resolution. If you disappoint your partner, you can see the discontent they feel as an invitation to step up and show up for your relationship in new ways.
11. 'I feel let down, but I know mistakes happen'
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This phrase acknowledges a core truth of being human: Mistakes will always happen, no matter how much you love someone. Feeling disappointed is an entirely valid way to experience another person's mistake.
Tomas-Keegan pointed out that disappointment is never just one emotion, but rather, many emotions at once. "Sadness, regret, grief, anger, betrayal, and heartbreak are all tangled up in disappointment," she explained.
Turning the compassion you hold for others inward will light your path to come out the other side of disappointment to something new. "Disappointments are not meant to destroy you," Tomas-Keegan concluded, "They are meant to strengthen you."
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.