Widowed Grandmother Learns Her Son Cut Her Off Because She Never Offered Him Financial Assistance
She would take multiple vacations a year as he struggled to pay off his students loans.
fizkes | Shutterstock A mother whose son distanced himself from her significantly after he graduated college finally mustered up the courage to ask him what went wrong. She was not expecting his response. According to the woman’s son, she never offered to share her wealth with them, which left them feeling neglected.
The woman lives a fairly comfortable life, going on vacations multiple times a year and owning more than one property while her son is struggling to pay bills. Now, she is wondering how she can mend their strained relationship.
A widowed grandmother learned that her son distanced himself from her because she never helped him financially.
Sharing her story to Slate’s advice column, the widow in her late 60s revealed that her adult son, “Christopher,” distanced himself from her after he graduated college. He went on to get married and have a family of his own, and the woman has yet to meet her 7-year-old granddaughter. “I always just quietly accepted this because I didn’t want to be one of those parents who complains about their child cutting them off, and whom everyone assumes is an abusive monster,” the woman wrote.
However, when she and her son spoke on the phone over Christmas, the woman finally pressed him on why he had become so distant. His response was not what she was expecting. “I was shocked when he told me he and his wife have always felt that I didn’t care about them, because I’ve never helped them financially,” she wrote.
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The grandmother said her son and his wife have always had money problems.
“My granddaughter needed a surgery shortly after birth that they are still paying off, along with both their college loans. They live in a two-bedroom apartment, they’ve never taken a vacation, and they can’t even afford a dog or cat, which Christopher says his daughter wants very badly,” she wrote.
“She goes to a public school that does not challenge her, where shootings are a constant fear. They want to send her to private school, but can barely even afford to save for college. They also wanted to have another child, but can’t afford to, and given my daughter-in-law’s age, that will soon be moot.”
The grandmother, on the other hand, worked for a brief period of time after graduating college and quit her job after getting married since her late husband left her in an “excellent” financial position. “I own two homes: the five-bedroom house that Christopher grew up in and a smaller, three-bedroom beach house. I have two precious French bulldogs who each cost more to keep healthy than a typical child,” she wrote.
“I buy a new car every other year, go on cruises once or twice a year, and have never had to shop at Walmart — all without touching my principal.”
The grandmother was baffled that her son chose to resent her for her financial comfort instead of just asking for help.
“Not that I necessarily would have said yes, but I would have appreciated having a choice!” she admitted.
The woman’s daughter-in-law’s family, on the other hand, are immigrants and are not in the best financial situation themselves.“Yet they have a very close relationship with her parents, who watch my granddaughter every day after school. Apparently if you can’t afford to give them anything, they won’t expect it!” she added.
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Now, the woman is wondering how she can bridge the gap between herself and her son.
“Would I be rewarding my son and daughter-in-law for being greedy and materialistic if I offered to pay off their debts, maybe send my granddaughter to private school, or even help them buy a house in a better school district, in return for more frequent calls and the occasional visit? Or should I just write them off and leave my estate to the Church?” she asked.
The fact is, times are hard. According to a recent survey from Savings.com, of 1,000 parents, 47% reported providing ongoing financial assistance to their adult children. According to the data, the parents who help out are giving an average of $1400 a month to adult kids for everything from housing expenses and groceries to health insurance costs. Whether the financial assistance really helps remains to be seen, but as prices continue to remain high and salaries stay stagnant, things don't appear to be changing anytime soon.
Writer and researcher Kristin Wong responded to the confused and heartbroken grandmother, noting that money is rarely just about dollars and cents.
“Money holds symbolic value for all of us, and to your son and his wife, financial support could be tied to emotional support, care, or even love,” Wong wrote.
“It’s easy to characterize them as greedy and resentful, but consider another explanation: Maybe, given all their struggles and your relative ease, he feels unimportant and neglected. Money is a resource, and it seems to be one that’s readily available to you, so I can see why your son is interpreting your lack of financial help as a lack of care.”
While Wong acknowledged that the woman appears to care for her son, he is likely unaware of it.
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“It’s time for the both of you to get to the bottom of this estrangement. Before you make any decisions about what to do with your estate, talk to your son without holding judgment or making assumptions,” she advised.
“Ask him why he didn’t reach out to ask for financial help. Ask what that financial help would have represented for him. Ask how you can be a part of his life in the future, beyond helping out with money. You worked up the courage to ask why he doesn’t talk to you anymore, and you were shocked at the response. There’s probably a lot more here to uncover.”
While financial decisions are ultimately different in every family, it is important to set expectations and talk openly and honestly about finances with loved ones.
If parents have the financial means to help their kids without sacrificing their own security or future needs, they may choose to offer their support.
However, there is no rule stating that parents must pay off their children’s debts, and if they do not or simply don't have the means to help, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t care about them.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.