Playing Pickleball Tested My Marriage — Until We Elevated Our Pickleball EQ
What does pickleball have to do with marriage? A lot, actually.
Marc Serota | Unsplash “That guy” (hopefully, not your partner) makes an off-color joke. “Read the room,” you mutter. That requires emotional intelligence (EQ), and he doesn’t have it!
Pickleball is no different. Reading your partner on the court is the best way to avoid a battleground of fits, frustration, and questionable life choices.
We typically know when we’re being our pleasant, joyous selves, and we mostly demonstrate it when we’re playing with our friends and even strangers. You’ve seen the memes.
We are friendly and forgiving: “Bad luck,” we claim in an attempt to excuse our friend’s terrible shot. “Next time,” we say, with hopeful encouragement. But when we play with our partners, the same friendliness and niceties go straight out the window.
Condemnation. “What was that!” Accusations. “That was going out!” No grace is given to the person we are sleeping with. Instead, we hold each other to the highest standards, which are unmeetable, unreasonable, and irrational. Failure waiting to happen.
When we step onto the court with our spouse, we may have every intention to play our best, rock the fundamentals, and have a great time playing together. Yet, in less than three seconds, after the first ball is served, we devolve into finger-pointing, griping, not-fun-to-play-with jerks. What the heck happens?
You may be the smartest player on the court, but if you lack awareness, humility, and self-control, you are not fun to play with and your lack of Pickleball EQ is glaring.
koldo_studio / Shutterstock
Pickleball is testing my 8-year marriage.
We both love the game, but now that my husband and I are playing together, we are at each other’s throats. It’s crazy.
With the amount of pressure we put on each other, you’d think we were being scouted for the PPA. We are not! But we act as if our lives depend on every next point.
We’ve never needed to go to marriage counseling or experienced this in any other aspect of our lives. And yet, we love playing and want to play together. Does anyone have a good pickleball therapist?
As the Abba song says, “Knowing me, knowing you (a-ha) There is nothing we can do.” Oh wait ... that’s a break-up song. No irony here.
IQ is your intelligence quotient measures your cognitive capacity and includes things like logic, reasoning, and problem-solving. Being smart on the court is an advantage when it comes to outplaying your opponent.
EQ is your emotional intelligence — your self-awareness, self-control, motivation, empathy, and social skills. You can imagine, that both IQ and EQ are important in successfully navigating the game of pickleball, let alone the game of life.
But if you’re wondering which one matters more for mastering the court with your spouse? It is EQ for sure.
To navigate the dynamics of your duo, focus on elevating your individual and partnership — pickleball EQ.
Well, the good news is you can dial up your Pickleball EQ and make the experience of playing pickleball with your significant other fun.
It starts with knowing me and knowing you. By the way, this is a good section to read out loud to your partner.
Knowing me: Ask yourself, what sort of headspace am I in? Am I anxious or angry? Delighted or excited? How can I get grounded so I can stay focused on the game?
Knowing You: This is all about your awareness of your partner: What sort of headspace is your spouse in? Since you can’t read your lover’s mind (nope . . . You can’t!), why not take a moment and check in with them before the game starts? Share a bit about how you’re feeling too.
This kind of clarity is bonding and is a game-changer for smoother vibes on the court. It also helps you learn as a couple how to check in with each other in other areas of your life.
Mental Toughness
It is frustrating as a partner to run for all the tough shots, get them back over the net, and nail that fabulous ATP … only to have your partner casually hit the ball straight into the net.
We have been on both sides of that play and it sucks! You’re almost asking for a kitchen knife moment. However, if you want to salvage the game and perk up the vibe, then dial up your self-control.
Yes, you will naturally want to criticize, finger-point, and declare your disgruntlement with a thunderous eye roll. But what if you didn’t? What if you restrained yourself from saying something mean? What if you used that mythological self-control everyone talks about?
You can. Even when you think your partner is breaking the first rule of pickleball and being a jerk, resist the urge to join them. Stay high, when they go low.
One more rule to abide by, the third rule of pickleball, if you will, is the Platinum Rule. While the Golden Rule is much more widely known and is about treating others in the way YOU want to be treated, The Platinum Rule is much more impactful for the pickleball court.
Dave Kerpen, author of the book The Art of People, coined the term and defines the rule as ‘do unto others as THEY would want done to them.’ Everyone is different so if we treat them how we want to be treated, that might not fly. Instead, treat your spouse the way they want to be treated on the court and watch what happens.
On the drive to the courts, you’re excited. You get to do something fun with your partner, your person, who happens to be the last person you’d ever want to hurt. So get Platinum. Find your self-control and don’t be a jerk.
Take a page out of Ted Lasso’s playbook. According to Ted, a goldfish only has a three-second memory span. When he tells his team to be a goldfish, he’s telling them to “forget about it.” Move on.
This is an important lesson for all of us, especially the overachievers. We tend to be hard on ourselves, which frequently translates into being hard on our partner too.
Dwelling on the mistakes of the past keeps you squarely in the past. Sure, learn from the mistake. Play better. And move on.
pics721 / Shutterstock
Couples with shared interests like each other more and feel greater understanding and empathy for each other. How you react when your partner drives a shot into the net or swings for the rafters and hits one long is a choice. Offering your spouse support and encouragement goes much further than slinging swears!
Here’s another opportunity to invoke the third rule of pickleball. Be Platinum. Treat your partner how they want to be treated when they make a mistake. We all make mistakes so don’t be a jerk about it.
Understand that if your partner’s doing the best they can, in the situation they’re in, do you want to make them feel bad by taking out your frustration on them? Just 20 minutes ago, they were your person.
If you want to elevate your Pickleball IQ, then do that, but not at the expense of your Pickleball EQ and never at the expense of the relationship.
Pickleball IQ and strategy can be worked on individually or as a couple. It will help you decide what shots to take, how to be strategic, and how to move together on the court.
But none of it will matter without Pickleball EQ because you or your spouse storming off the court or vowing never to play together again is never a path to a happy ending.
On the court, Zach and I were like oil and water – constantly clashing. He’s the laid-back free spirit, always cracking jokes and chatting with other players. I’m a highly competitive Type A personality, always striving for perfection.
On the court, I couldn’t stand his casual attitude, and he couldn’t handle my criticism. We argued constantly, and our performance suffered.
After a particularly embarrassing loss, we had a serious talk. We realized that our differences, while challenging, could also be our greatest strength. My competitive drive could push us to practice harder, and his laid-back attitude could help us stay relaxed and enjoy the game.
We established our own golden rule: only positive talk on the court. We agreed to support each other, celebrate our successes, and learn from our mistakes.
Wow! His positive attitude tempered my competitive spirit, and my drive energized his laid-back demeanor. We became a formidable team, winning several tournaments and earning a reputation as the “Pickleball Odd Couple.”
Pickleball points:
- Read the room (and the court): Awareness is key to avoiding pickleball pitfalls.
- Master your mind, master the court. Increase your mental toughness.
- The Platinum Rule: Treat your spouse the way they want to be treated on the court.
- Be a goldfish. Let that stuff go.
Of all the aspects of Pickleball EQ: court awareness, mental toughness, demonstrating the Platinum Rule, being a goldfish, and showing empathy: which one do each of you want to improve on to advance your pickleball game and your partnership?
This article is an excerpt from the book In A Pickle: How To Master Love And Pickleball And Not Kill Each Other.
Dr. Stormy Hill, OTR/L, is the owner of two occupational therapy businesses helping special education students and adults with mental health challenges. She is a pioneer in the development of sensory rooms in rehab facilities. Stormy has worked for over 14 years as a mental health occupational therapist and is also a certified intimacy coach, founder of Love Deep Lab, and a national speaker on relationships and wellness.
Teri Citterman is the author of From the CEO’s Perspective and a certified executive coach advising senior leaders and CEOs. Known for her direct style, Teri helps CEOs, senior leaders, and executive teams leverage their power and influence to successfully achieve organizational change.