10 Things Parents Unintentionally Do To Make Their Kids Feel Unwanted
No parent is perfect, but the little things are what matter most.
theshots.co | Shutterstock Everyone is bound to make mistakes when it comes to raising kids. Even with good intentions, parents are capable of hurting their kids. The things parents unintentionally do to make their kids feel unwanted are subtle but impactful, and they can deeply affect the way kids see themselves.
Kids build their sense of self-worth around how their parents treat them. Being part of a family is the first relationship kids have. The way their parents treat them forms the foundation for how they approach every relationship that comes after. Parenting from a place of care and respect makes kids feel loved, which gives them confidence to take on the world.
Here are 10 things parents unintentionally do to make their kids feel unwanted
1. Minimizing their concerns
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Parents might not mean to invalidate their kids, but brushing aside their worries for being trivial makes kids feel like they don't matter. Minimizing kids' concerns is harmful, yet overemphasizing them is equally misguided.
Being protective is a natural part of caring for kids, but sometimes, ignoring that instinct is the best thing parents can do. According to the Child Mind Institute, helping kids overcome anxiety requires letting them feel it. By swooping in and removing the cause of their kids' stress, parents inadvertently instill learned helplessness and erode their confidence.
Acknowledging their anxiety is essential, but so is encouraging kids to face their fears. When parents show their kids how to tolerate anxiety, they give them the gift of self-trust. Part of being a successful adult is knowing that they can navigate discomfort and come out stronger on the other side.
2. Yelling when they make mistakes
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There are certain situations in which raising their voice is how parents shield their kids from danger, like chasing a ball down a busy street. Yet yelling at them for doing something wrong makes them feel rejected on a fundamental level, disempowering them.
As parenting coach Mia Von Scha pointed out, "There is one parental duty that we all share, and it can be encapsulated with this one, big question: Am I doing enough to empower my child? The parental home is the place where children can experiment, learn, and explore, trying out different emotions, behaviors, attitudes, and character traits in a safe and loving space."
Von Scha shared that the underlying goal of parenting is "providing a safe space for mistakes to be learned from and messes to be cleaned up... We empower our children by letting them figure things out as they go."
While love and anger can absolutely exist at the same time, communicating anger by yelling makes kids feel unsafe.
3. Spending too much time on their phones
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When parents spend too much time on their phones, it unintentionally makes kids feel unwanted. Parents can't be expected to be "on" all the time. Scrolling on their phones can be a welcome distraction from the stresses of daily life, but there's a right time to zone out to TikTok, and it's not while hanging out with their kids.
No matter how old kids are, they still need to know their parents are paying attention to them. Parents might not care about the same things their kids care about, but putting their phones away and listening to their kids rattle off every dinosaur fact they've ever learned makes them feel appreciated.
Quality time should be just that. Staring at a screen keeps parents from fully connecting with their kids, which is the most valuable thing they can do.
4. Overworking
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Overworking themselves can often make a parent's kids feel unwanted. For most parents, having a job is a key part of being able to provide for their kids.
The hours they devote to work are for a higher purpose: Keeping a roof over their heads and putting food on the table. Working outside the home means that parents get caught in the continuous struggle of figuring out what to focus their energy on.
The shift from working in an office to working from home gives parents more flexibility, but it also blurs the lines between their professional and personal lives. Young kids, especially, don't understand why their parents won't play with them when they're sitting right there. In many ways, remote work has helped parents find balance, but it also makes it harder for them to close their computers and clock out.
Parents who overwork send the subconscious message that their jobs come first, making their kids feel like they're stuck in second place.
5. Not apologizing when they're wrong
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Parents put a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect, which is impossible to achieve. When they do mess up, they worry that admitting they were wrong will make their kids lose respect for them. In reality, not acknowledging mistakes causes kids to internalize the idea they're always wrong and question their parents' love.
On an episode of YourTango's podcast, "Getting Open," Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Frank Anderson revealed that accepting accountability is the only way for parents to be better than their own parents were.
"It's always back to 'How can I be accountable?' Then, it's time to find that same forgiveness and compassion for yourself [that] is so healing to have found for our parents," he said.
According to Dr. Anderson, parental missteps can pave the way to heal generation trauma. "Every moment is an opportunity to repeat, repress, or repair," he concluded.
6. Forgetting to ask about their day
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The chaos of raising kids means that certain details fall through the cracks. Remembering that one kid refuses to eat sandwiches with crust and the other only eats crusts, while keeping track of the carpool schedule, the grocery list, and every other essential piece of family information, can feel overwhelming.
In the rush of after-school activities, it's understandable for parents to forget to ask their kids how school was. Their kids might only offer noncommittal one-word answers every time their parents ask about their day, but it's the act of asking that matters most. They might not admit it, but kids want their parents to be involved in their lives.
Kids need to feel secure, seen, and cared for, and the consistency of being asked the same annoying question every day provides that. If parents can make it to the end of a day with everyone intact, they can claim it as a victory. Forgetting to ask their kids about their day isn't the worst thing in the world, but if it happens consistently, their kids can feel discarded.
7. Dismissing their dreams
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Parents prioritize their kids' happiness by holding space for how they see their lives unfolding. By giving their kids the opportunity to pursue their passions, parents reveal the depth of their love.
Psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler noted that being supportive doesn't mean giving kids carte blanche to do whatever they want; rather, "it means you validate their feelings, encourage them, and get creative when what they want is not something you can provide or think is best for them."
"You can be supportive of their desires without compromising what you think is best. Listening, validating, and then creating a plan (or plan B) together is key to letting your child know you support them," she shared. "You will raise a child who knows they're loved, understands their place in the world and feels secure at any given time."
8. Being impatient
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It's unrealistic to expect parents to never lose their cool, but being chronically short-tempered only elevates tension within a family. Having a patient approach to parenting is crucial to kids' development. Staying level-headed is hard, but channeling an inner calm helps parents co-regulate their kids' emotions.
Parents are models for how their kids enter the world. Offering kids patience as they learn who they want to be is an act of unconditional love.
9. Not acknowledging their wins
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Not every little thing deserves a trophy, but when parents tell their kids how proud they are, they reinforce how important it is to show up and try their hardest. Elevating kids' spirits has the power to boost their confidence and sense of self-efficacy.
Parents who disregard their kids' victories make them feel unimportant, leaving them to wonder how they can access their parents' affection. Celebrating kids for being themselves is a way for parents to share how much love they have to give.
10. Avoiding hard conversations
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Avoiding hard conversations is something parents unintentionally do to make their kids feel unwanted. Wading through the murky waters of their innermost feelings without a map isn't the easiest thing for parents or kids, but it's a key part of connecting on a deeper level and helping kids access and express their emotions.
Sidestepping uncomfortable topics solely because they're uncomfortable teaches kids to be avoidant. They'll inevitably come to equate vulnerability with weakness, which will hold them back from making meaningful relationships as they grow up.
According to psychologist Barbara Becker Holstein, building conversational trust and helping kids open up comes down to one thing: Sharing how you feel.
"We want our kids to see us as perfect vessels, but the truth is that you were a kid once and you've had your share of failures and successes," she explained. "Keeping it real with your kids will make you more relatable and attainable, helping them feel not loved, but heard and understood as well."
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.