11 Subtle Signs Your Best Friend Is Secretly Pulling Away From You
Friendship breakups are hard to go through, but that doesn't mean you can't be prepared.
GaudiLab / Shutterstock Childhood friends or college roommates, it doesn't matter — best friends are the greatest connections people have in this world. Let's face it, you go through a lot with your best friend. From being grounded together to making embarrassing decisions that you both secretly agree to never tell anybody, every single moment spent together is another memory that becomes harder and harder to erase.
So when you notice subtle signs that your best friend is secretly pulling away from you, it's understandably confusing. Though you may never know why it happened, there are signs to look out for that show your best friend is becoming disinterested in the relationship so you can reach out and see if the connection can be saved before it's over forever.
11 subtle signs your best friend is secretly pulling away from you
1. They stop inviting you to places
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Hanging out with your best friend is the greatest feeling in the world. Whether it's a late-night Walmart run or hitting up a new spot for a fun girls' night out, your best friend is always the best person to share these moments with.
That said, it's extremely hurtful when your best friend stops inviting you out to places under the guise of simply forgetting. After a while, it becomes extremely clear that they haven't really forgotten and instead have purposely been excluding you from their life.
On the surface, this might seem random and completely uncalled for, however, a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they stop inviting you out to places.
Most people hate feeling left in the dust. After all, human beings are social creatures that need socialization to thrive. Knowing this, feeling alone can have drastic consequences for your health.
The National Institute of Aging notes that social isolation and loneliness are linked to a plethora of physical and mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and even an increase in mortality rates.
Clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi Psy.D. pointed out that friendships can be difficult to get over as a result of not letting go of the past, friendships ending abruptly, and a fear of being unable to connect with someone like that again.
RELATED: 18 Signs Your 'Ride Or Die' Best Friend Is A Total Fake
2. They text you less
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It can feel like a hit to the heart when your best friend is secretly pulling away from you. When they refuse to answer text messages or only respond once in every blue moon, it can make you feel unimportant and easily replaceable.
According to a study published in Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, feeling ignored often leads people to believe that they're not worthy enough of someone else's attention.
Though some people might not want to admit it, best-friend breakups can be a lot harder than regular breakups. If you're currently going through a friendship breakup, know that you're not alone. Many people have gone through these situations that have left them feeling perplexed. Though they might try to cling onto these old friendships, the truth is, no matter how hard you try you can't force someone to text you back or pick up the phone.
In the end, their desire to remain your best friend also boils down to the actions they take individually. This means that if you've tried to talk to them respectfully and express yourself with grace but they still don't put any effort into communicating, then it might be high time to let go.
Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. stated that if you're distancing yourself for your own well-being, don't feel ashamed. Focus on your healing journey and understand that your own mental well-being should always come first.
RELATED: If You Broke Up With Your Best Friend, Read This
3. They no longer share personal details about their life with you
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As certified best friends, it's normal to share all the juicy gossip and scandalous details with your bestie. Giggling on the phone or in person while gossiping about your personal life can feel exhilarating in the moment.
However, what happens if your best friend no longer shares personal details about their life with you? What does this mean for your once beautiful friendship?
Though you'd like to believe the best, a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they shut you out of their life completely. This type of betrayal can leave you feeling confused and hurt as you struggle to understand where this blockage is coming from. That said, feeling hurt due to their distant nature isn't something you should feel ashamed of.
It's important to understand that humans are social creatures that need socialization to thrive. As a matter of fact, UCLA professor Matthew Lieberman in his first book, "Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect famously wrote that the need for socialization is as great as your need for food, water, and shelter.
RELATED: 9 Signs You Were Surrounded By Fake Friends Growing Up And It's Affecting You Now
4. They avoid making future plans
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Have you ever been in a situation where your best friend avoided making plans with you for the future? Though you might not want to hear it, this is a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you.
According to Goldsmith, "Making plans builds a bond and a stronger sense of security in our hearts." So, when someone refuses to make plans with you or you're always the one to plan things out and pick them up, this is a huge sign they no longer want to have a close relationship with you.
This can be painful to hear. You don't want to think about your best friend saying goodbye and abandoning you when you thought you'd spend forever together. After all, some friends grew up together and faced many challenging moments that have only made them closer. Yet in the end, you also can't force people to stay, even if you really wish they would.
Professor of Philosophy Peg O'Connor Ph.D. added that you can't make another person change no matter how hard you try. As a matter of fact, your stubbornness to keep making it work might have the opposite impact as it causes them to push you further and further away out of resentment.
So, then, what do you do if your best friend won't make plans or make the effort to show up? In truth, you can't do much of anything if you've already tried to talk to them. O'Connor explained that the only way someone can truly change is through their own sheer will and motivation.
5. They treat other friends the same way they used to treat you
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Some of you might have met your best friend in college, while others might have had the privilege of meeting them at recess on the playground. Regardless of how you two met, one thing is for certain: separating from your best friend isn't easy.
That said, a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they treat other friends the same way they used to treat you.
Now, let's be real: feeling replaced is one of the worst feelings in the world. According to the CPTSD Foundation, people who have experienced abandonment in childhood are increasingly likely to have more mental health problems which is often linked to the fear of being abandoned once again. And these effects aren't only seen in children who grew up feeling abandoned by caregivers. Abandonment can impact anyone, even when it happens in adult friendships.
6. They stopped asking you deeper questions
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Remember when you used to stay up late asking your best friend the deepest, albeit, strangest questions known to mankind? Well, asking each other deep questions is one of the best ways to keep your bond in check. According to a study in 2022, asking deep questions — even to strangers — leads to feelings of connectedness and happiness.
A subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they stopped asking your deeper questions. Most people will unconsciously show their disinterest in someone by tuning out the other person completely. This can explain why your best friend seems to zone out when you're together, and also why they stop asking about your personal life. In essence, they're no longer interested in what you do or what you have to say.
For them, this type of behavior might seem acceptable or not a big deal. Yet for you who have to endure their cold attitude, it can feel like a slap to the face and a hit to the heart.
According to coach, author, and President of Covisioning LLC, Marcia Reynolds Psy.D., there are five steps you can take to tell someone how their actions impacted you: explaining why the conversation is important, describing what happened, describing how their behavior made you feel by using I statements (for example I felt this way), asking for what you need going forward, and reinforcing why you're making this request.
RELATED: 8 Healthy Ways To Deal With The Loss Of A Friend
7. They start leaning on others for support and advice
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As best friends, it's natural to rely on each other during tough times. Whether it's a tough semester or a tougher breakup, your best friend is there to give you solid advice and a pat on the shoulder.
Nevertheless, a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they start leaning on others for support and advice.
It's important to remember that people aren't going to spill the beans to those they feel uncomfortable around. Instead, they'd rather go to a trusted source where they feel welcomed with open arms.
If your best friend isn't coming to you for advice, it can be due to a handful of reasons. One, they simply may not feel comfortable with you or close to you anymore. Two, they may feel judged by you and don't want to hear your advice. Or three, they might feel embarrassed to tell you.
Regardless of the reasoning, it's best to ask your best friend directly before jumping to conclusions. After all, in some cases, it can be that they don't even realize that they're engaging in this type of behavior.
However, if they deflect and change subjects then it's best to be wary. Unfortunately, your best friend might secretly be pulling away from you.
8. They keep canceling on you last second
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When you make plans with someone you love, you become even more eager to see their face and catch up with them. In the adult world, it's way too common to become busy and forget to check in on this person. form time to time. So with some free time in your schedule, it becomes extremely important that those around you honor that time frame and do their best to show up as they promised.
Things do happen and sometimes, canceling last minute is unavoidable. However, a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they keep canceling on you last second.
If someone truly respects and loves you then they'll do their best to keep their promises and show up for you. After all, they miss you just as much and are equally excited to see your face. But if your best friend is trying to pull away then they'll do everything possible to avoid seeing you.
This sentiment aligns with a study published in the Journal of Medical Library Association, which found that sometimes people will avoid information if paying attention to it will cause discomfort. In the same way, sometimes your best friend will avoid you simply because they've grown uncomfortable in their friendship with you.
Now, is this a tough pill to swallow? Absolutely, but if your best friend can't bother to show up then it might be time for you to stop making plans. After all, it's unfair to waste time if the other person isn't putting in the same amount of effort. Not only is it extremely hurtful, but it's also disrespectful and tiring in the long run.
9. They seem unhappy around you
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Nobody wants to admit that being around their best friend is beginning to make them unhappy. After all, many people are people pleasers who struggle to say no or assert their boundaries.
Despite this fact, the truth still stands that a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they seem unhappy around you.
Now, hidden unhappiness might be tricky to spot, depending on how well your best friend conceals it. However, according to licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers Psy.D., a few signs that someone is unhappy are if they criticize, don't trust, and have a lack of awe or wonder. This means that in your presence they might complain constantly, refuse to share personal details, ignore you, or straight out seem bored or uninspired.
10. They aren't there for you when you're struggling
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Everyone goes through a bump in the road at some point in their life. Whether it's a terrible breakup or worse, a tragic accident, it's important to have reliable friends to lean on during these trying times. However, a subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they aren't there for you when you're struggling.
It can feel frustrating and disappointing to see your best friends distance themselves when you need them the most. Though you try to forgive and forget, the pain of that betrayal never goes away.
According to the American Psychological Association, loneliness is a dangerous thing and can have devastating consequences for the person involved. Researchers say that things like depression, poor quality sleep, impaired immunity, and function can all be the result of social isolation.
This is why it's important to discuss your feelings openly and honestly with your best friend. Holding in that pain and brushing it under the rug for the sake of friendship will only make the ache in your heart hurt more. Being honest and telling them how you feel will prevent these unfortunate circumstances from happening again.
And if already tried this approach with little results feel free to distance yourself. Having a loving support system should always be front and center in your life and though finding these support systems isn't easy, it's even harder to remain with people who abandon you because 'they don't have time' to deal with your problems.
11. They're no longer interested in the activities you used to do together
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Finally, the last subtle sign your best friend is secretly pulling away from you is if they're no longer interested in the activities you used to do together.
As best friends, there are certain rituals that you've established together. For some, this can be reading juicy romance novels or watching your favorite Netflix shows on a specific day. For others, it can involve roller skating, painting, or even playing sports together.
So when your best friend is no longer interested in the activities you used to do together it can feel like a real bummer and like a wall was suddenly put into place. However, don't despair too much. After all, in some cases, it can just be that your best friend might want to try other things!
If they're no longer interested and they refuse to engage in other activities with you then be on the lookout. This is a huge sign they're pulling away from you without them directly telling you.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.