10 Signs You Married A Well-Meaning Man Who Is Unintentionally Useless As A Partner
Your husband may be unproductive in your marriage, without him even realizing it.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock In a modern marriage, both partners must contribute equally. Whether it's making appointments, splitting up household chores, planning big surprises, or taking on parenting duties, teamwork can make or break a relationship. Unfortunately, when you begin to recognize the signs you married a well-meaning man who is unintentionally useless as a partner, it can stir up negative feelings.
From using weaponized incompetence to shutting down during confrontations, these seemingly small mishaps can quickly turn into bigger problems, especially if a husband realizes his errors and does nothing to fix them. But for wives, calling out these behaviors is the first step in stopping them altogether.
Here are 10 signs you married a well-meaning man who is unintentionally useless as a partner
1. He apologizes but refuses to change his behavior
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Changing one's behavior isn't that easy. According to licensed counseling psychologist Dr. Megan Call, changing a behavior is complex as it requires a person to disrupt a current habit while at the same time forcing them to make way for a newer one. As a wife, if your husband apologizes and promises to change his behavior, it's unfair to go back on that promise just because it's difficult.
According to Dr. Call, having patience and understanding the cycle is key to changing behavior. She adds that there are typically six stages to behavior change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and most importantly, relapse.
"When a setback occurs, I find it valuable to acknowledge the lapse as part of the change process and treat the occasion as a learning opportunity within a grand experiment," she says.
When men choose to be aware of the process it takes to change a behavior, it can help them become flexible, compassionate, and curious, making them a better partner in the process.
2. He doesn't carry any of the mental load
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Married couples are bound to have a bucketload of responsibilities in their day-to-day lives. Whether that's dropping the kids off at school or cooking dinner, the ability to balance that mental load as a team is essential to the overall well-being of that relationship. Unfortunately, not all men do this, and it's a clear sign you married a well-meaning man who is unintentionally useless as a partner.
A mental load is the emotional effort involved in managing a home, which can include scheduling, making decisions, and performing behind-the-scenes work. At first, a wife may not notice her husband's lack of contribution or may brush it off. But it can only work for so long, as resentment builds when both partners aren't pulling their weight.
According to the Gottman Institute, feelings of resentment align with feelings of contempt, which shouldn't be underestimated. Contempt is the number one indicator that your marriage is heading toward divorce. It's why married women should ensure things are relatively fair in the marriage.
By speaking out and not allowing negative emotions to fester, this will allow for open communication and one partner not feeling so alone by having to handle all the responsibilities.
3. He relies on weaponized incompetence to avoid responsibility
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Everybody imagines how their marriage will be. And considering that 73% of married couples with children combine finances, according to a study published in Family Relations, most people imagine their marriages to be on equal footing. That said, there's no worse feeling than loneliness in a marriage, especially when it's a result of weaponized incompetence.
According to researcher and assistant professor Chelom E. Leavitt, J.D., Ph.D., weaponized incompetence is when people pretend to not know how to do a task so someone else can do it. It's a manipulation technique people use to "play dumb" so they can avoid chores and responsibilities. For a marriage, putting all the responsibility onto one person can quickly sour the relationship.
Wives should be careful not to let their husbands get away with this behavior. As soon as they see their husband feigning ignorance about how to perform a task, remind them to practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is supposed to challenge thoughts and behaviors. And though it might feel overwhelming, there's no other way to address incompetency besides husbands reflecting on it on a deeper level.
4. He avoids confrontation
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With awkward tension and deafening silence, confrontation can cause just about anyone to shrink themselves in tough conversations. But when you've married a well-meaning man who is unintentionally useless, he avoids confrontation altogether.
Many people avoid confrontation because it's hard to express their emotions without losing their cool. Furthermore, a survey from YouGov found that 49% of people identify as people-pleasers, making it harder to engage in confrontational conversations.
But just because refraining from addressing arguments is common, that doesn't mean couples can't work to improve this tendency in their own relationship.
According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, responding constructively in a relationship is vital to relationship satisfaction, as it shows people that their partner cares for them and appreciates them.
All things considered, men should lean into having meaningful conversations with their partners, even if it's starting small. This may mean talking about their day or having short, productive conversations that help both partners connect.
5. He can't handle stress
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With chaotic work schedules and family life, it's no wonder why some people collapse under the stress. While there's nothing wrong with this, as we are all human, if a husband allows his emotions to get the better of him constantly, it's an indicator that he's being unintentionally useless.
His inability to handle stress can impact the marriage or his health, causing tensions to rise and affecting his, and his partner's, their overall well-being.
According to Harvard Health Publishing, stress can lead to high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and other forms of mental health problems. It's essential for men to find ways to calm their nerves when they feel overwhelmed.
As a study published in Clinical Psychology Review suggests, things like mindfulness-based therapy help reduce depression, anxiety, and stress.
6. He's not emotionally supportive
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All relationships experience ups and downs. Whether it's a family emergency, financial problems, or feeling overwhelmed by daily life, couples should meet each other with compassion and understanding. But one of the most glaring signs you married a well-meaning man who is unintentionally useless as a partner is if he cannot be emotionally supportive.
Men are often taught from a young age to hide their emotions and "man up" and, as such, when they become husbands, they don't know how to properly express their feelings, nor do they understand the emotions of their partner. They find it difficult to comfort their wives because of their own experiences with emotions growing up.
A study from Emotion Review found that there's a small but significant gender difference in the expression of emotions, where women show greater emotional expression overall. Knowing this, both men and women can work together to come to a resolution. For some couples, this might require professional help.
However, for men who aren't ready for that, their wives can be upfront with what they need. By extending an olive branch and creating an encouraging environment for men to express their emotions, it will be easier for them to handle your emotions in the long run.
7. He doesn't like to talk about serious topics
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Talking about serious topics can be difficult for anyone, regardless of which partner they are in the marriage. These topics may be plans for the future, whether or not you want to have children, or if you should buy a home soon. Discussing these topics as a couple can feel draining and even terrifying.
Despite this, talking about these topics is important for the overall well-being and harmony of the relationship. Not only does it show where you stand in your marriage, but it helps direct both partners to where they want to be. By encouraging your husband to open up and tackle these topics, it becomes easier to work as a team.
8. He doesn't split parenting duties
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According to a study from Pew Research Center, around 62% of parents say that being a parent is at least somewhat harder than they anticipated. And in a marriage, a well-meaning man who is unintentionally useless as a partner tends to not help with parenting duties.
With endless tantrums, changings, feedings, and unexpected problems, parenting isn't always easy; in fact, most parents would say it's far from it. However, when men become fathers, their mindset needs to change. Because, whether they like it or not, parenting means dealing with the good and the bad.
A separate study from 2017 found that women who report doing more housework are increasingly likely to feel unsatisfied in their relationships, which can lead to a breakup. Despite this, parenting doesn't always have to be unsatisfying; rather, working together side by side can bring couples closer together.
9. He's financially irresponsible
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Finances can make or break a marriage. According to a study from the Journal of Family Psychology, poorer couples are increasingly likely to get a divorce as their time together becomes more and more constrained. So, if you've married a financially irresponsible man, time spent together can become increasingly hostile, as money becomes a focal point.
Having a financially irresponsible partner can bring about stress as well. A study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships determined that financial stress impairs someone's functioning and can lead people to view their partners as being purposely negative in their behavior.
As a result, couples need to have open and honest discussions about finances. They should sit down and talk about their financial priorities, what can wait, and how they can better manage their money. This may require the help of a professional.
10. He's overly dependent on you
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When couples are dependent on one another, or one partner on the other, they usually brush off this abnormal behavior, calling it insignificant in order to avoid having a serious conversation about it. But an overly dependent husband is toxic for more than one reason.
According to a study from BioMed Research International, dependency issues in a relationship can absolutely destroy the marriage. Researchers found that excessive dependency can quickly lead to abusive behaviors and can hinder the end of a toxic relationship. Researchers also found a positive correlation between emotional dependency and proactive aggression.
Knowing this, couples must remind themselves why being dependent, whether through emotional or physical needs, is dangerous and can lead to the demise of a marriage and prevent personal growth.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.