12 Phrases Judgmental People Say Often, According To Psychology
Don't let judgmental people project their insecurities onto you.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock The connections we make with other people are what sustain us, in both challenging and celebratory times. When we feel low, receiving emotional support from people we care about can lift us from the depths of despair. When we're happy, we want to share our joy.
Emotional and social connection are key parts of our well-being. As important as these connections are, they can easily be eroded by judgment and criticism. The phrases judgmental people say often will eventually wear down their loved ones, until their relationships disintegrate completely.
Here are 12 phrases judgmental people say often, according to psychology
1. 'I would never do that'
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This phrase tears the other person down in a deliberate and exacting way. By saying, "I would never do that," judgmental people position themselves as morally superior. The phrase implies that the other person should feel ashamed.
Assessing other people can be a self-protective measure, yet there's a difference between making judgments and being judgmental. According to psychology, being judgmental is a maladaptive defense mechanism, in which people attempt to bolster their own shaky sense of self-worth by dragging others down.
At the core of human behavior is our deep need for acceptance and our desire to love and be loved. Having a judgmental mindset often stems from insecurity and a fear of rejection. People who judge others harshly tend to also judge themselves, and their negative feedback loop inevitably turns outward.
Judgmental people say this phrase because their lack of self-compassion bleeds over to how they see others. Reflection and self-awareness can help judgmental people break apart their destructive thought patterns to see themselves and others in a softer light.
2. 'I can't believe you thought that was a good idea'
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When judgmental people say, "I can't believe you thought that was a good idea," they're essentially saying that the other person has low intelligence and lacks common sense. While they might not agree with the decision the other person made, being judgmental isn't a helpful or emotionally supportive reaction.
Licensed clinical psychologist Gregg Henriques PhD pointed out that being judgmental is directly correlated with being overly critical. Criticizing someone for how they process information is not only harsh, it also highlights the limited capacity for empathy that judgmental people have.
Providing constructive feedback requires seeing others for the whole of who they are, instead of judging them for one ill-conceived idea they had. Maintaining an empathy dynamic can help steer people away from making harmful snap judgments.
An empathy dynamic involves trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Taking someone's perspective, background, and lived experiences into account is a way to offer someone grace.
3. 'You're too sensitive'
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A phrase judgmental people say often is "You're too sensitive." This phrase is a classic example of how to invalidate someone's emotions while criticizing them for having those emotions in the first place. When judgmental people say this phrase, they reveal how low their emotional intelligence actually is.
Telling someone they're too sensitive for expressing their feelings shows that judgmental people struggle to sit with discomfort in any form. They push their own emotions away, which means they don't allow themselves to experience how resonant life can be, even in moments of grief.
Judgmental people rely on this phrase to shield themselves from other people's feelings. The more they say it, the more they establish a sense of distance between themselves and the rest of the world, leaving them isolated and alone.
4. 'You should have known better'
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When they say this phrase, judgmental people place an unfair expectation on the other person. They measure them solely on the negative outcome and not their underlying intentions. By declaring that the person should have known better, judgmental people imply that they should have seen into the future and predicted the exact ripple effect of their behavior, which is virtually impossible.
Yet there's value in acknowledging that your intentions don't align with the way your actions affected others, as therapist Jeff Guenther pointed out.
"We judge ourselves based on our intentions and we judge others on how they impact us," he said, before outlining the ways that shifting that mindset can create more space for an empathic response.
"Let's focus more on our loved ones' intentions and be more aware of our impact on them," Guenther said. "No matter how good your intentions are, the impact you have on me is going to be hurtful sometimes."
"When I tell you how hurt I feel, I'm asking you to take accountability for your behavior and apologize for making me feel bad," he said. "Once you do that, we can talk about how lovely your intentions were, and the same goes for me."
5. 'That sounds like a you problem'
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This phrase focuses on the separateness between people rather than acknowledging any common ground. It's a harsh and flippant phrase, one that judgmental people say to turn down another person's request for help. Saying this phrase highlights how being judgmental can lead to indifference and disconnection.
The University of Virginia's Wisdom and Wellbeing Program explained that having empathy is the first step of having compassion. They defined empathy as "a mode of relating," noting that being empathic is "understanding how someone feels, and trying to imagine how that might feel for you."
In order to build a foundation of empathy, people need to actively listen to what someone says and stay attuned to the feelings behind their words. Engaging others with "gentle curiosity" creates space to share the tender parts of themselves without fear.
Being compassionate involves "feeling what that person is feeling, holding it, accepting it, and taking some kind of action." Compassion carries empathy outward, strengthening the connection between people. Approaching conversations with kindness and intentionality paves a path away from judgment, toward true understanding and acceptance.
6. 'This is all your fault'
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Blaming another person for the totality of a negative situation allows judgmental people to sidestep accountability. By denying any role they had in creating the problematic dynamic, they frame themselves as infallible, while the other person is the one doing everything wrong.
Relationship counselors Dr. Jerry Duberstein and Mary Ellen Goggin shared that "a major component of the best and strongest relationships is about holding each other accountable at times and communicating constructive feedback in a thoughtful, healthy way." Yet feedback and criticism come from two distinct places, and "the danger with criticism is that it is a slippery slope into contempt."
Dr. Duberstein and Goggin described contempt as "a combination of disrespect and disgust" that stands in opposition to the respect and equality that relationships are grounded in. They explained, "Contempt comes from a build-up of uncommunicated — or miscommunicated — disappointments and dissatisfactions. Recognizing and reconstructing your communication patterns is important because contempt is an accumulation of stewing emotions."
Reframing the narrative of a relationship and releasing resentment takes concerted effort, and at the heart of that effort is communication. Dr. Duberstein and Goggin advised that doing "the emotional work" allows both parties to grow and improve their relationship, making room for what the other person needs.
7. 'That's not good enough'
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A phrase judgmental people say often is "That's not good enough." This phrase cuts to the core of every single person's foundational wound: The fear that we're not good enough. The phrase specifically states, "That's not good enough," and not, "You're not good enough," yet judgmental people say this to sow the seeds of self-doubt in others.
We are all inherently worthy, even when judgmental people say we're not. The very human fear that we're being judged runs deep in almost all people, yet as therapist Meg Josephson pointed out, there's nothing we can actually do to avoid someone else's judgment.
"If you have a fear that you will be judged or misunderstood, the truth is that you will be," she said. "So, the question moves from, 'Will I be judged?' to 'How can I move through the discomfort of being judged?'"
Josephson further explained, "Trying to control everyone's perception of you is precious energy that's being wasted. No matter how perfectly you do it, no matter how much you try to cater to everyone's preferences and opinions, everyone's going to perceive you, your work, your ideas, through the lens of their inner world, which is made up of their beliefs, fears, stories, and experiences."
Josephson concluded by advising people that it's okay to "release control of the narrative." Once we release the need to control our narrative, we feel less of a need to hide from the judgment of others. In this way, we're able to fully embody our most authentic selves and live the life we dream of.
8. 'You're wrong'
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"You're wrong" is a phrase people who are judgmental say to make other people feel small. It's a classic example of being critical to hurt someone else, as opposed to offering a thoughtful explanation or outlining a different approach to take next time.
Grief coach Pamela Aloia touched on all the ways criticism can take root as a destructive force, cast inwardly and in an outward direction. She explained, "Criticism, in general, begets more criticism. If you are always looking at yourself for the wrong things, you will tend to view your relationships and all life experiences through the same lens."
Aloia pointed out, "The inadequacies you feel or experience may prevent you from deepening your relationship with someone who you find an important part of your life simply because you have made yourself feel less than others." The best way to combat this phrase is to look inward and reflect constructively on your personal strengths.
9. 'You're never going to succeed'
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This phrase is cruel, full-stop, end of sentence. Telling someone they'll never succeed denies them the opportunity to try, to make mistakes, to fail and course-correct as they go. This phrase is designed to make people feel inferior and define them according to their flaws.
The psychological concept of labeling involves ascribing a negative label to yourself or others, so that their humanity disappears, and the label becomes the sole trait you define them by. The act of labeling shoves people into a box that doesn't permit for any growth or change. When judgmental people say that someone is never going to succeed, they're projecting their own harsh inner critic outward.
Despite the strength of their negative convictions, judgmental people don't have the power to determine the future. They don't get to decide who has the capacity for success and who doesn't, which is why letting the dark shadow of judgment move past you is the best approach.
10. 'You always mess everything up'
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This phrase shows how having a rigid mindset can cause harm. Telling someone that they always mess up is an example of dichotomous thinking, also known as all-or-nothing thinking. This negative thinking pattern is a form of cognitive distortion.
People with a dichotomous thought pattern see the world in extremes, with no space for nuance or abstraction. Things are good or they're bad. Other people always act in a certain way or they never do.
The inflexibility and severity of this type of thinking makes it inherently judgmental. Changing the way you think takes work, but committing to that work can free people from the restrictive trap of casting judgment.
The first step to releasing negative thinking is to recognize and identify patterns. After you take a step back and name your thoughts for what they are, you can talk back to them and revise how you see yourself and your place in the world.
11. 'I told you so'
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This phrase is one of the least gracious ways to speak to someone. It's not constructive by any means. The only purpose this phrase holds is to pointedly tell someone just how wrong they were.
"I told you so" is a snide form of gloating, aimed at making someone feel bad. It offers absolutely zero support or guidance for the future. When judgmental people say this phrase, they're basically saying that they don't care if you're disappointed or hurt. All they're saying is, "I was right," while blaming you for how you feel.
12. 'That's so typical of you'
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When judgmental people say this phrase, they're letting you know that they see you in a specific way. They define you by your imperfections and use your past failures to measure who you are as a person.
Instead of giving you space to evolve, they fall back on tired tropes of who you once were. They refuse to let you rewrite your story, but their judgment pales in comparison to your inner strength and how bright you can shine.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.