11 Subtle Signs Of An Insecure Person Who Tries To Act Overly Confident
Not everyone who's perceived to be an extrovert is inherently confident and comfortable in their skin.
Max kegfire | Shutterstock Finding a healthy balance of social skills, emotional intelligence, security, and self-confidence isn't an easy challenge, especially well into adulthood, when everyone has mastered the art of self-preservation and subtle overcompensation. Fueled by their own childhoods and previous relationships, there are several subtle signs of an insecure person who tries to act overly confident, compensating for the collection of emotions, experiences, and situations that have fueled their internal insecurities.
According to a study from the Indian Journal of Positive Psychology, there's also a link between emotional intelligence and maturity and a person's self-confidence — adding another layer to a person's ability to self-advocate, form community with others, and cultivate healthy, stable, and honest relationships.
Here are 11 subtle signs of an insecure person who tries to act overly confident
1. They over-explain themselves in conversations
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According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, many people who experienced unhealthy avenues of communication and mistrust early in their lives feel the need to overcompensate in their conversations now.
They might have been forced to fight for space with their parents or were even taught that their voice wasn't deserving of attention early in life, altering their perspective on healthy communication into adulthood.
With an internal fear of judgment and criticism, their tendency to over-explain is often a way for them to portray a misguided image of themselves and avoid conflict that could spark uncomfortable vulnerability.
2. They shift blame to others
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Some people fueled by deep-rooted insecurity project their uncomfortable emotions and experiences onto others to self-soothe — whether it's shame, embarrassment, or insecurity itself. When faced with conflict, they shift blame and paint themselves as the victim, actively avoiding both taking responsibility and experiencing uncomfortable emotions like guilt.
Insecure people often struggle with their feelings of unworthiness, even in secure relationships. Instead of being willing to open up open conversations about conflicts and uncomfortable emotions, they tend to get defensive in the face of conflict.
Fueled by fears of abandonment or rejection, as psychologist David Susman, PhD argues, they instead opt to take a disconnected route to resolving arguments with the people in their lives — sabotaging truly healthy connections.
3. They're condescending
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Condescending people are often fueled by an inherent belief that their words are more important than other people's, simply because they're who they are. Whether it's intellect, confidence, or an intrinsic sense of stability that fuels them, they believe they have the power to label, criticize, and talk down to others because of their own misguided superiority.
According to psychology expert Marty Nemko, PhD, this condescension can take many forms, from interruptions, to back-handed compliments, and even ignoring an entire person in conversation.
For people with insecurities, it's usually not a sense of confidence or superiority that urges them to be condescending but a fear of rejection, manipulation, and abandonment. They'd prefer to feel a false sense of control and power over a conversation with misguided confidence, even if it's at the expense of healthy connection.
4. They talk poorly about other people behind their back
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According to a study published in The Academy of Management Review, gossip, especially in the workplace and other professional spaces, often erodes trust between peers, sparks anxiety in relationships, and negatively affects individual emotional health and wellbeing.
From seemingly innocent rumors to talking negatively behind people's back, insecure people often struggle with projecting their own anxieties and insecurities onto others — trying to divert attention away from themselves in unproductive ways.
5. They misuse inappropriate jokes and humor
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Despite being a powerful tool for resolving the tension in high-pressure situations — bridging the gap between discomfort and understanding, like ADHD expert and podcaster Les Steed explains — humor can also manifest in inappropriate ways that further isolate people from each other and sabotage genuine connections.
Often a defense mechanism to shy away from vulnerability, humor and inappropriate jokes can have the opposite intended effect for insecure people trying to gain external validation and praise from their peers.
6. They're overly competitive
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Highly competitive people often struggle with deep insecurities, as they spend the majority of their time pitted against other people and trying to prove themselves worthy of praise and attention.
Not only does this competitive spirit tend to sabotage their healthy connections with others, as they're more focused on proving themself and feeding into their self-esteem, it can be isolating in ways that negatively affect emotional well-being.
7. They constantly compare themselves to others
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Insecure people are driven by praise and external validation, oftentimes in situations and conversations where they're forced to prove themselves worthy of it.
Whether it's grasping control of a conversation to brag, interrupting another person to assert a misguided sense of superiority, or bringing someone else down behind their back, some insecure people rely on unproductive tactics for self-soothing in the face of a toxic comparison culture.
This subtle sabotage and comparison is one of the subtle signs of an insecure person who tries to act overly confident, as they're overcompensating for their discomfort and competitiveness to feel better about their internal turmoil.
8. They project little insecurities onto others
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Of course, comparison culture also urges insecure people to put others down to help themselves feel more comfortable and confident — a vicious cycle that not only sabotages their healthy relationships, but their own self-esteem long-term.
As a defense mechanism against their own uncomfortable feelings, insecure people try to make other people feel the deep-rooted embarrassment and shame they experience to lessen the burden of carrying them.
9. They brag about their success in conversations
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Part of the confident persona some insecure people try on in conversations is their ability to talk endlessly about themselves, sometimes bragging about their connections, accomplishments, and success.
To gain the external recognition and praise they desperately seek to fuel their sense of self-worth and self-esteem, they're willing to do anything — sometimes, even embellish the truth — to get attention.
According to experts from the Counseling Connection, they tend to overcompensate for their internal feelings of discomfort and shame with this tendency towards bragging, not only sparked conversations where they inherently feel misunderstood, but sabotaging their ability to genuinely connect with someone.
10. They shy away from vulnerable conversations
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Considering the majority of us learn how to cultivate our self-esteem through our parents and childhood experiences, like a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues, it can be difficult for insecure adults to relearn confidence if their parents instilled a sense of unworthiness in them early in life. However, it's not impossible with a commitment to discomfort, vulnerability, and honesty.
If you can make space for honest connection, open conversations, and sometimes a bit of discomfort, you teach yourself that you're worthy of a challenge — especially to help build up your connections and instill trust into your relationships.
Vulnerability is the heart of everything; we need it to cultivate healthy relationships with ourselves, but it's also necessary for our social interactions.
11. They're incredibly envious in their relationships
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Fueled by a toxic comparison culture and a deep-rooted insecurity that paints all their relationships from an anxious perspective, many insecure people find it difficult to maintain stable relationships.
The security that comes with trust, communication, and equality often isn't there, as an insecure person is always fueled by an anxiety of their unworthiness.
Leading to anxious and sometimes avoidant attachment styles, insecure people with a confident facade may go to any measure to comfort themselves in the face of jealousy or envy, even if it means sabotaging the trust and health of their relationships.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.