10 Ways To Get Someone With ADHD To Do Something They Don't Want To Do
Pretty sneaky, sis.
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock Having ADHD is often misunderstood. From the outside, it may seem like people with ADHD just don’t want to do difficult things, when what’s going on internally is much more complex. ADHD parenting coach Amy Marie Hann illuminated an aspect of living with ADHD that impacts all aspects of daily life: the motivation gap.
According to Hann, motivation is controlled in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. People with ADHD struggle with internal motivation, especially when they perceive a task as boring or it has a lot of steps. “It’s not an education or time problem,” she explained. “It’s a motivation problem.”
Helping people manage their ADHD with a compassionate, empathic mindset can make a major difference, which is why it’s important to understand and implement different ways to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do.
Here are 10 ways to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do
1. Remove any distractions
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Removing distractions is one way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do. As Amy Marie Hann explained, “If you have ADHD, you can know what needs to be done and have time to do it and even want the task to be completed, but still lack the ability to complete the task.”
A study published in “Personality and Individual Differences” noted that certain cognitive limitations of ADHD make it hard for people to manage stress in healthy ways. They struggle with problem-solving and planning, which makes it difficult to get things done in a timely way.
Inattention is one particularly challenging cognitive deficit that comes with ADHD. People with ADHD tend to be easily distracted by external stimuli, even if they’re sitting at their desk with their work laid out in front of them. They might check their phone every few minutes or find themselves staring out the window, wondering whether birds have teeth.
There are various practical guardrails to put in place that fend off distraction, like silencing notifications and leaving your phone in a separate room. Clearing clutter away from your workspace is also helpful, so you don’t lose time by thumbing through old notebooks or papers that don’t require immediate attention.
By helping someone with ADHD keep distractions at bay, you’re helping them find adaptive coping strategies that actually work for them, which is a supportive way to get them to follow through on tasks they’re resistant to doing.
2. Create a calm environment
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Creating a calm environment is another way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do. This technique goes along with removing distractions, in that you’re helping set them up for success by tailoring the outside environment to meet their needs.
The NIH reported that adults with ADHD are more likely to experience restlessness, memory problems, and lack of mental focus than impulsivity and hyperactivity. These symptoms show up in different ways for different people. Some people start out strong only to lose focus and get sidetracked by other things. Others struggle with meeting deadlines and doing tasks that require sustained attention, like academic projects, work assignments, and household chores.
It might take trial and error to find what works best, yet creating a calm atmosphere is the first step to helping someone with ADHD do something they don’t want to do. This might mean lighting candles for ambience or listening to music designed specifically for ADHD. It might mean working in total silence, in a room with blank walls.
Helping someone with ADHD do something they don’t want to do starts with understanding and identifying their distraction triggers, so you can provide them with a workspace that plays to their strengths.
3. Be a ‘body double’
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Another way to help someone with ADHD do something they don’t want to do is to be their body double, which isn’t as strange as it might sound. Being a body double uses the same methodology as that classic kindergarten practice: The buddy system.
Being a body double means sitting beside them while doing your own work. Your physical presence offers them a sense of companionship. By keeping them company, you’re essentially helping to keep them on track. Body doubling is a way to model constructive behavior, which helps them do something they don’t want to do. Sitting next to them provides quiet, steady support, and it’s an accessible act of loving care.
4. Break down big tasks into smaller parts
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Helping someone with ADHD break down tasks into smaller parts is a way to get them to do something they don’t want to do. While feeling overwhelmed by big to-do lists affects neurotypical people, too, the Attention Deficit Disorder Association pointed out that adults with ADHD often get overwhelmed when they have to organize a lot of information at once, which makes it extra hard to find an entry point into whatever project is looming before them.
By breaking down one big, complicated task into smaller, more manageable tasks, you can get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do, like cleaning the house.
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association recommended writing down all of the small tasks involved in a big project and setting a deadline for each one. The first task should be easy to cross off the list, which helps people with ADHD feel accomplished and build up momentum to keep going.
Instead of telling someone with ADHD that they have to get the whole house in order by the end of the day, have them start in a specific section of one room, and list what needs to be done, room by room. If they’re tackling the kitchen, have them put all the dirty dishes in the sink, first, which is a manageable part of the larger project.
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association noted that this tactic can be used in academic or professional settings, too. Instead of thinking about the entire essay, have them find one source of research or write a single paragraph.
Breaking down big jobs into more manageable chunks helps people with ADHD actually get things done, instead of going into freeze-mode because they’re so overwhelmed.
5. Celebrate each step of the process
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Another way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do is to celebrate every small win, whenever they complete a task. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association advised people with ADHD to structure their to-do lists so that each task takes no longer than 30 minutes. They also recommended implementing an immediate rewards system for tasks that get checked off.
The reward should be simple and time-efficient, like treating themselves to their favorite snack, taking a power walk, snuggling their pup, or listening to a song that pumps them up.
As psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline explained, having ADHD “means you think a little differently, navigate the world a little differently, and solve problems a little differently from others,” but those differences aren’t something to feel ashamed of.
“Accepting your ADHD is the first step to empowering yourself,” she shared. “When you accept your unique perspective and approach, you are better able to set yourself up for success.”
“You can have a deeper understanding of what makes you tick, and what works and doesn’t work for your living and learning styles,” Dr. Saline concluded. Berating yourself for having ADHD is more than just ineffective, it’s a destructive way to think. Celebrating little victories and emphasizing what you have done is a much more compassionate and constructive way to live.
6. Set a timer
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A practical and efficient way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do is to set a timer and have them work in short, limited intervals in order to stay focused. Setting a timer is the mental approach to breaking big, physical tasks into smaller pieces.
Working in timed intervals is also known as the Pomodoro Technique, which a university student named Francesco Cirillo invented in the 80s. To follow this method of time management, set a timer for 25 minutes, and focus on one task until the timer goes off, then take a five minute break. After completing four 25-minute work sessions, take a more restorative break for 15 to 30 minutes, then reset and start again.
7. Give them time to transition
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Another way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do is giving them ample transition time. Certain aspects of self-regulation are more challenging for people with ADHD, such as switching their attention from something they’re hyperfocused on to doing a different, more pressing task.
You can help them stay on track by offering them updates on timing and giving them gentle warnings, like saying, “Your assignment is due in 3 hours, you have 10 more minutes to scroll on your phone, then you have to sit down and start working.”
By giving them transition time, you’re helping to mentally prepare them for doing something they don’t want to do, which is half the battle of getting anything done.
8. Validate their experience
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A great way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do is to validate their experience. The need for emotional validation is at the core of everyone’s being, whether they have ADHD or not. By affirming the challenges someone with ADHD faces on a daily basis, you’re acknowledging their reality while encouraging them.
Validation doesn’t have to be complicated or emotionally overwrought. It can be as simple as saying, “I see how hard you’re trying and I’m really proud of you,” or “I know you’re doing your best, and that’s enough.”
The key to validating someone with ADHD is to share that you see them, accept them, and value them, just as they are.
9. Encourage positive self-talk
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A way to get someone with ADHD to do something they don’t want to do is to encourage them to speak to themselves with kindness and compassion. This can help them stand up to their inner critic, which is often a reflection of harsh criticism they hear from others.
As psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline pointed out, “Many neurodivergent teens and adults who have frequently been judged unfavorably against neurotypical standards have internalized these opinions.”
She described the inner critic as “the voice that spews negativity about simply being an outside-the-box thinker, an imperfectly perfect human like the rest of us. But this voice adds a toxic layer of insecurity: You walk around anxious that someone will discover the incompetent, foolish person you think you indeed are.”
When you encourage someone with ADHD to talk back to the negative voice in their head, you help them focus on their positive attributes, which helps them do things they don’t want to do.
10. Remind them of their worth
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Reminding someone with ADHD of their inherent worth is a way to get them to do something they don’t want to do. We are all born onto this earth as worthy, yet a lifetime of hearing negative messages about the way their brains operate make people with ADHD feel like they aren’t worthy.
When you reinforce how worthy they are, you give someone with ADHD permission to embrace who they are. Dr. Sharon Saline advised people with ADHD to “Leave yourself with daily motivations, meditate on positive messages, and do whatever it takes to treat yourself with more kindness and forgiveness.”
As Dr. Saline explained, “Accepting yourself with self-compassion allows you to be good enough just as you are: a wonderful, perfectly imperfect, unique human being — just like everybody else.”
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.