The 10 Worst Holiday Songs Of All Time, According To Our Editors
Christmas is stressful enough without these sonic abominations making it exponentially worse.
DNY59 | Getty Images Signature | pixelshot | Canva Pro It's almost time for Santa Claus to get stuck in the chimney or whatever it is that guy does. (No fat-shaming, but wouldn't Ozempic make his job so much easier? Has no one thought to mention this? It's malpractice, frankly.)
But I digress. The holiday season, of course, means goodwill and all that good stuff, but what it really means is that we have been under siege by some of the absolute worst music known to man.
These are the 10 worst holiday songs of all time, according to our editors:
Christmas is great and all, but it's also a waking nightmare in which every "ho, ho, ho" comes with at least one meddling in-law, a screeching child having a meltdown, or an irritating co-worker entirely too enthusiastic about Secret Santa.
H. Armstrong Roberts | Canva Pro
Adding insult to that injury is that you can't even relieve yourself in a public bathroom without it being accompanied by "The Little Drummer Boy" and his song full of LIES. (Oh, "the ox and lamb kept time" while you played your drum, you say? Ok, well, oxen and lambs don't even know what time is. LIARS GO TO HELL, YOUNG MAN.)
Sure, we all love a bit of "Jingle Bells" now and then, but some of the songs we endure every year are full-on atrocities — songs that, in a functioning society, would be grounds for a human rights tribunal at the International Criminal Court. These are those 10 songs, and it's time we take a stand against them. It's what the Baby Jesus would want!
10. "My Favorite Things," Various Artists
This is a wonderful song on the merits, and many don't know this, but Julie Andrews is not actually a human woman but a hologram made of the breath of God Himself sent down from the cosmos in 1965 specifically to sing this song in "The Sound Of Music." It's a banger!
BUT IT IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG! Who decided it was, and on what grounds? Roses can't even GROW in December so what relevance do their raindrops have to the holidays? Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings? THOSE GEESE ARE ALREADY IN CHILE OR WHATEVER BECAUSE MIGRATION EXISTS; like, what are we doing here?!
And yes, I recognize that the Southern Hemisphere celebrates Christmas, too, but the song literally takes place in AUSTRIA, so I don't see how that's relevant. THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG STOP GASLIGHTING ME.
9. "Jingle Bell Rock," Various Artists
ENOUGH. This song is on every five minutes because there are approximately 436 different versions of it due to the fact that when you sign your first recording contract, you are forced to ALSO sign a pact with Satan that you will one day record a rendition of this song. You sign that pact in blood, by the way, and they take one of your children if you break it.
The tune is grating, the lyrics are insane (if anyone ever said "giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet" to me, I would immediately file suit), and it is the sonic equivalent of that one girl in high school who was entirely too happy and constantly smiling at you with those GIANT gums of hers (you know the kind of gums I'm talking about). GET RID.
8. "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24," The Trans-Siberian Orchestra
I don't know about you, but when I think of Christmas, I think of a 1980s hair band heavy metal mash-up of "Carol of the Bells" and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen!" It's like the members of Poison and RATT put too much blow in their eggnog and decided they needed to absolutely SHRED some holiday classics on the guitar. (Actually, I'm making it sound way too cool, scratch that.)
Anyway, you probably don't know it by name, but you absolutely know it by sound (click play on the video above to immediately perish!) because it is A — terrible and 2 — ubiquitous, and I would just like to know WHY.
It is literally about the Bosnian War in the 1990s; what are we doing here?! Is this an "every party needs a pooper, that's why we invited you" kind of thing? Nothing says Yuletide cheer like heavy metal Christmas carols about a Clinton-era genocide! Ho ho ho!
7. Pentatonix, the entire catalog.
No! No you stop it, you stop it right now! GO ON GIT!
6. "I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus," The Jackson 5
Listen, you all need to take the outraged energy you had for "Baby It's Cold Outside" a few years ago (she obviously WANTS to spend the night with him and is being coquettish! Learn to read, that song is fine!) and apply it to THIS song, because why are we singing about a child watching his mother trying to bone down with Santa?!
"I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white"? Excuse me?! Does the North Pole not have an HR department? Why is this allowed?!
And then little Michael Jackson, in the most ear-splitting vocals he ever recorded, goes on to sing about how funny his dad would find it if HE had been the one to catch Mama Kris'ing Santa's Kringle. This is depraved! Y'all write letters to the FTC if a gay person so much as EXISTS in a television show, but you'll call this a Christmas classic? Go to therapy!
5. "Mary Did You Know?" Various Artists
"Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water? Mary, did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?" Oh, so now we're mansplaining a woman's own child to her after she's just given birth in a frigging BARN? Are you serious? READ THE ROOM.
The woman LITERALLY FOUND OUT ABOUT HER PREGNANCY FROM AN ANGEL and then had to sit down with her boyfriend and be like, "Joe. I know this is insane. But hear me out," and explain that she was somehow knocked up by God Himself but you think she wasn't aware that her "baby boy will calm a storm with His hand"? GROW UP.
4. "Christmas Tree," Lady Gaga
Now look, Lady Gaga is an icon, and I'm no prude. But what we're NOT doing is singing a song about getting railed under the Christmas tree. Just on principle, we're not doing this.
But we're DEFINITELY not doing this with innuendo-laden lyrics like "take off my stockings we're spreading Christmas cheer" and "under the mistletoe, yes, everybody knows, we will take off our clothes." I have information that will lead to Stefanie Germanotta's arrest and it is the lyrics to this song!
I recognize that a chilling precedent was set back in 1970 when the aforementioned 12-year-old Michael Jackson sang about catching his mom in flagrante with Saint Nick, but "my Christmas tree is delicious"?! I am not doing this with you, Stefanie!
3. Do They Know It's Christmas (Feed the World)
Only a song with Bono's involvement could be this cloyingly self-righteous. "While you're having fun, there's a world outside your window [with] death in every tear, and the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom." Okay, no offense, but can you chill?
This awful song, which was meant to raise money for famine in Africa, is among the most presumptuous and privileged ever recorded. "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." Okay, and??? It's in a warm climate zone. Why is this my problem?! "Nothing ever grows; no rain or rivers flow." Um, have you never watched a single nature documentary about Africa? This is literally a lie!
But the real kicker is when Bono sings, "Tonight, thank God it's them instead of you." Okay, well, unfortunately, I don't actually wish famine on anyone at any time, whether it's Christmas or not, so I will not be doing that, you sociopath!
And by the way, I'm still waiting for an apology for that time you forcibly put the new U2 album on everyone's iPhone without asking. GO TO BED, BONO.
2. "Christmas Shoes," NewSong
For the top two slots in this list from hell, we reached out to our various social networks for their opinions, and two songs came in at a diabolical tie.
This one, about a child, for some reason, buying his terminally ill mother a pair of cute cha-cha heels so she can "look beautiful" at her forthcoming meeting with Jesus Christ when she dies on Christmas night — which is the single most insane sentence I have ever typed in a life that has been riddled with clinically diagnosed mental illnesses — was on the [expletive]list of pretty much everyone we asked.
It is so brain-meltingly unhinged that only the Patton Oswalt stand-up set above can do it justice. It is somehow tooth-achingly maudlin but diabolically macabre at the same time.
It's like that scene in "A Clockwork Orange" where the dude's eyes are propped open with pins so he can't look away from the most disturbing footage imaginable, except the footage he's forced to watch has been replaced with the film "Pollyanna." That's "Christmas Shoes." Crazy, crazy work.
1. "Wonderful Christmastime," Paul McCartney
I have a friend who is a musician, and Paul McCartney is her number-one idol. His indisputable genius is her biggest inspiration, which is why she recently said to me, "I am contractually obligated to love this song."
Melissa, my love, my light, my heart, I'm going to hold your hand when I say this: No, the [redacted] you're not. In the immortal words of Real Housewife of New York Countess Luann DeLesseps, "Even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes," and "Wonderful Christmastime" is the proof of that theorem.
This song is a hate crime. "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime" sounds like the soundtrack to an after-school special from 1981 about a cheerleader descending into madness after becoming addicted to barbiturates.
Or, as my dear friend David calls it, "Paul McCartney's Christmas Lasers." The simple fact is that none of us is above the law, and one day, Sir Paul McCartney, one day, you will answer for your crimes.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.