5 Ways People In Great Relationships Regain Control And Break Their Worst Patterns
It's not your fault that bad things happen, but you can help prevent more in the future.
cottonbro studio | Canva “He’s cheating on me,” Liza said before she’d had a chance to take off her coat and sit down opposite me in my therapy office. For the fourth time in as many weeks, Liza (not her real name) was launching into the body of evidence supporting the case of her boyfriend’s untrustworthiness. It was clear she needed to regain control and break this pattern.
Because I had been working with Liza for over a year, I knew that, more often than not, she didn’t trust the people or the situations in her life, and I knew if we were going to make any progress, we’d have to resist enumerating every suspicious detail about this current boyfriend. Instead, we needed to turn our attention inward to examine Liza’s role in this recurring dynamic.
For anyone experiencing unhealthy relationship patterns, this type of examination can be helpful.
Here are 5 things happy people do to break miserable relationship patterns
1. They recognize their role
Are you the caretaker? The skeptic? The one who feels perpetually let down? Identifying your habitual stance is key.
Acknowledging that you might be a principal driving force in creating lifelong, unhealthy relationship patterns can be particularly rough. But identifying your role—and how you invite others to play opposite you—is often the first step toward breaking those cycles.
2. They trace it back
Ask yourself these questions about why you developed this pattern or started playing this role:
- Where did I first learn to play this role?
- Who taught it to me?
- What were the circumstances?
3. They weigh the trade-offs
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Every role has its benefits, or you wouldn’t keep playing it. Ask yourself these questions:
- What has this role protected you from?
- What has it cost you?
- Do the costs now outweigh the benefits?
4. They step out of the script
What happens when you resist the urge to play your usual role?
5. They voice their 'mind-reads'
Instead of operating as if your suspicions are facts, voice them. Try saying, “I have a mind-read that you’re cheating on me. Is it true, yes or no?” Framing the question as a mind-read means you’re acknowledging your part in creating a story.
After all, you know you can’t read minds (you do know that, don’t you?). Stating the mind-read as a yes or no question allows the other person to respond without ambiguity and without creating a new story of their own. If they say no to your mind-read, notice if you believe them. If they say yes, you might not like the answer, but at least now you’re in reality with one another.
Breaking out of learned roles and relational patterns can be uncomfortable, at times demoralizing, work. But as Liza is beginning to learn, it’s also the only way to create the kind of relationship where trust feels possible.
Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice and co-founder of Artists Reimagining Therapy & Systems (ARTS), bringing group and individual therapy to artists and arts-workers. Previously, Brian performed on Broadway for over 15 years, wrote for Global Citizen, The Daily Beast, McSweeney’s, and Dance Magazine, and co-founded 85th Street Productions.