11 Bad Manners Used By People Who Were Not Taught How To Behave Growing Up
Having bad manners doesn't make someone a bad person. It just means they weren't taught certain behavioral touch points.
Katalin Balassa | Shutterstock We come into the world as blank slates, ready to receive a lifetime of knowledge. Our parents and primary caregivers act as guides, showing us how to treat ourselves and others in a way that aligns with our values. They also teach us practical aspects of personhood, like how to hold a fork, how to wave hello, and how to put on pants without falling over.
Knowing how to display respect through action stands in stark contrast to bad manners used by people who were not taught how to behave growing up. Bad manners are often rooted in a basic misunderstanding of how to present yourself around other people. People who were raised in households that didn't emphasize respect might struggle with manners, since they don't necessarily see beyond themselves to be considerate of others.
Here are 11 bad manners used by people who were not taught how to behave growing up
1. Interrupting people
wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock
It's totally normal to interrupt every once and a while, especially when you're overwhelmed with excitement about a conversation topic. The polite thing to do in that situation is to acknowledge the interruption, apologize, and pause, so the other person can finish what they're saying.
Conversations follow a pattern of give and take, listening and talking. The rules of conversation between friends are very different from conversations in a professional setting, where a certain modicum of propriety is expected.
The British School of Excellence delineated the differences between manners and etiquette. As etiquette expert Philip Skypes explained, manners and etiquette are connected, but not exactly the same thing.
Skypes revealed that "good manners [are] basically about courtesy, politeness, and having good manners is all about respecting others and yourself." Having good manners "is about considering the feelings of other people and being a kind, generous, wonderful person."
Good manners build a foundation of mutual respect, which people use as a blueprint for how to behave.
"If you are respectful to others, then you are more likely to be treated with respect by other people," he explained. "If you show good manners everywhere you go, you will be more than likely to encourage good behavior and good energy and amazing connection with people."
Skypes noted that etiquette is "more defined by a set of rules or customs that control our behavior, in particular, within social groups and social situations."
Jumping into a conversation before the other person is done talking is a show of bad manners, but it's not catastrophic. An interrupter can easily remedy their misstep by saying, "I'm sorry, I interrupted you. Please finish what you were saying." By owning up to the interruption and waiting their turn to talk, they fix their mistake and hold themselves accountable, which is a sign they're more than ready to shed their bad manners for good ones.
2. Leaving dirty dishes in shared spaces
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Anyone who's had the divine pleasure of living with roommates knows how tense kitchen etiquette can be. You might have apartment meetings and a chore chart on your fridge, but if the people you live with don't pick up after themselves, those organizational tools become totally useless.
It's one thing to leave a half-empty coffee mug on the table when you're rushing out the door in the morning, but it's something else altogether to let stacks of moldy dishes pile up in the sink, until they spill onto the counters and take over your entire life.
It's possible that people with bad manners who don't do their dishes have parents who never taught them the value of cleaning up after themselves. Maybe they were raised in a chaotic environment, where surviving the conflict and instability of their household was prioritized over keeping a clean kitchen. Maybe their parents enabled their bad manners by doing everything for them. This well-intentioned parenting move not only sets kids up for learned helplessness, it can also affect how successful they are as adults.
Dr. Williams, a pediatrician known as the "TikTok Kid Doc," revealed the unlikely benefits of giving kids household chores every day. He cited research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which analyzed the way early childhood events affect people later on. The study reported that children who do chores grow into happier adults.
A study from the University of Minnesota supported the results of the Harvard study, noting that assigning kids chores was the best predictor of future success, especially if they start those chores at a young age. "Having your children do chores gives them a sense of self-worth, and it helps them to realize that they're contributing to a larger ecosystem," Dr. Williams explained.
Whether or not someone did chores as a kid, they're entirely capable of collecting dirty dishes from their bedside table or the couch or the bathroom sink and giving them a good scrub, at least for the sake of maintaining harmony in a shared living space.
3. Listening to music in public without wearing headphones
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock
Just because you want to hear your favorite sad bop on repeat doesn't mean the strangers you're sitting next to on the subway want to hear it, at all, let alone 12 times in a row. Technology has allowed for us to carry endless amounts of music on a phone that's really a tiny computer living in our pockets, but playing music without headphones when you're not alone is a display of very bad manners.
It's an inconsiderate action that disrupts other people's bubbles as they go about their day. Playing music without headphones takes up space in a way that overlooks other people's presence in the world.
4. Not thanking someone for a gift
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock
Going out of your way to buy someone a present is a way to show your love and affection. While the act of giving should come from a generous place, without strings attached, not getting a "thank you" is a prime example of bad manners. Not offering thanks displays a lack of basic human decency and shows that someone was not taught how to behave growing up.
People with bad manners might not inherently know that to acknowledge a gift with a thank you note, or at least a text, is the kind and gracious way to respond. It's possible that their parents or caregivers were absent or uninvolved, and they were left to fend for themselves in a household defined by neglect. Without an adult to model proper behavior, they didn't learn good manners by example.
We hear a lot about gratitude as an entry point to a mindful existence, but we can't establish that practice without a baseline understanding of how to be a generous, warm person. As licensed clinical social worker Dr. Terri Orbuch explained, "Having an attitude of gratitude will improve your relationship." She revealed, "A very vital factor in happy relationships is gratitude — making your partner feel valued, loved, and supported with simple acts and behaviors."
According to Dr. Orbuch's long-term research on marriage and divorce, "couples in a relationship who expressed frequent gratitude to each other were the happiest in their marriages by a significant margin."
"For these happy couples, gratitude came in the form of words, gestures, or acts that showed a spouse that they were noticed, appreciated, respected, loved, or desired," she concluded.
While expressing gratitude might not come naturally to people who were raised without good manners, it's a skill they can easily pick up, and it will fulfill their lives in innumerable ways.
5. Cutting in line
DW labs Incorporated | Shutterstock
Purposeful line-cutters make this move because they don't want to wait, the way everyone else in line is waiting for their rightful turn. These poorly mannered people believe their time is more valuable than anyone else's, a mindset that reveals how entitled they really are.
Patience is a virtue, as the saying goes, but people who cut in line don't have that trait. They do have a disregard for other people's needs. They have a sense of superiority that they use to justify their disrespectful behavior.
No one wants to wait in line, yet it's one of those boring and necessary tasks that are part of being a person, surrounded by other people, in a world that does not solely belong to any individual, but rather, to all of us, all at once.
6. Borrowing people's belongings without permission
Diana Indiana | Shutterstock
Your younger sister might want to wear your clothes, so she raids your closet even when you tell her not to. You might live with someone who uses your toothpaste without asking. Your bestie might eat the last bite of ice cream in the carton without telling you, leaving you without your midnight snack.
These situations can be remedied by talking it out and setting boundaries around what's okay for others to use and what isn't. Counselor and therapist Audrey Tait shared a 4-step process for setting boundaries people will actually respect. She noted that in addition to physical boundaries, we also have mental and social boundaries, along with spiritual and emotional boundaries.
Tait revealed the importance of setting clear, direct boundaries and deciding on consequences you can communicate and follow through on if someone crosses your boundaries. "Recognize that boundaries work best when there are also consequences and agreements for the future," she explained.
Setting boundaries might not be easy, but it is essential to protecting how you want to live. Boundaries allow you to care for yourself and others in a healthy and productive way. As Tait concluded, "Boundaries are everywhere around you... You are able to choose your boundaries even when life is difficult."
7. Monopolizing group discussions by only talking about themselves
Jacob Lund | Shutterstock
Sometimes, socially awkward people struggle to grasp the flow of a conversation. Their social anxiety bubbles up and suddenly they're telling everyone about the goldfish they won at a fair in fourth grade, but the bowl slipped from their hands and smashed on the pavement and that's how they ended up losing the only pet they ever had.
Other times, self-centered people with a deeply entitled attitude will dominate conversations as a power play or because they only care about the sound of their own voice. Their bad manners ripple out to the rest of the group, so that a conversation that had been balanced and joyful became an insufferable one-man show.
People with good manners know that every conversation has a rhythm to be followed. They know that asking questions and sharing their thoughts is important, but listening is even more important, because being attentive shows how much they care.
8. Not covering their mouth when coughing or sneezing
YURII MASLAK / Shutterstock
It's one thing for a toddler to sneeze into their mom's mouth because they have no spatial awareness and slow reflexes, but it's a whole other gross, rude thing to just cough or sneeze out in the open as a fully grown adult. It's shocking to think that anyone who lived through 2020 would cough or sneeze without a barrier, as though the pandemic was a collective fever dream and germ theory was proven false over a century after its discovery.
Bad manners can be categorized as behaviors that overlook other people's needs, which creates a sense of discomfort. A person who's faced with a free-sneezer can employ their own good manners to triage the situation. They can politely ask the other person to cover their mouth next time and offer them a tissue or a full-body disinfectant bath, while they're at it.
9. Not letting others know if they're running late
fizkes | Shutterstock
A social situation that exemplifies how people with bad manners were not taught how to behave growing up occurs when someone who's chronically late never lets anyone else know they're not showing up on time. Lateness is a hardline issue for many people. Some believe lateness is the ultimate act of rudeness, while others see being late as an unfortunate but forgivable time-management issue.
According to research from Harvard Medical School, running late could be a positive trait, at least for the late people themselves. The study reported that people who aren't punctual are less stressed than their time-conscious counterparts. They're calmer than people who get to brunch 15 minutes early, and this innate sense of inner peace can increase their life expectancy
While this medical insight offers benefits to people who can't get places on time, it doesn't cover why they don't just send a text that says, "Running behind, C U soon," to smooth over their bad manners.
10. Scrolling on their phone during conversations
evrymmnt | Shutterstock
One very common habit highlights how bad manners are used by people who were not taught to behave growing up: Scrolling on their phones when they're in the middle of a conversation. This bad-mannered behavior sends the message that their screen is more important than the person they're talking to. It shows a lack of connected engagement and a lack of consideration for the other person's presence.
According to divorce attorney Ronald Bavero, scrolling on your phone during conversations could have serious implications for the future of your relationship. He described a behavior that exemplifies bad manners: Phubbing, a combination of the words phone and snubbing, which is "the practice of ignoring one's spouse or romantic partner to pay attention to one's phone."
Bavaro cited research reporting that Americans spend an average of 7 hours and 4 minutes on their phones every day. They spend this screen time making calls, sending texts, watching videos, and using social media, and not looking their partner in the eye as they talk about their day.
"Studies found that spouses who phub each other experience higher rates of depression, resentment, and isolation," he shared. "While phubbing, in and of itself, may not directly lead to divorce it certainly can become the tipping point that pushes the relationship over the cliff."
11. Being dismissive to service workers
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock
You can learn a lot about someone by how they treat service workers. People who speak down to them and act in a dismissive way reveal that they have bad manners and they were not taught how to behave growing up.
Having an impolite or outright rude attitude with someone who's trying to make a living by serving a person a meal they didn't cook is the pinnacle of bad manners. Their utter disrespect reveals what they really think of people working in those particular positions. Treating service workers poorly is an indication that a person has a big ego along with bad manners, and they definitely were not taught how to behave growing up.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.